


Shadows

by Mylifeisactuallyamess



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse from Snoke, Bacta tank healing, Battle, Character Death, Dead Snoke (Star Wars), Death, Force Bond, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Use, Hurt Poe Dameron, Knife Use, Kylo Angst, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren x Reader - Freeform, Kylo and Y/N, Kylo and You, Kylo and reader, Kylo’s abuse, Lightsaber Fight, Lots of Hurt Feelings, Manipulative Snoke (Star Wars), Memories, Mention of torture, Millennium Falcon - Freeform, POV Kylo Ren, Pilot Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron and reader, Possessive Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Protective Poe Dameron, Reader loses virginity, Resistance, Slight physical aggression towards reader, Slow Burn, Torture, Troopers, Wild Fire, Yelling, Young Poe Dameron, alcohol use, blasters, but its there, innocence taken, it’s a vision, kylo ren and reader - Freeform, kylo ren and y/n, kylo ren and you - Freeform, kylo ren x y/n, kylo ren x you - Freeform, kylo smut, kylos parents, planet death, poe Dameron and y/n, poe Dameron and you, poe dameron smut, reader gets drunk, slow burner, some verbal aggression, space travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:48:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 71,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27572581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mylifeisactuallyamess/pseuds/Mylifeisactuallyamess
Summary: Please read the tags!! CURRENTLY IN THE PROCESS OF BEING REWRITTEN. 3 Chapters done so far.You, female reader, are a peaceful farmer, or that’s what you grew up to believe. Randomly yours and Kylo Ren’s paths cross and then all you feel is drawn to him no matter where you are in the galaxy. It consumes you, the pain is constant and all you want is relief, but you also wonder if he feels the same.We have some points from Kylo’s point of view as well as the reader.Here is a little taster.‘What shall we do in those few hours?’ You were surprised by how your voice sounded, almost raspy and you felt a heat grow inside of you. Your eyes were involuntarily drawn to Kylo’s. Your heartbeat quickened and you felt a wave of....desire. He didn’t answer you but his lips parted slightly as he dipped his head towards you his warm breath tickling your skin sent shivers through your body. Suddenly the door crashed open and a Trooper marched in.‘Commander the first resist......aargh!’ Kylo’s face changed to one of absolute fury as he spun and force chocked the Trooper, he pushed him back out of the door and force slammed it shut. He turned back to you but you were gone.
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

The sun beat down on you as you took a sip of your water. Sweat beaded on your skin and you used your wrist to wipe it away leaving a dirty streak across your forehead. You looked around the field you were in and realised you were the only one left until you heard someone call your name. You looked up shielding your eyes from the bright sunshine. It was your friend Poe, you beamed at him as he approached.  
‘You should come in the shade.’ You took his out stretched hand and he pulled you up. ‘Everyone else is resting.’ He stated.  
‘I know I wanted to test my new knife without anyone seeing.’ He rolled his eyes.  
‘Where do you even get these things?’ he sighed as you both started walking back to the huts.  
‘The Twi’lek on the market, no idea where he gets them.’ You pulled out the blade, you had cleaned it up during the night removing as much dirt as possible, it was short, sharp and perfectly balanced.  
‘Put it away!’ Poe hissed ‘Before someone sees!’ You bit back a response and hid it in your basket. Poe opened the door to your hut and you murmured a thanks as you brushed past him. ‘You really should find a new hobby.’ You rolled your eyes.  
‘I can’t take a lecture today Poe.’ As you dumped your basket down on a table you rolled your shoulders, you felt irritable and on edge, it was probably the heat or you just didn’t like Poe telling you what you already knew. The people here were peaceful, you had no need for weapons and yet there was just something about them that intrigued you. They way they looked and felt in your hands, late at night you’d clean them or take them out and practice with them, pretending you were fighting an opponent. You dreamt of battles and glowing swords, big ships hanging in the sky flashing green and red as they shot at each other.  
‘Do you think this is enough? This life?’ You asked out loud. Poe studied you as he tried to think of the best thing to say.  
‘Don’t you?’ He finally asked.  
‘The galaxy is a big place, don't you feel like life is just passing us by?’ You wanted to say more, you wanted tell him your feet itched, you wanted to get out there, learn to fly a spacecraft and go and see different worlds. But he’d never understand. No one else here did. Sometimes you wondered if these peaceful farmers were even your people. Your parents had died when you were young and you didn’t remember much of your childhood, the villagers rallied round and you were raised here by everyone. One big family.  
‘You need to stop listening to that Twi’lek’s stories.’ You screwed up your face trying to stop yourself from saying something nasty.  
‘I don’t answer to anyone. Now leave me alone I want to have a bath.’ Poe left mumbling under his breath, he knew better than to argue with you. Once the door had shut behind him you pulled the blade out slowly, admiring the way it caught the light as you tilted it. A plan began to form in your mind. You felt a stab of guilt at the thought of leaving Poe behind, but you couldn’t stay here anymore. You were being pulled in new a direction and you needed to see where it would take you.

The next morning you went out to harvest like normal, all day as you worked you couldn't stop thinking about the bag you had packed last night. It weighed heavily on you just upping and leaving like this, but you didn't like goodbyes and Poe wouldn't let you go without a fight. You saw him and automatically waved but he didn’t wave back. You frowned and went to shout him but you stopped yourself, maybe this was better. The idea of lying to him tore you up inside. He was your brother, your best friend and everything in between. So it was easier to just say nothing. You worked all day in the fields with the rest of the village, you did try to catch Poe’s eye when he was near you but he still wouldn’t look at you. As the sun lowered in the sky the air became cooler, you lifted your basket onto your hip and began to head back to your hut. As you walked you felt odd, like an immense pressure was pushing you towards the ground, someone shouted and you looked up at the sky to see fire. It burned brightly against the darkening sky and you squinted trying to get a better look at the mass of yellow and orange. It was a ship falling straight out of the sky, it had a pointy nose like an arrow and it was heading straight for your village. The villagers began to scream around you but you couldn’t stop looking as the burning ship plummeted towards you. You could hear a roaring sound as the trees started shifting in the air pressure as the gravity of the planet pulled it in. Something collided with you snapping you out of trance.  
‘We need to go, we need to get as far from here as possible!’ Poe pulled your arm and you followed, grabbing your knife out of the basket before you let it fall to the floor.  
‘Wait!’ You slipped his grasp and dived into your hut to grab your bag but Poe was screaming at you to move, to forget whatever you needed it wasn’t worth your life. The walls of your hut creaked and the roaring, almost screaming sound from the falling ship was deafening. Poe picked you up and pulled you into the forest, the deeper you got the more protected you would be from the force of impact. You both ran, hopping over bushes, fallen trees, streams. You ran and ran. Suddenly the ground roiled beneath you, disappearing from under your feet your arms flailing as you fell back to the ground. Air rushed over you as the trees bent dangerously from the force of the impending blast. The sounds of utter destruction reached your ears and you cried out trying to protect them from the noise. Poe motioned for you to keep moving and you both started crawling as fast as you could. A deep orange glow lit up the nights sky, you could hear a different noise now, still a roar, but the roar of flames. Your village hadn’t seen rain for weeks, this forest was bone dry and you knew it would be entirely alight in minutes. Without a word you both got up and carried on running, the heat licking at your heels already. You concentrated on breathing, pushing your body to its limit. To survive. Your legs muscles screamed out but you knew you couldn’t stop.  
‘We need to find water!’ Shouted Poe and you knew he was right. Suddenly a place popped into your head, a place you used to visit all the time.  
‘Poe, the waterfall! Do you think we could make it?’ You had to shout over the noise of the forest and you both looked behind you, the sound of the fire was loud, animals were emerging around you running away as fast as they could, their eyes wide with panic.  
‘We can’t keep running like this. Let’s go!’ You both swerved to the right hoping the fire wouldn’t cut you off, smoke billowed around you and you put your arm across your face to try and stop breathing it in as you both began to cough. The smell of burning wood filled your nose and stung your eyes. You had to slow down as soon you couldn’t see, it was now eerily quiet except for the snapping and crackling of nearby flames. ‘Can’t see!’ Choked Poe, you grabbed his tunic.  
‘Keep hold of me.’ He grabbed onto your belt you lead him blindly forward. You didn’t know if this was the right direction or not, but your feet seemed to know where they were going. Suddenly the sound of falling water reached your ears, you both jogged towards it.  
‘We found it!’ You coughed deeply and plunged into the cool water. You felt your way around the edge so you could slip under the sheet of water without it pummelling you into the rocks below. You both climbed out and collapsed coughing onto the rocks. You’d be safe here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Poe in the aftermath of the fire, bit of a filler chapter but it’s getting there. Slow burner this one.

You sat up sharply, you were shivering violently from where you had passed out on the cold rocks and you knew you had to get warm. Poe was still sleeping next to you but his teeth were chattering. You felt around with your hands, you could feel bits of tree and other rubbish that had been washed into the cave, but it was all dripping wet, no good for making a fire. You slowly eased yourself into the pool with the intent to go out and look for firewood, the water lapped at your shivering body and you gasped at how warm it felt, without thinking you grabbed Poe and dragged him with you, holding him up under his arms. Slowly you stopped shivering and Poe’s teeth stopped clacking together. He jolted awake in your arms, making you jump as he splashed wildly.  
‘What the, why are we.....did we fall in?’ You shook your head.  
‘The fire has heated up the water slightly and we were both freezing on the rocks, so I pulled you in with me.’ You stretched your arms as you gazed at the sheet of falling water before you, through it you could see the deep orange glow so clearly the fire still raged through the dry forest, you just hoped everyone had found somewhere safe.  
‘How long do you think we have to be in here?’ Asked Poe. You shrugged.  
‘Fires can burn for such a long time. I’m going to take a look.’  
‘No!’ Poe lunged for you but you were already out of reach, easing your way past the falling water. The fire had passed this part of the forest, the orange glow from the distance gave you enough light to see everything had been destroyed. Smoke rose from the very ground itself as dying embers still burned with intensity. You went to pull yourself out of the water but the ground was still hot to touch. You couldn’t believe everything was gone and you realised no food would be found out here for miles. if only Poe had waited and let you grab your bag. You made your way back into the cave and told Poe what you saw.  
‘We are dead.’ He stated.  
‘I don’t intend on giving up, and neither should you!’ He groaned as he said your name quietly.  
‘We can’t even set foot on the ground, there is no food, probably no one left alive. We are dead.’ You turned your back on him as you paced up and down the rock and you knew you had to keep your body moving. You slowly removed your dripping wet outer clothes and wrung them out, trying to get rid of as much water as possible. You pulled your hair into a messy plait so it was out of your face and off your skin. You pulled off your undershirt feeling the cool air of the cave tickle your bare skinny shivered. The motion caught Poe’s gaze, he looked up from the water but quickly covered his eyes.  
‘What are you doing why didn’t you tell me you were getting naked?!’ His voice echoed slightly and you shrugged.  
‘We’ve grown up together Poe we’ve seen each other naked hundreds of times.’  
‘’As children!!’ He exclaimed.  
‘Listen, I don’t want to freeze to death so I’m doing what I can to try and get rid of as much water as possible out of my clothes. You got a problem with it, don’t look.’ You removed your leggings and wrung them out. Now you were completely naked and possibly even colder. You pulled your outer coat over to you, it was still wet but at least it wasn’t dripping. And Poe didn’t have to see you naked. He got up and without a word he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his lap with your coat still wrapped around you.  
‘We should stay warm together.’ He mumbled. You nodded in silent agreement and rested your head on his shoulder. His hair still smelled smoky but you didn’t mind as he tightened his arms around you. This wasn’t the way you had envisioned leaving the village but you felt like this was right, this was meant to happen. You relaxed fully against Poe’s broad chest as he played with the end of your plait. You could feel sleep coming as his warmth seeped into you and although today had been shocking, you felt safe here with him.

When you woke the cave was slightly brighter, and you could tell Poe wasn’t in here. Also your clothes were gone. You clutched your coat around you wondering what had happened when Poe waded through the water and saw you were awake.  
‘Don’t panic! I managed to start a fire and dry your clothes off, then I’ll do mine.’ He held a hand out for you. ‘I’m not drying your clothes to bring them in here for you to get them wet again.’ You nodded, he had a point. ‘Also, don’t worry about anyone seeing you. We are alone.’ His face was grave as he helped you through the waterfall. The sky was dark with smoke, aside from the waterfall there were no other sounds, no birds or animals. Everything was black and some of the bigger trees were still smoking. You slowly got dressed in your dry clothes, you couldn’t stop looking at the forest. Remembering how lush, green and full of life it was, now it was just empty and devoid of everything. Poe stripped and hung his clothes up above the fire he had made. Your stomach rumbled reminding you neither of you had eaten.  
‘Should we head back to the village?’ Poe shook his head.  
‘That’s where the ship landed, I doubt there will be anything left.’ You sat on a rock and watched the water swirl around in the river. You didn’t want to tell Poe, but you had the urge to go to the ship wreckage. You didn’t know why, but the pull was strong. You closed your eyes and tried to ignore it. But something was calling you.


	3. Chapter 3

Commander Kylo Ren stood looking at the burning wreckage of the star destroyer he’d been on. He had managed to pull himself free and was now waiting for reinforcements. Leader Snoke had already sent them to retrieve him. He paced, kicking up ash with each footstep, his black attire now grey with dust. He could feel a niggling sensation just on the edges of his mind, like it wanted to draw him in. He tried to ignore it but the longer he was there the stronger it became. He took a few steps towards the destroyed tree line, splintered wood littered the ground from the colossal fallen trees. He could feel the pull even more now and he took another step. A TIE fighter screeched into the atmosphere followed by some transports. Troopers emerged to surround the perimeter. Kylo shook off the medics and ordered them to look for survivors instead. As everyone bustled about him he stood looking out into the ruined forest, wondering why he felt such a strong need to march off and find what was calling him.  
‘Commander, there were no survivors.’ A Trooper informed him. He nodded and headed off to the ships. His feet dragged and it felt like he was trying to push through an invisible force. The Force. He reached out, his minds eye travelled at lightening speed across the charred ground and fallen trees to a water fall. You looked up and stared him straight in the eyes. He gasped as he returned with a jolt, the Troopers waited patiently around him. Kylo had no idea what had just happened, who you were or why he felt the need to find you.  
‘There are survivors.’ He said coolly. ‘Find them.’ Orders were shouted as the Troopers fanned out and Kylo with them.

You looked up, you could sense something, someone? Dread seeped into your mind and you heard modulated voices in the distance. Poe grabbed you without a word and you both started running. Fear overrode the feeling that you were running in the wrong direction, First Order Troopers meant death. They fired first and asked questions later. You and Poe weaved and dodged the blackened trees, ash kicked up around your feet, a green blaster shot whizzed past your ear and you cried out in surprise.  
‘Don’t stop!’ Yelled Poe. As you ran you grabbed a knife from your belt, you leapt over a log and spun in midair throwing the knife. It landed with a thud in the Troopers mask and he dropped to the floor, you landed squarely on your feet and carried on running, grabbing another knife out of your belt. You threw this one over your shoulder without looking and felled another Trooper. They fell back and soon you and Poe were alone. You rested against a tree trying to catch your breath, your lungs ached as your chest heaved, Poe kept an eye on the path behind you.  
‘When did you become so good with knives?’ He panted. You shrugged.  
‘I’ve never thrown them before, just pretended. Come on let’s keep going they’re not that far behind us.’ Neither of you had any idea where you were, the destruction of the fire stretched for what seemed like miles in every direction. You were both hungry, tired and dirty. As night fell you tried to look for somewhere to stop and rest.  
‘We will have to keep watch, no fire or they will find us easily.’ Said Poe. You sat down with a sigh, you felt exhausted. Poe settled next to you and he wrapped his arms around you. ‘I’ll take first watch,’ he said. You nodded sleepily and sunk against his chest.

Kylo stood there looking down at you. This was who the force was pulling him towards? You were asleep in the arms of a man. Kylo had wrapped him in the Force so he couldn’t move or speak but he could see and his eyes were wide with panic. Kylo crouched down watching your chest rise and fall softly with each breath. He didn’t understand what he was feeling when he looked at you. He felt confused, he didn’t know whether to take you with him or not. _Who were you?_ You looked like a dirty scavenger but you were something else, you had felled two Troopers with just knives and Kylo didn’t want to admit it but he was impressed. He stood as he felt the pull from Snoke to return to the ship and without a word he disappeared into the darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

Poe shook you awake.  
‘Is it my turn?’ You mumbled sleepily.  
‘He was here, HE was here!’ Poe hissed.  
‘Who?’  
‘Commander Ren, he stood there and just watched us.’ You’d heard of Commander Ren, everyone knew he was Snoke’s apprentice, had a temper on him would kill anyone who got in his way. You frowned.  
‘Why didn’t he kill us then? Why didn’t you say something?’   
‘He froze me with those force mind powers he has I couldn’t do anything but watch. Then he just left.’ You shrugged.   
‘Maybe he knew our situation would kill us so why get his hands dirty?’ You both sat there in silence, trying to ignore the pain in your stomach as it reminded you how hungry you were. You felt disgusting as ash had made its way all through your clothes and hair. You got up and tried to dust yourself down, it was useless. You could feel that rising irritability again and the tug in a different direction. You looked at Poe and all your feelings were chased away at the sight of his face. He looked so lost as he stared at the ground. ‘Poe?’  
‘Everyone is gone. My parents,’ his voice cracked. ‘Everyone. Gone.’ He covered his face with his hands and you knelt down and wrapped your arms around him. As he sat there shaking in your embrace you wondered why you didn’t feel the same. Poe’s parents helped raised you, you’d known everyone in that village all your life and yet, you felt free. Where Poe had spent his life enjoying it in the village you had spent your life hating it. Dreaming of other planets, worlds, wishing something would come and set you free. You felt conflicted for your friend and his loss but you felt so happy for your gain. You raised your head as you heard the the whine of an engine a speeder slowed as it neared you both, this wasn’t a First Order Trooper but you gripped a knife in your palm anyway. The man got off the speeder with his hands outstretched to show he wasn’t armed.   
‘I’m with the resistance, we’ve come to look for survivors from the crash.’ You were weary but Poe leapt up. He spoke into his comm link saying he’d found some survivors and before you knew it they had bundled you on the back of a speeder with some food and you were standing outside a resistance transport. There were so many people bustling about, a couple of cross wings had landed on the charred ground. Poe was in conversation with a group of people and you heard they hadn’t found anyone else. Your heart went out to Poe but you couldn’t take your eyes off the X wings you’d never seen anything like it.   
‘Hi.’ A guy headed towards you and gestured to the fighter. ‘She’s nice huh?’ You nodded. ‘I’m Jarick.’ You smiled but didn’t offer your name in return. ‘You know how to fly?’   
‘No.’   
‘Maybe once you’re settled the General will let me give you flying lessons.’ Excitement gripped you.  
‘Really?’ He smiled and nodded. A gust of wind blew your hair around as another ship landed.   
‘Here’s your lift.’ Said Jarick. You sidled over to Poe and gripped his arm as the ramp came down and two figures came out, a old man and a Wookiee.   
‘What’s going on I thought we were going to be ambushed by the First Order?’ The man yelled.  
‘They left.’ Jarick said.  
‘So why are we here?’ He demanded.  
‘For the survivors.’ Jarick motioned to you and Poe.  
‘These two? Is that all?’ The man threw up his hands. ‘Couldn’t they fit on one of your transports? I was pulled out of a good deal for this.’ He motioned for you and Poe to get on the ship. ‘Come on I haven’t got all day.’ He hurried you both on and you almost couldn’t contain your excitement. You were going into space!! For the first time! ‘Here.’ The guy threw some blankets at you. ‘Wrap up, it gets cold in the black. C’mon Chewie.’ They disappeared into the cockpit. You looked around as you sat down, it was amazing, you bounced slightly in your seat.  
‘Oh my goodness Poe isn’t this exciting?’ He nodded but looked a little pale. ‘You ok?’  
‘Yeah just, I’ve never flown before.’ Just then the engines started and the ship lifted off the ground. Poe gripped onto his seat, you on the other hand got straight out of your seat and headed to the cockpit so you could look out of the windows.   
‘Hey whatcha doing?’ The man asked.  
‘Just looking.’ You replied.  
‘Alright. But don’t touch anything!’ Your mouth opened with awe as the planets surface dropped away and you could finally see the total destruction the fire had caused.   
‘Whoa.....’  
‘Yeah this is the worst I’ve seen. I’m Han by the way.’ You quietly said your name as you craned over the Wookiee’s shoulder. ‘Kid, sit down.’ You backed into a spare seat as the ship broke the planets atmosphere, stars seemed to explode into existence before your eyes, millions of them littered the sky. ‘Ok Chewie, are we ready?’ The Wookiee made a noise and shrugged his shoulders.  
‘Yeah I’m not sure either. Ready?’ Asked Han. You had no idea what for but you nodded eagerly anyway. ‘Here goes.’ He pushed a lever and you all waited for something happen. A whirring noise sounded and stopped. ‘I thought you fixed it?!’ Chewie started roaring and threw his arms around. ‘Okay okay! I’ll sort it!’ Han got up and headed back into the ship. ‘You ok there?’ You looked round the doorway and saw Poe almost green as he swayed in his seat.   
‘I feel sick.’   
‘Here.’ Han threw a pot at him just in time. You wrinkled your nose in disgust and turned to look back out into space. This is what you wanted, this is what you’d been craving your whole life and you just didn’t know it. You wondered where they were taking you, and what life you would chose for yourself. 

Kylo sat in his quarters, he couldn’t get your face out of his head. He had obeyed Snoke’s order to leave you and return to the ship but every fibre in his being told him that was the wrong choice. He cursed and twirled his lightsaber as it clicked on. The anger built in him twisting around his insiders, burning like the fire in the forest. Snoke’s face flashed before him and without thinking he lashed out slicing his table in half. That annoyed him even more, but he didn’t want to destroy his quarters. He switched his saber off and gently put it down. His fist now empty clenched in frustration. Kylo looked out of his window into deep space, he didn’t care how many planets there were he knew he’d search every single one of them to find you. Not even Snoke would be able to stop him.


	5. Chapter 5

Han and Chewie took you to the secret resistance base, you were introduced to General Organa and then given some quarters to rest and get cleaned up in. You enjoyed a hot shower before you did anything else. They had given you clothes and they weren’t a bad fit. You left your room and went and knocked on Poe’s door. He opened it and you could see he was upset. You felt a stab of annoyance, how could he feel so sad after all these incredible things had happened? But you made sympathetic noises and comforted him as he blabbed on about his parents. Yes they had helped you when you were younger but as soon as you could you got your own hut and started working. You wondered if a piece of you was missing and that’s why you couldn’t feel sadness, or miss anyone.

  
‘I’m going to join the resistance.’ You snapped out of your musings. This could be good for him.

‘Just don’t become a Pilot.’ He chuckled.

‘I will definitely not, become a Pilot.’ He agreed.

You and Poe resided with the resistance for months, doing odd jobs here and there, helping out in the med bay or cooking food. Poe learnt to read the radars and helped guide the pilots. You were also having flying lessons with Jarick. The General had allowed it as they were short on pilots and you were so eager to learn. You soaked up everything he told you like a sponge and retained it all. The first time you sat in the cockpit of an X-wing you almost couldn’t contain your excitement. You started up the engines your droid beeping happily away at you. You flew the fighter with ease, when you broke the planets atmosphere you experienced a rush as all the stars appeared in the black twinkling at you, inviting you to explore. You felt that pull again, the pull to head in one particular direction, to something but you had no idea what. The sensation had dulled recently, maybe you were just too busy and were able to ignore it, or whatever you needed to find was nearby.

‘This is something isn’t it?’ Jarick’s voice sounded in your ears as his fighter sidled up next to yours. ‘There is nothing more beautiful than space.’

‘I have wanted to see this my whole life. It’s amazing, I can’t believe I’m really doing this!’

‘Let’s practise landing. Are you ready?’

‘Yes I am.’ You both turned around and headed back to the planet. Your landing needed work you came in too fast and some resistance workers had some choice words for you but otherwise it was a perfect flight.

‘Just next time, we’ll land away from everything else.’ You laughed and nodded in agreement. As you headed back to your quarters you felt tired, it came over you like a wave and before you knew it you were asleep on your bed.

_The fire raged around you, as you opened your eyes the smoke stung them. You tried to shield them from the blazing flames as you looked at the destruction around you. ‘No....’ you looked at the destroyed buildings in shock knowing you had done this. ‘I didn’t want this to happen.’ You looked down at your hands as you clenched them into fists. But this was you, this was who you were it was in your blood. Come to me my boy.... you turned your back on the flaming temple, turned your back on your life and started the journey into who you really were._

Kylo jolted awake in a pool of sweat, the images of what happened seemed to be burned into his brain. He swung his legs over the side of his bed and hung his head winding his fingers into his hair. The call to the light was there, always there niggling at him. Chipping away at his decisions causing him to hesitate with every swing of his saber. _I am the shadow._

He got up and padded into the other room. He stared down at the mutilated mask of Darth Vader and a sense of peace descended on him. ‘Show me again the power of the dark side.’ He whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

You woke up groggy, your head pounded you had no idea why you dreamed that. There was a knock on your door.   
‘Come in Poe.’ It creaked open.  
‘How did you know it was me?’ You shrugged.  
‘Just a feeling.’ You rubbed your forehead trying to dull the pain.   
‘How did flying go?’  
‘Oh it was amazing, but I think I’ve done too much my head, it really hurts.’ You scrunched your eyes shut as Poe sat gently next to you.   
‘You want to go to the med bay?’   
‘No they have more important people to see.’ Without a word Poe scooped you up and placed you on the bed, he grabbed a blanket and wrapped you up. He closed the blinds in your window before laying you down on the bed your head in his lap as he gently stroked your hair. You smiled. He used to do this when you had headaches a few years ago, he wouldn’t let his parents help you at all, took it on himself to look after you, tuck you in and made sure you fell asleep, the only way was to stroke your hair.   
‘I’m not a child anymore Poe,’ you mumbled.  
‘And yet, it’s working. Just sleep Y/N, I’ve got you.’ You snuggled into him, relieved he was there. 

When you woke you were still laying in Poe’s lap. You could tell it was dark outside so it must be late. You sat up slowly as you didn’t want to wake your sleeping friend who was slumped against the wall snoring softly. You padded into the bathroom and gently shut the door, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You had dark circles under your eyes and you felt exhausted, mentally worn out. Why did you feel so rough? You splashed cold water on your face, your stomach churned and you felt like you could be sick.   
‘Stars, what is this?’ The pulling sensation suddenly grew stronger and you stumbled out of the bathroom and out of your quarters. You could hear people shouting and running around as you staggered outside.   
‘They’re here!’ Someone shouted. You looked up and saw the ships hanging in the dark sky. The First Order. Orders were given to evacuate as quickly as possible. Poe ran blurry eyed out of your quarters as he shrugged his jacket on.  
‘How did they find us?’ He demanded.  
‘That’s a question for another time.’ You replied as you ran to your X-wing. He grabbed your arm and hugged you tight.   
‘Be safe.’ He looked into your eyes and pressed his forehead against yours. ‘Don’t get shot or caught.’   
‘Or you.’ You watched him disappear into the rushing crowd as the screech of the TIE fighters sounded in the distance. You jumped into your cockpit and shoved on your helmet. Your droid beeped at you.   
‘Let’s blow stuff up.’ You said as you started your engines. You directed the fighter up into the atmosphere, you could see the star destroyers. You served and dived and avoided the TIE fighters blasts as you flew closer to the big ships. Your droid beeped angrily at you as you dodged some cannon blasts and flew under the ship.   
‘I know I know but I can just sense something!’ It was too strong to ignore! Your headache had eased slightly but the need to see what was calling you was so strong, you couldn’t shake it. Transports began to leave the planet with the resistance on and you watched them disappear into hyperspace. You wanted to stay. You needed to stay. You switched off your comm link so you couldn’t hear Jarick telling everyone to retreat now the planet was evacuated. TIE fighters noticed you and swung in your direction, you swerved and missed their fire. Then they disappeared, like they were called off. You felt the urge to land your ship inside the star destroyer and that’s exactly what you did, landing perfectly in the hanger. Troopers surrounded the ship and you slowly got out with your hands raised. You felt a presence nearby and you looked up to see Kylo Ren standing near the door. He watched you with his mask on as you were lead away. You twisted your head to try and keep eye contact with him but the Trooper pulled on your arm with a yank. You frowned at him but fell into step with them anyway. You were put in an interrogation chair so your arms and legs could be strapped down. You began to panic, you hadn’t thought this far ahead, what if you died before you had found out the cause of the weird dream and all the odd sensations you’d been having. You had a feeling Kylo Ren had something to do with it because as they lead you away it was like the pulling sensation was a compass and it was pointing at him. The Troopers left the room and you were alone.


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo stood in his quarters, the sensation was driving him to distraction. You were clearly the source and now with you onboard he felt he couldn’t concentrate on anything. Who were you? What were you doing? Why did you just give yourself up like that? Did you feel the same things he did? He needed to know. But he had to let Hux interrogate you first. He grabbed his helmet and saber and marched out of his quarters. 

You stared at the pale ginger man, he was tall and slender his face pinched with annoyance. ‘Who are you? And who do you think you are just landing your ship in our hanger?!’

‘I don’t know!’ The Trooper next to you flicked the switch and pain lanced all over your body, you cried out and tears pricked your eyes. They weren’t tears of sadness or pain they were tears of anger.

‘I will ask you again, who are you why did you land your ship in....’

‘I made her do it.’ His deep voice resonated out of his mask. The Trooper next to you stiffened as Hux spun round to face Kylo Ren. 

‘We don’t need resistance filth landing in our hanger. What use is she to us she doesn’t even know where they are going next!’

‘She has information of importance to the Supreme Leader.’ He replied. Hux visibly bristled at his response.

‘I don’t know of any...’

‘It’s on a need to know basis.’ Said Kylo Ren. Hux’s eyes widened in rage and his skin flushed, without another word he turned sharply and marched out of the room, the Trooper left with him. You eyed Kylo Ren wearily as he stood there dressed all in black with his unusual mask covering his face. You felt calmer, the pain dulled, you relaxed in the chair your shoulders going slack. The pulling sensation you had felt for months finally eased on your mind and you noticed you didn’t have a headache. You had no idea if he was experiencing the same, he was stood there like a statue not moving a muscle. You wanted to say something but you also didn’t want him to leave. You jumped slightly when he spoke.

‘You feel it too.’ You nodded slowly. With a flare of his robes he turned and left the chamber, your groaned as the dull ache in your mind came back, you tensed up against the pain and that damn sensation in your mind it felt worse now you’d had a break from it and you hated every second.

Kylo marched back to his quarters, his long strides and heavy footfalls telling everyone to get out of his way and if they didn’t he force shoved them out of the way. As soon as his door was shut he pulled his helmet off and threw it. The need to be around you to ease the ache in his mind was all he could think about. But _why_? He didn’t want to go to Leader Snoke about this just yet but he needed his guidance. He needed to understand. He still had no idea who you were, he’d been so overwhelmed you felt the same things he did he didn’t ask you anything. He ran a large hand through his black hair not really knowing what to do with himself. He began to pace, anger curled around his insides as he fought with himself on what to do.

 _You are distracted my apprentice....come to me....._ His pacing stopped as the decision was made for him. He cursed Hux out loud before picking up his helmet. Snoke was strong but there was still a piece of Kylo locked away deep in his mind and that’s where he put his mixed emotions about you, hoping they stayed hidden away. He worried Snoke would kill you or make Kylo kill you. He wasn’t ready for that yet. He needed answers first.


	8. Chapter 8

They threw you into a cell, it was dark you had no windows and just a hard platform to lay on. Your head was pounding and you guessed you were as far away from Kylo Ren as they could get you. You groaned and pushed your fists into your eyes, stars exploded in your vision but it didn’t help dull the pain. You lay back on the hard bed and your thoughts wandered to Poe. You missed him. You grew up together he was like a brother to you, the only family you had really known. Even though you were currently in a prison cell in a First Order star destroyer you did not miss your simple life. You had no idea what to do next. You needed to see Kylo Ren but it’s not like they’d just take you to him if you asked. You lay there and felt yourself drift off into sleep wondering what was going to happen next. 

Kylo sat up sharply. He could sense, you. It felt like you were softly calling him, pulling on the bond you had. He closed his eyes and concentrated. 

_ You stood before him your eyes wide as you realised who was standing in front of you. Kylo cursed inwardly as he realised he didn’t have his mask on.  _

_**Where are we?** Your voice echoed softly. Kylo didn’t say anything he watched you as you took in everything around you, Kylo couldn’t see much, just darkness and he was intrigued as to what you were looking at. _

_**What can you see?** Your eyes were drawn to him when he spoke. You swallowed nervously before answering him. _

_**I can see everything around you. You?** Kylo raised his eyebrows slightly in surprise. He couldn’t remember the last time someone asked him a simple question _

_**Just you.** Your mouth made an O shape and you nodded. **Why did you come onboard?** _

_**I don’t really know, I thought it would help me and all this.......** you gestured between you both. Kylo didn’t know what say now, he knew exactly what you were talking about, the headaches, the pain, the need to be together because he felt it like you did. But he didn’t know what to do about it. You were resistance in the eyes of the First Order he couldn’t save you._ A faint buzzing sounded nearby and Kylo pulled himself out, away from you. It was Hux requesting his presence on the bridge. Of course it was. That man had the ability to interrupt anything Kylo was doing. 

You opened your eyes and sat up. You’d felt Kylo’s annoyance at being interrupted, you could see it on his face. You could still feel it now as it vibrated through your connection. Your headache had eased and you felt slightly renewed. That was something at least.

You had no idea how long they kept you in that cell for, every now and again you would sense Kylo maybe even see him but very rarely did you speak. You felt yourself going crazy in the same four walls, you tried to pace up and down but it was so tiny it was pointless. The only thing you had to go on was when they brought you meals, you worked out you got two a day, just shoved through the flap at the bottom of the door. You must have been in there for weeks maybe even a month or two. You had no real way of knowing. 

You leapt up as your door creaked open, two Troopers came in snapped some restraints on you. 

‘Where are you taking me?’ 

‘You’ll see.’ One replied. They marched you through the ship to the hanger, you felt nervous. Why were they taking you off the ship? Were they going to kill you? Surely they’d have done that in the cell with no witnesses. You began to pull away from them but they began to heave you up the ramp. 

‘Put her on my Command ship. I shall take her to the Supreme Leader.’ The Troopers turned to face him. 

‘Commander we have express orders....’ the guard released your arm as he began to choke inside his helmet. You could feel the anger radiating from Kylo Ren and it mixed with the horror you felt from watching what was happening. The guard was released and he fell to his knees. 

‘Put her on my ship. Inform the pilot I will be ready to leave shortly.’ His voice resonated with the icy edge of authority from his helmet

‘Right away Commander.’ The other Trooper pulled you roughly and headed over to a large black ship, movable wings pointed straight up and you wondered if they moved into a better position when it flew. You couldn’t help but admire the ship and you could imagine the impression it left on people when they saw it gliding in the sky towards them. You hadn’t seen anything else resembling it in the hanger so it must be unique to Kylo Ren. The guard pulled you up the ramp and shoved you into a seat. 

‘Don’t move,’ he said before telling the pilot the Commander was on his way. You sensed him before you heard his footsteps coming onto the ship, all the officers stiffened and didn’t look at him until he addressed them. Did everyone react like this to him? He stood behind the pilot as the ship glided out of the hanger and into space. You couldn’t help but feel wonder as the stars lit up around you out of the window, you tried to move so you could get a better view without being noticed and you nearly gasped when they made the jump into hyperspace. 

Kylo could feel your amazement at the view, he rested his hand on the pilots chair and slowly turned his head so he could glimpse you behind him. Your eyes were wide as they darted about trying to take in everything before it disappeared. Your hair was a mess and you could really do with a shower but he didn’t really notice that. All he noticed was how you made him feel. He hadn’t felt these emotions for such a long time, the more he felt you the more he didn’t want anything to happen to you. You were like a breath of fresh air to him. He wasn’t sure what Snoke wanted with you, but he had managed to keep his emotions about you hidden from Snoke. For now. 

The ship fell out of lightspeed and you saw the Supremacy for the first time. It was huge, you almost couldn’t register its absolute enormous scale. You thought the star destroyer that fell on your planet had been massive, but they were small specks against the size of this ship. You felt scared, you had forgotten they were taking you to see Supreme Leader Snoke, you had just been too wrapped up in travelling and seeing different things you hadn’t thought about the destination. The Trooper yanked you out of your seat and stood at the ramp waiting for it to finish opening. Kylo Ren stood on your other side and you couldn’t help but look up at his mask hoping for some comfort, but found none. 

Kylo was glad his mask was hiding his face as he looked down at you, you looked so worried and he could feel how scared you were. As you were lead off the ship Kylo remembered the first time he had seen Snoke, He had been pushed by the Jedi, they feared him and had tried to kill him. Snoke saved him, maybe he could save you too. 

The walk to Snoke was long and no one spoke. You saw how people avoided Kylo Ren coming down the corridor, how they moved away from him you weren’t sure if it was out of fear or respect. Maybe both. When you reached an elevator Kylo dismissed the guard and took hold of your arm with his gloved hand. You were scared, your palms were sweaty but you were acutely aware of how close he was to you. The air seemed to thrum between you as you both stood silently in the lift. 

‘Is he going to kill me?’ You finally managed to ask. Kylo looked down at you. 

‘I don’t know.’ The doors opened with a whoosh and he pulled you with him, towards Snoke. 


	9. Chapter 9

Red. It assaulted your eyes after all the black and white, such an abusive attack of colour made you halt. But Kylo didn’t let you pause, his large hand tightened around your arm and he dragged you forward, shoving you before him as he dropped to the ground before Snoke.

  
‘My Apprentice. You brought her to me..?’ It sounded like a question to you and not a statement but Kylo Ren said nothing. Snoke’s presence surrounded you and you felt disgusted, even nauseated by how he made you feel. Your insides quivered with fear as he leaned towards you his small sunken eyes staring at you intently. His grey face was large and misshapen with a deep scar running down it. ‘You are a mystery. One my apprentice wants to unfold.’ He said quietly but it still managed to echo around you. He sat back on his throne, tapping his long fingers on the arm. You noticed guards in red armour around the room, they blended in with the walls like statues. Snoke studied you as he lazed back on this throne, you felt completely laid bare beneath his gaze, suddenly he leant forward and you rose in the air. Panic gripped you and you involuntarily whimpered, he spread his fingers and pain stabbed you in your mind. You squeezed your eyes shut but nothing could stop him probing through your memories, Poe flashed before you along with images of your village and your hut, your knives, the Trooper you killed, the star destroyer falling....he released you and you dropped gasping to the floor. Once you opened your eyes you noticed Kylo hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Take her. Until I decide what to do with her.’ Kylo rose and picked you up off the floor by your arm. Your legs felt like jelly but he didn’t help you, you felt a shot of anger as he dragged you to the lift. You felt Snoke’s eyes on you until the door of the lift closed. Kylo released you and you slumped against the wall. You wanted to say something to him but you didn’t, you studied him, quietly seething as he stood there in his mask and black robes staring at the lift door. 

Kylo couldn’t look at you, he still felt the echoes of your pain. It had taken every ounce of control he had to stay in position and not move while Snoke ripped through your memories. He could feel your anger directed at him but he couldn’t have shown weakness before Snoke. The door of the lift opened and Kylo addressed the Trooper before him.

‘Take her to some quarters near mine, but under heavy guard at all times.’

‘Yes Commander.’ Kylo strode away leaving you slumped in the lift. He couldn’t treat you differently, he had a reputation to uphold. That reputation was his survival and he could not let it fall even for a second. 

The Troopers marched you through the never ending maze of corridors, they shoved you through a door and locked it behind you. You rubbed your wrists where the restraints had been cutting in. Poe’s face came to mind again you tried to swallow away the lump in your throat. Why were you doing this? Was this connection to Kylo Ren really worth it? Maybe if you got far enough away from him it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Your shoulders shook as the gravity of your situation dawned on you and you realised you had no idea what you were doing. You should have stayed with the resistance, stayed with Poe. You cursed out loud as anger flooded you. You never cried, this wasn’t you, crying never got anyone anywhere. You wiped your eyes and looked around. You had a bed, a table and one chair and a bathroom. This was luxury compared to what you’d been staying in recently. You stumbled to the bathroom and turned the water on as hot as it would go to wash the filth of Snoke off you. 

You scrubbed yourself red raw until you felt clean. You brushed your hair and then sat wrapped in your towel on the end of the bed. You wondered what would happen now, the next time someone came and got you would it be to execute you? Why was Snoke dragging this out? You got dressed in the clothes you found just a black top with black leggings and some boots. You liked them, they were mid calf and made of some smooth supple material. They gripped the smooth floor, might make it harder for the Troopers to drag you. The door whooshed open and a Trooper came in with restraints. 

‘You have been requested.’

Kylo stood looking at the weapons on the table. He’d never used a knife before, not to fight with as he had practically been born with a lightsaber in his hand. That’s how it felt anyway. Even as a baby they encouraged him pushed him to be the greatest, even greater than Master Luke. Uncle Luke. Kylo sneered wondering what his Uncle would think of him if he could see Kylo now. The door opened and Kylo’s thoughts scattered as you were shoved into the room. He saw you’d had a shower as your hair was still wet and you were wearing a baggy black top, leggings and some boots. The trooper removed your restraints and left. Your eyes widened at the sight of the table. 

‘Can i....?’ Kylo nodded and you headed to the table instantly attracted by the throwing knives. You picked one up and expertly tested it for balance. Kylo could sense the plan forming in your mind, he could see what you wanted to do. You spun the threw the knife at Kylo, he raised his hand and the knife stopped in midair. He wrapped the force around you trapping you where you stood. 

‘That’s not what we’re here for.’ He said calmly. ‘On your planet you killed two Troopers with just knives. I wanted to know how.’ He released you but left the knife hanging there as he stepped around it. You shrugged eyeing him nervously. 

‘I don’t know I just threw them.’ 

Kylo stretched his hand out towards you, you closed your eyes ready for the pain but it never came. 

‘Show me.’ The memory of that day rose in your mind you remembered jumping and spinning in midair throwing the knife with deadly accuracy, and the other one you didn’t even look, you just knew where the Trooper was and threw the knife over your shoulder. ‘Do it again.’ He gestured to the target. You picked up the throwing knives, they were so perfectly balanced you didn’t want to let them go. You took three in your hand, spun and released them all at the same time, every one of them found their mark on the target. ‘Again.’ Demanded Kylo. You never missed. Your arm felt weak when he finally told you to stop. You looked at his masked face trying to get a sense of how he was feeling. But you got nothing, he walked out of the room, the suspended knife finally clattered to the floor and a Trooper came in with your restraints. You let them cuff you and drag you back to your new room. You had no idea what that was about but you had enjoyed it none the less. 


	10. Chapter 10

You were left in your room for a few days, the only thing delivered was food, you didn’t see a single person, just a glimpse of a Trooper outside your door when the food was placed in your room. You had tried to sense Kylo but you never got anything from him. You were pacing about your room when a headache blossomed behind your eyes. You groaned, not again.

_I will be back soon,_ barely a whisper he spoke inside your mind. He was leaving the ship pulling your bond to its limit. You were about to crawl into bed and get some sleep when your door opened. It wasn’t food time, you had a visitor. The man who first interrogated you stood near the door, you didn’t know how to react you hadn’t seen another person or spoke to anyone in days. You held your arms out waiting for the cuffs.

‘What are you doing?’ He asked. 

‘Well, I assumed you’d come here to take me somewhere.’

‘I am General Hux. If I had requested you, well I have Troopers for that. I am here to observe you on the Supreme Leaders orders.’ His hands were clasped behind his back as he peered around at your room.

‘Hello General Hux, you’re in for a boring watch because I’m about to go to sleep.’ 

‘What?’ You had no idea why they would observe you, maybe Snoke just wanted someone to keep an eye on you. ‘Why are you sleeping now? Are you....unwell?’ The way how he said it made you narrow your eyes. 

‘Slight headache I will just sleep it off.’ He sneered. 

‘By all means, don’t mind me.’ You lay under the covers and turned your back to Hux, it felt weird having someone in your room and you didn’t want to sleep with him here but the pain was increasing and your eye lids felt heavy....

_ A guy in a grey mask stood before you, he was tall and muscular and was holding a red lightsaber in his hand. _

_ ‘You killed him.’ He said. _

_ ‘I did.’ You replied.  _

_ ‘Snoke was wrong about you. You’re fighting this all the way.’ His words made you seethe. You were sick of everyone’s expectations of you, the light side of the force and being an incredible Jedi and the dark side and pushing you to live up to Darth Vader.  _

_ ‘You think so?’ You replied. _

_ ‘Yeah, you don’t want to live in the shadow.’ Your hand opened behind your back as you called a spare lightsaber to you. _

_ ‘True.’ You nodded and looked at the ground. The guy went to turn away from you but you jumped up with a yell crossing the two blue sabers together. ‘I am the shadow!’ His red saber clashed with yours. _

_ ‘Have you ever been in a real fight before? Where the other person wants to kill you?’ He snarled. You traded a few more blows his strength pushing you back a step, you ducked and spun out of his range. ‘My guess is not,’ he continued. ‘I bet Luke Skywalker kept you away from any battles. You were too precious, too special.’ He spat the words at you like venom. They riled you up more, you could feel the anger and the force flowing freely through you, it thrummed in your veins and you felt more powerful than ever. A voice spoke in your mind telling you to be who you’d always meant to be. Before you could react the masked guy charged you and you both fell off the edge falling into darkness, he swung at you his saber leaving a red trail before your eyes. ‘I am not special, I am no one. Means I can do what I want kill who I want.’ You locked sabers and he pulled himself close to you.  _

_ ‘Other people think I’m special,’ you snarled ‘but I don’t!’ You used the force to shift position so he was now below you as you fell, you brought your sabers up together. ‘Means I can do what I want!’ He blocked you a couple of times.  _

_**Strike him down! Claim your birthright!** _

_ ‘I should have known what you were asking of me Ren.’ You stabbed a saber under his guard shoving it through his chest. His body went limp and smacked into the floor and you landed on your feet beside him. You tossed the spare saber away. ‘There’s your good death.’  _

You woke with a jolt covered in sweat, sitting up you noticed your door was slowly closing. You remembered Hux barging in before you feel asleep, but he was now gone. You didn’t like this, any of it. You hoped Kylo was faring better.

Kylo sat up suddenly in his chair causing the Trooper next to him to flinch. Usually that would have amused him but today he barely noticed. He frowned under his mask, why, why would he dream of Ren now? He stood up, it wasn’t like him to fall asleep on a mission either. This was unusual. His head throbbed but he just shrugged it off, he was used to it. Pain made him stronger. 

‘Sir. We’ve arrived.’ Kylo looked down at the planet before him, Jakku. Lor San Tekka had something he wanted. 


	11. Chapter 11

You sat at the table staring at the wall, you felt yourself zoning out. You were bored and in pain there was no escape. It felt like a black hole opened up and sucked you down into its maw. _You could hear the echo of people screaming, shots being fired, you felt angry that you couldn’t find something. An old mans face flashed before you followed by the red light of a saber. The shadow of another man was brought before you and shoved to his knees. His mouth moved but you couldn’t hear what was being said. The whole scene was blurry, the fire in the background burned brightly so the people were just shadows to you. You concentrated harder to try and listen._

_**No**._ It felt like someone had shoved you but not physically, your minds eye snapped back to yourself and you were back in your small quarters in the dark. You sighed, you hadn’t found the switch for the lights they seemed to come on as and when they pleased, maybe to replicate a rising sun somewhere. You wished the First Order would decide what they wanted with you, you hated being stuck in limbo not knowing what was going to happen to you, dealing with these visions that didn’t relate to you at all. You could feel the anger building, snaking around you, your heartbeat sounded loud in your ears as you stood up. You’d had enough, you tipped over your table hoping it would draw the guards attention. Your door opened and you spun round and instinctively made a throwing motion with your arm, the Trooper stumbled back slightly. 

‘What the....hey put your arms down!’ 

‘No.’ You did it again ‘throwing’ a bit harder and he stumbled again but held onto the door frame. You could feel something in your hands but you were holding nothing. You kicked your chair over, you just wanted to destroy everything. The Trooper called for back up as he stepped towards you. ‘No!’ You yelled and pushed your hand out towards him, he smacked into the wall with a thud. Another Trooper slid into the room and fired a stun gun at you. You convulsed with the pain before everything went black. 

Kylo looked down at you, they had bound you in the interrogation chair again while you were knocked out. He had heard from the Troopers what you did and his suspicions were confirmed, you were a force user. He crouched down in front of you and clenched his fists. He was still angry he didn’t get what he needed on Jakku, but another good death had happened by his hand. Each good death pushed him more and more to the dark side, it stopped the call of the light. Only for a short while, but it helped. As he studied your peaceful sleeping face he wondered if he should tell you the First Order had captured your brother in the fight on Jakku. It proved the resistance were also looking for the same thing as Kylo. Of course they were. Whoever got to him first won the war, but Kylo didn’t care about that. He wanted to face him. Kill him, properly this time. Luke Skywalker was the good death he needed. 

You came to slowly, you felt groggy but you were pleased your head wasn’t hurting. You opened your eyes slowly and saw Kylo Ren crouched in front of you. You eyed him wearily as you tugged on your restraints.

‘Why am I in here? Again.’ 

‘You attacked a Trooper.’ You shifted uneasily. We’re they going to kill you now? Was this it? Was Kylo Ren going to finish you and finally be free of you? ‘I am not going to kill you.’ He stood and slowly took his mask off. His long raven black hair fell around his face and his brown eyes locked with yours. ‘You have something of value to us.’ _To me_. The words came across your bond, quietly sneaking into your mind, it was more of an impression of what he was trying to say rather than him speaking it to you. 

‘I do?’ He put his mask down and came round to stand at your side, he leant in towards you and you noticed his freckles dotted over his face. 

‘Yes.’ You shook your head, this was ridiculous you didn’t have anything of use to them, to him. The restraints unclipped one by one from your wrists and ankles, you looked at him bewildered as you stepped out of the chair. He looked at the closed door before picking up his mask and putting it back on. He stepped towards it and you had no choice but to follow him. As you stepped into the corridor the door opposite you opened and General Hux stepped out, he sneered unkindly as he saw you and Kylo, but you didn’t care about that. You heard a roaring sound in your ears like your world was crashing in on you, your skin was awash with goosebumps and you felt your hair rise on the back of your neck. Poe. Poe Dameron was in the interrogation chair, a cut on his forehead, bruises over his face and blood oozing out of the corner of his mouth. The door closed slowly on him, you couldn’t swallow past the lump in your throat and your heart beat so hard you were sure other people could hear it. How did they catch him? Did they catch him when they took you? Your eyes turned to Hux who’s sneer melted away as he saw the look on your face. You advanced on him you didn’t care if they shot you there and then, anger raged through you and something else, it flowed from you as you grabbed Hux round the throat but without touching him. You could feel his skin under your hand as you squeezed it, he tried scrabbling at his throat to release himself but nothing was there for him to pull away. His face changed to one fear as he started turning a deep shade of purple. Kylo placed a hand on your shoulder and you released Hux.

‘What is the meaning of this?’ He yelled as best he could. ‘Why isn’t she locked up? You wait until the Supreme Leader hears...’

‘He knows.’ Said Kylo coolly. Hux’s face went bright red to match his hair. He stood up and straightened his jacket.

‘We shall see about that.’ And he marched off with long strides. You went to move towards the door but Kylo increased the pressure on your shoulder. 

‘Let me see him.’ You looked up at Kylo’s mask tears threatening to prick your eyes but you blinked them away. The door whooshed open and your eyes locked with Poe’s. His grew wide with horror as he took in your disheveled appearance and Kylo’s firm grip on your shoulder. He whispered your name in disbelief before straining against his bonds.

‘Get your hands off of her!!’ He yelled. Kylo steered you into the room dismissing the Troopers. You rushed to Poe.

‘What are you doing here? What did I say about getting caught?’ 

‘You’ve been gone for months, I came for you.’ He said his eyes darting all over you drinking you in. 

‘You’re a fool.’ You half sobbed half laughed. 

‘I would do anything for you.’ You could feel him behind you, a big black brooding presence over your reunion with Poe. You stepped away from him, your happiness dwindled. Poe’s eyes flickered between you with a silent question. 

‘He has information we need if he doesn’t give it to us he will die.’ Kylo stated. You closed your eyes in disbelief. This was why Kylo brought you in here. ‘Go through his memories, find it.’

‘No, no y/n you can’t, I don’t have what you need!’ He yelled. 

_Concentrate, focus on him reach into him and take what we need._ You looked at Kylo silently pleading with him but you got nothing, his mask just glinted under the harsh light of the cell as he stood still and watched you. You raised a hand. 

‘No! Y/N you don’t have to do this. No, don’t give into him don’t give them what they want!’ Your hand shook as you spread your fingers, tears slid down your face, this was to save him you told yourself. Right? He’d be safe after this. _Right?_

‘I will give you nothing! I’d rather die!’ Poe snarled at Kylo, his eyes wet. Your heart thumped and your breathing sounded harsh and loud as you reached for him. 

‘You’re not giving it to me.’ Kylo’s voice resonated from his mask smugly. 

_You were slammed with images of your village, the faces of people long gone, your hut, your own face as you laughed at something Poe said, you working in the fields in the hot sun, you in your hut, you frowning at him, you laying in his lap as he stroked your hair.....then it changed you saw an old man sat at a fire, a strange village, people were running screaming. You saw Kylo standing tall, his red saber struck the old man down and you felt Poe’s rage as he shot his blaster. The shot stopped in midair as Troopers grabbed Poe. He was forced to his knees in front of Kylo. This felt familiar to you, an image of a droid appeared that’s when you felt Kylo guiding you. The image came into focus, Poe was talking to the droid putting something in his little storage compartment telling him he’ll be back for him_...then it was gone. Echoes of screaming villagers attacked your senses and you stumbled. Poe’s screams of pain and rage now rung in your ears, your face was wet, wet with the tears you had shed as you invaded his personal memories. You gasped a deep shuddery breath.

‘I’m sorry!’ The door to the cell opened and Kylo addressed a Trooper telling him the map was in a BB unit on Jakku. Another Trooper came in and slapped some cuffs on you, Poe wouldn’t look at you, your vision blurred as you realised what you had done. You had betrayed him, you had chosen the First Order. Poe’s face said a thousand words as you were dragged out of that interrogation room, the wound cut deep for him, deeper than it cut for you. Now they had what they wanted from him he would be dead and you had fooled yourself into thinking different. You turned in the Troopers grasp and kicked him in the shin but his tough armour stopped any real pain, he yanked you back before you could run a step, you used the momentum to fall into him and knock him down. Anger coursed through you anger at yourself, anger at the First Order, anger at everybody in white, and black. You rolled and jumped up effortlessly. You spun to face Kylo and rushed him but you stopped before you could reach him. He wrapped you in the force with barely a twitch of his fingers. 

‘Handle this.’ His voice sounded annoyed as he gestured to you, a group of Troopers surrounded you as he stalked off. As they lead you back to your quarters you could feel the headache blooming behind your eyes. You knew he was going to punish you in anyway he could.


	12. Chapter 12

And punish you he did. He left the ship and your head felt like it was going to explode, they never offered you pain relief, you cried, you yelled, screamed. Nothing could dull this pain. You trashed your quarters, stopped eating, banged on the door even begged and still that door remained shut. You lay there exhausted, you don’t even know how many days it had been when you felt the vile threads of Snoke’s presence invade your mind. 

_I shall give you two options. Remain as you are, or come to me._ You groaned as you lay on the cold hard floor, you were sweating and felt nauseous. You couldn’t take anymore. 

_I’ll come to you...._ moments later the door opened and you were lifted by two Troopers, the pain in your head was blinding and the sudden light in the corridor hurt your eyes. You tried to keep up with their steps but your legs weren’t working properly, in the end they lifted you and carried you all the way to Snoke. You were dumped before him, the red not doing much for your head anymore than the white did. 

‘Tut tut he has got you in a muddle.’ His voice was no more than a whisper but it boomed around you as he stood up and walked towards you. ‘I have a proposition for you.’ Your stomach heaved. 

‘Anything.....’ you mumbled.

‘I didn’t hear you?’ 

‘Anything!’ 

‘I was hoping you’d say that.’ He walked around you. ‘My apprentice will teach you how to use the dark side of the force, and in turn you will answer to me.’ He stopped in front of you and grabbed your face to look up at him. ‘Kylo Ren’s training is almost complete, but he could teach you many a thing.’ You nodded. He released you. ‘Fetch Kylo Ren at once and bring him to me. Hold on child.....he is coming.’ You lay down on the cold floor not able to support yourself any longer and you faded in and out of consciousness. 

You heard boots, the heavy footfall of boots by your head. You opened your eyes and squinted expecting to be met with blinding pain but your headache had gone. You looked up and saw the red of Snoke’s throne room, but your eyes were drawn to Kylo’s mask. 

‘Train her in the dark side. Soon we shall have Skywalker and she will be of use to us.’ 

‘Yes Supreme Leader.’ He looked down as you got up and dusted yourself off. He spun and began to walk away, you looked back at Snoke who made a pointed look in Kylo’s direction. You took the hint and followed him. The ride in the elevator was deadly quiet. You couldn’t tell if Kylo was pleased or not to be training you. You were just happy you didn’t feel like you were dying anymore. The doors opened and Kylo paused. 

‘ I suggest you eat. We will start tomorrow morning.’ Your stomach rumbled you were finally hungry, you also needed a shower. You spent the rest of the day sorting out your quarters and resting. 

In the morning Kylo came to get you. When the door opened Kylo marched off and you dutifully followed, he lead you to what looked like training grounds. Troopers milled about with officers and other personnel. They all hushed and cast side glances at you and Kylo as you both walked through the grounds. He lead you into a room, the lights came on automatically and you were surprised to see him take his helmet off. He flicked his dark hair out of his face, he put it on the table followed by his saber, gloves and his cloak. He sat cross legged on the floor and gestured for you to join him. You sat opposite him, his eyes closed and he straightened out his shoulders, you copied him laying your hands on your knees before closing your eyes. Instantly you felt him and your mind reached out for him, if felt like he was seeping into your very soul and you welcomed him. 

Kylo stiffened slightly as your presence washed over him eagerly. He could sense you, everything about you, you were an open book to him. He had never felt so much of someone before, he’d had a connection with a Jedi before but nothing like this, this was something else. Your many emotions cascaded through your bond entwining with his. He could almost see your wonder it was like flashes of white but there, in the dark lurked your anger and that’s what he wanted. Anger, fear, worry, pain, he’d felt them all through your bond he knows they are in there and they flare up so easily. He gently nudges a memory to the forefront of your mind. An image of Poe. Your whole demeanour changes, the flashes of white fade to nothing, red and black become the foremost colours and he can feel the vibrations through the strings that tie you together, he is your trigger. 

Slowly you both withdraw from one another and open your eyes. Kylo notices that you had both shifted closer, your knees were touching and you both were leaning slightly towards each other. Your fingers twitched and brushed Kylo’s large hand by accident, that gentle touch alone sent shivers across his skin and he hurriedly got up away from you. 

‘What just happened?’ You asked. Kylo put on his mask as he wondered if you meant what just happened or what the meditating was. He put his gloves on slowly.

‘We meditated. You fell into it very naturally.’

‘I had your guidance through our....bond.’ He clipped his saber to his belt before turning to you. 

‘I suppose our...Our bond helped.’ You smiled slightly. He tried to ignore his mixed emotions as he brushed past you. He opened the door and a Trooper snapped to attention. ‘Take her back to her quarters. No cuffs.’ The Trooper slowly lowered the restraints. ‘You will go quietly?’ You nodded. Kylo strode off eager to get back to his own quarters. He needed to sort himself out, your face was ingrained into his mind and he couldn’t shake the feelings you were feeling, you had sunk into his soul, the bond between you had strengthened. Even now as he walked away he had the urge to turn around run back to you, envelope you with his arms...his pace quickened. Ever grateful for the mask covering his face. 


	13. Chapter 13

Kylo paced in his quarters, his fists clenching,finger nails digging into his skin drawing blood.He didn’t know what to to, he couldn’t shut you out, you were always there on the edges of his mind he couldn’t concentrate. He’d never felt this before, the need to be close to someone. The _want_ to be understood. He felt if he opened up to you, you would accept him for who he is. But still, he didn’t want to risk it. His uncle hadn’t accepted him and he knew Snoke doesn’t, they wanted him to either be the best Jedi or another Darth Vader. He looked at his grandfathers broken helmet wishing for guidance that only he could give. But nothing came. His comm link went off it was Hux requesting him immediately. He sighed and put his mask on before heading for the bridge. 

As Kylo approached he knew you were there already, a warmth radiated from you, your own unique aura. The First Order had dressed you similarly to the Knights but they modified it for you, the armour was more supple and cloth like. It suited you. Hux was jittery Kylo could sense something important had happened. Hux looked at him with wide eyes and pointedly looked at you before turning back to Kylo. The message wasn’t coming across and Hux rolled his eyes as Kylo just stood there silently. 

‘Fine.’ He snapped. ‘We had a traitor in our midst.’ Kylo’s blood ran cold. There was nothing worse than a traitor, he should know. ‘A Trooper, one of our own, helped the resistance pilot escape.’ Kylo could feel the tremor from you through your bond, you didn’t know the pilot was still alive. ‘We are looking on the system now for the....’ 

‘From the village, FN - 2187.’ Hux frowned slightly but didn’t question Kylo’s accuracy. 

‘Well they escaped in a TIE fighter and we are about to shoot them down.’ Kylo noticed you breathing heavily through your nose as you tried to control yourself. 

‘Sir, they’ve been hit.’ A technician said. 

‘Destroyed?’ Asked Hux.

‘No sir just damaged they were heading back to Jakku.’

‘They’ve gone back for the droid. We’ll have them shortly, retrieve them.’ Hux sounded immensely pleased with himself. The order was sent out and a transport almost immediately headed down to the planet. 

‘I will leave you to retrieve the Droid.’ 

You watched Kylo stride away, it had been at least a week now, he barely said anything to you anymore. He even had you training with the Knights so he didn’t have to be alone with you. But you couldn’t concentrate on that now, Poe was alive. And they called him a pilot? Maybe they weren’t talking about Poe, but you knew they were. Just a feeling. As you looked out of the window on the bridge down to Jakku you couldn’t help but want to be down there. 

‘You better survive that crash,’ you whispered. 

‘Did you say something?’ You straightened up showing you weren’t intimidated by him. Hux disliked you, you could feel it rolling off of him. You glared at him before striding off. You needed to hit something. You found the Knights lounging about at the training grounds Ap’lek easily fell into step beside you. 

‘You feel angry.’

‘No flies on you is there.’ You shrugged off your cloak you could feel your anger building as you rolled your shoulders to loosen up. 

‘Here.’ He offered you his weapon, it was long with a curved blade on the end. You’d been doing some reading since you were allowed access to books and he was offering you an ancient Mandalorian weapon. You took it and shifted it until it felt comfortable in your hands. You twirled it round a few times and nodded. 

‘I see why you like this so much. Any takers?’ Cardo instantly stood up, he was the biggest out of the Knights, the others were about precision but Cardo was all about destroying. 

‘Me.’ You smirked slightly, you were so much smaller than him this would be easy. He picked his weapon up, you couldn’t even recognise what it was it was so heavily modified. You planted your feet and held the weapon in front of you pointing at Cardo. He charged and you sidestepped rapping him across the shoulders. A roar of pure wrath flew from his mouth as the other Knights laughed. Time and time again you whacked him across the knuckles, his elbow, the back of his knees and even once on his face. That enraged him, he was baring down on you spitting in your face, he was too close to you and the weapon you had was trapped. You could tell he wasn’t thinking, his eyes glassy and his mind soupy focused on the fight not _who_ he was fighting. He was going to kill you, he lunged but at the last second he stopped. Kylo stepped forward his hand outstretched as he choked Cardo, rage was clearly etched all over his face as for once he didn’t have his mask on. You could feel the anger pouring off him.

‘She is not to be harmed!’ He snarled through a clenched jaw. The other Knights just stood silently and watched as Cardo fell to his knees his face turning blue. They accepted whatever Kylo said or did, they were loyal to a fault. You wished you knew how he had got such loyal body guards but you didn’t dare ask.

_Stop. I asked him to fight me._ Kylo flinched as you spoke to him across your bond. You didn’t want to undermine him in front of the other Knights and you didn’t want to appear weak to them either. Kylo released him. 

‘She fought well.’ Ushar told Kylo over the sound of Cardo coughing and gasping.

‘Anger makes us all stronger.’ His brown eyes locked with yours as though he was making you aware that he knew you were angry about Poe. He knew that Poe was alive and didn’t tell you. You threw the vibro-ax back at Ap’lek.

‘I’m done with training for today.’ You spun on your heel and left. No one stopped you as you stomped out of the training grounds. 

Kylo watched you storm away before rounding on Cardo. 

‘We need her you fool, you were going to kill her!’ Cardo stayed on his knees looking at the floor, Ap’lek nudged him and Cardo sighed.

‘She bested me.’ Then he clamped his mouth shut. 

‘She is more _powerful_ than all of you put together. Just remember that.’ Kylo marched off to his meditating room. It felt like all he did these days was go from hiding in his quarters to hiding in here. Away from you, Snoke, Hux and even the Knights. He cursed loudly his saber coming to life in his hands. His soul was in turmoil, the feelings he felt when he saw Cardo going to land the killing blow on you terrified him. The thought of not sensing you anymore scared him. Nothing scared Kylo Ren.  _I am the shadow_ . His anger at himself boiled over with a yell he slashed at the walls and anything he could reach.

The sounds of a lightsaber rung in your ears as you paced your quarters. The fight with Cardo had done nothing to improve your mood, you felt fidgety. Then you slowled and stopped. Maybe it wasn’t you that felt this anger, it was so hard to see where your emotions ended and Kylo’s began because they blended together all the time, they bled into one another over your bond and there was no cut off point. Maybe if he spoke to you you could make sense of all this! Probably today wasn’t the best time though. You looked out of your little window as you hung above Jakku, you’d spent so much of your life longing to be here in space, now you wanted to be back down there, feeling the wind in your hair the splash of river water on your skin. Oh how you longed to breathe fresh air that hadn’t been filtered over and over again. You sighed as you thought of Poe, there hadn’t been any word yet on the Trooper, Poe or the Droid.You hoped they all escaped together leaving the First Order chasing their tails. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what a Kyber crystal would sound like, I probably got loads wrong in this chapter but let’s face it, it’s a fanfic and I can do what I like with it!

You stood on the bridge watching the officer approach Kylo, he was wringing his hat in his hands and you assumed it wasn’t good news. 

‘S...sir.’ He swallowed nervously as he eyed Kylo’s broad back. ‘Th...the droid escaped on a stolen freighter.’ You smirked slightly. Good. 

‘The droid, stole a freighter?’ Kylo’s voice was deadly as it came out of his mask.

‘Nnn...no....not exactly.’ Kylo turned slightly. ‘It had help, FN-2187.....’ You could feel the ripple in the force as Kylo reached for the officer dragging him to where he was standing.

‘I wanted that droid and the traitor and you’re telling me they escaped on a stolen freighter?!’

‘A YT-1300 l...light freighter.....’ the officer stuttered out before Kylo threw him down. 

‘Find me that ship!!’ He roared and suddenly the bridge was busy with people. You followed him as he stormed off people swerving out of his way, you rolled your shoulders to try and ease the ache at the base of your neck. His emotions were really wearing today, just constant anger all the time. He was probably going to have a tantrum now and break something you thought to yourself as you rolled your eyes. 

You nearly collided with his tense frame as he stopped dead in front of you. 

‘It’s time.’ He said simply. You had no idea what for and you had to scurry to catch up with him. He took you into a room and when the lights came on you realised it was his own private quarters. Black streaks smeared across the floor and walls, clearly made by a light saber. He threw his gloves onto the table. 

‘There isn’t much left to,  _ break _ here.’ You blushed deeply as you realised he had read your thoughts. 

‘Sorry. Sometimes I forget...’ he took his mask off and slammed it down. 

‘You need to prepare to go to Ilum. It’s time we built you a weapon.’

‘What’s at Ilum?’

‘Snow.’ He clenched his fists, his back straight with tension. ‘We shall leave in a few hours time.’ You frowned slightly and he sensed your hesitation. He turned to look at you, you blushed deeply again as you realised how idiotic you were about to sound.

‘I’ve, I’ve  never seen snow before.’ He turned back to look out at the stars from his window.

‘Pack warm clothes.’ He said quietly. You nodded and left his quarters. You still had no idea how warm, you had to request a droid to fetch you appropriate clothing for Ilum. It brought back a bag full of clothes made out of animal fur, a big coat, gloves, even boots, and some warm under clothes. You got dressed in the thermals, they fitted snuggly to you and felt soft on your skin. You put your boots back on and carried the rest to Kylo’s Command ship. 

You could hear the Knights before you saw them, it had been a while since they had been off ship it seemed and you couldn’t help but get caught up in their jovial mood. Vicrul bumped your shoulder playfully as you put all your gear in the ship. 

‘Ilum hey?’ You shrugged, you had no idea what to expect, you’d never even seen snow and they were clearly far more travelled than you were. 

‘Why are we going?’ You asked, Ushar sniggered. Ap’lek rolled his eyes.

‘You really have no idea?’ You could feel your annoyance rising as they clearly knew more than you did. Kuruk stood, he had never said anything to you before he was always the one in the background hugging the shadows. 

‘You are to get your Kyber.’ He stated. You’d read the term before, a kyber crystal was the heart of a lightsaber. Now you realised what Kylo meant, he wanted you to construct your lightsaber. Heavy footsteps sounded behind you and all the knights visibly straightened as he came on board, you could tell it was Kylo, his presence washed over you and it was strangely comforting. He motioned to the pilot they were all clear to go. 

‘You should get changed it’s only a short jump.’ You nodded, grabbed your stuff and headed to the room at the back of the ship.

You couldn’t help but gasp slightly as Ilum came into view, it was a snowy planet but it was covered in what looked like a ship? Starkiller base loomed in front of the ship and you could t help but admire the First Orders boundary pushing. The Command ship landed and you were grateful for your furs as the icy winds blew through the hanger. Kylo stood with his mask on looking out at the snow, the Knights all stood behind him waiting for orders. 

‘I am going to take her to the Crystal Cave just beyond the ridge. We will be gone a while. You know what to do.’ Ap’lek winked at you just before they all slunk off to do what it was they did when Kylo wasn’t around. 

Kylo could feel your nervousness. He felt just as apprehensive about being alone with you, but this needed doing and it wasn’t a quick process. He had got permission off Snoke to do it his way for a change. He glanced at you as you stood next to him peering out at the snow from your hood. He had put thermals on under his suit, he asked you to wear furs because you’d never been to a cold planet before. ‘Let’s go. Stay close.’ The snow flurries were getting thicker, luckily the cave wasn’t too far away. You both trudged through the snow, it was tough but you both finally made it. Kylo swiped snow off his cloak as he looked around, the cave was deep you were well sheltered in here.

You could see the weak light from outside didn’t go far as you peered into the inky depths before you. Kylo shook snow off his cloak and you pulled your hood down as you looked at the walls. A dripping noise echoed from deep within the cave, you took a glove off and touched the crystal like walls marvelling at how cold they were, you shook your head slightly as you could hear a faint ringing noise. You weren’t sure where it came from but you tried to ignore it. You followed Kylo without a word, the darkness swallowed you both up and you instinctively moved closer to him. He lit his lightsaber, the crackling and buzzing resonated around you loudly, the red glow blinding you briefly. The ringing noise intensified the deeper and deeper you went. You felt like you’d been walking for a while when Kylo paused. You had come to a fork in the path, he went to go left but you gently placed a hand on his arm, you were being called from the right hand tunnel. You took the lead and Kylo now followed you as you walked quickly, the tunnel opened up into a large cavern and the sounds of your boots echoed loudly all around you. The ringing in your ears was deafening now, you tried to cover your ears while looking at Kylo wondering what was happening.

Kylo felt your fear pluck at your bond, he knew you were hearing the sounds of the crystals. He used to hear them, but now they don’t speak to him anymore not since he made his kyber bleed.  
_ Use the force find the one that calls you.  _ You nodded at him then closed your eyes. He could feel the calmness wash over you, your attunement to the force was extraordinary considering your lack of training. He had almost been trained since birth but he was in awe how things came so easily to you. Kylo sat down on a large rock, took off his mask and ran a hand through his hair. He looked at his saber as it flickered before him, he remembered after killing Ren he had taken his kyber crystal and poured all his feelings into the blue gem. The feelings of betrayal that Luke, his own uncle had tried to kill him, the destruction he caused on the Jedi temple, he killed Voe, Hennix, their blood was on his hands. Hate, fear, anger it all flooded from him to his kyber crystal and it cracked and bled turning into a red crystal. He liked the fact that his crystal resembled him, cracked, bleeding, unstable. He huffed and turned his saber off plunging you both into darkness.


	15. Chapter 15

You opened your eyes and gasped. The cavern had a soft glow to it and you could just about see, the space wasn’t as huge as you thought but it was still big. Your eyes were drawn to Kylo who was slumped against a rock sleeping, his mask lay discarded next to him and you knelt down not sure whether to wake him or not. You took this chance to study his face, the shape of his eyes, his slightly parted lips, the freckles that dotted his skin and his deep black hair. A warm feeling spread through you as you looked at him, one of the most dangerous men in the galaxy and you felt so safe with him. You looked over at the cave wall and saw one of the crystals was glowing more brightly then the others, you got up and gently teased it out. It wasn’t that big and it was clear, you had read they came in different colours but the only colour that was ever mentioned was red. You knew you had to attune yourself to the gem but you weren’t sure how. You bit your lip and decided it was time to wake Kylo. 

He jolted awake as you gently shook his arm, his hand flying to his saber in reflex his eyes wide in shock. 

‘It’s just me.’ Your voice echoed around the cavern. He blinked at you as if trying to establish it really was you, he rubbed his face trying to wake himself up you held out your hand and showed him the crystal. 

‘Are you ready for the next stage?’ He asked quietly, you nodded. ‘I want you to think of everything that happened to you, everything that’s made you angry, upset even frightened, take it all and put it into your gem.’ You bit your lip slightly as you thought about what he said. 

‘What about things that made me happy?’ He grunted in what you assumed to be amusement. 

‘Happy? From what I know about you that’s not a lot.’ You bristled at his comment.

‘Things have made me happy, Poe for one, travelling through space, learning to fly!’

‘And where did that get you? Where’s your precious Poe now?’ He snarled. You gripped the crystal tightly and you felt it cut into the palm of your hand. ‘He is probably dead on the surface of Jakku and all because he came to save you, and what did you do? You betrayed him.’ Anger snaked through you and the sound of your hand slapping Kylo’s cheek rang through the empty cavern. He slowly turned to look at you, his brown eyes wide with shock, as you stood there shaking with rage. You clenched your fists wishing you could slap him again. You turned away trying to get your emotions under control. ‘Don’t control it,  let go .’ You looked down at your palm, blood covered the gem where you had gripped it so tight it had sliced your skin, you concentrated, the ringing in your ears intensified as every memory of Poe flashed through your mind. But the look in his eyes as you betrayed him was the one that hit you the most, sadness and grief washed over you and you fell to your knees your eyes never leaving the gem that sat in your palm. Everything around you dimmed as you relived that memory over and over again in a continuous loop. 

Kylo watched you fall to your knees, he could feel the turmoil inside you, the sadness, it washed over your bond. He could see the tears falling from your glassy eyes as you stared sightlessly at the gem in your hand. He turned away from you but it didn’t make him feel better. Usually he didn’t think much of other peoples pain, but he felt yours so deeply it reminded him of his own emotional turmoil. He gently put a hand on his cheek that still stung from your touch, he had done it on purpose. If you had gone back to Snoke with anything but a red gem he’d have killed you. Your reaction had surprised him, but he had deserved it. He always deserved it. Every scar, every bruise he had ever received, from Snoke, Ren, even his fellow Jedi and now from you. 

Kylo’s hatred for himself linked with your sadness and disgust for what you had done mingled together, the ringing in your ears reached an awful pitch as the gem in your palm glowed and vibrated with the power of the force. You instinctively closed your hand around it, you cried out as pain lanced up your arm as it shook violently. 

_ C _ _oncentrate_.... Kylo’s voice spoke to you and you concentrated on the gem, you could hear yourself screaming but it sounded far off, red light burst from your hand before everything around you went black. 

Kylo ducked as the ripple you created in the force shook the cavern you were in. Everything went dark and he heard you fall to the floor, he stayed still until the sound of rocks tumbling and dust settling had stopped. His eyes adjusted to the glow in the cavern once again and he slowly made his way over to you. The gem glowed brightly in your hand and he breathed a sigh of relief at the red light pulsating from within. He gently skimmed over you with the force checking you were unharmed before sitting down next to you. Now he just had to wait for you to wake up.


	16. Chapter 16

You sat in a chair back at base, Kylo had gathered items for you to construct your own saber. You didn’t want to do it now, you were tired and drained. It looked complicated, there were no books to study and judging by the look of Kylo’s lightsaber hilt he built stuff a little rough round the edges. You had barely spoken to him on the way out of the caves, you just wanted to get back to base so you could hide away from him. A noise startled you but it was just Cardo coming in. His eyes expertly skimmed the materials.

‘I could probably help?’ He said. You shrugged.

‘Shouldn’t _ he _ be helping me?’ You didn’t even want to say his name, you didn’t want to see Kylo and he knew it. But you didn’t want to admit you needed help. ‘He is currently with the Supreme Leader. Updating him on y....the situation.’ 

‘This is ridiculous.’ You slammed your hand down onto the table making the materials shift. ‘How am I meant to do this with no training?!’ 

‘That’s why I am here now.’ You rolled your eyes, of course he heard you. For once his mask was off and he put it on the table. He glared at Cardo who took the hint and left, you marvelled that a man that large could move that quickly. Kylo pulled his gloves off before sitting opposite you. He put his hilt gently on the table, he began to talk you through the mechanics and slowly you started to construct your weapon. You questioned him on everything and although he always had an answer he was getting more irate every time your mouth opened. ‘This weapon is an extension of you, of your connection to the force.’ 

‘Why does yours have the bits on the hilt?’ You gestured to the vents on the side.

‘My crystal is cracked. Unstable, the vents prevent it from overloading.’  _An extension of me, cracked, broken_.... Your eyes gravitated to his as the words whispered across your mind. Kylo snatched his hilt off the table breaking the eyes contact as he stood up. ‘You know the basics, use the force it will guide you.’ He grabbed his mask and left. You frowned at all the pieces before you. He had said you might not use all of them, you just had to concentrate. You closed your eyes and breathed steadily, you could feel your crystal and you slowly built the hilt around it.

Kylo paced on the training grounds while he waited for you. The Knights had gathered as well and they stood silently watching. He could feel you as you approached, he felt slightly calmer, less agitated the closer you got. You had the hilt in your hand, without prompting you ignited the blade. It was crimson, the blade was smooth and barely made a noise. Polished. It was perfect. You pressed a button and half the hilt swung down and clicked into place to create a double bladed saber, almost like a staff. You twirled it showing it off before activating the hinge again and making it one. Kylo ignited his saber with a twirl of his wrist and planted his feet firmly on the floor. Your eyes glinted as you silently accepted his challenge. Kylo’s blade crackled wildly as you blocked his blows, you activated the hinge mid spin and brought your saber up to block him again, he locked his hilt onto yours and he pushed down on you using his height to his advantage, you were backed up against the wall the vent from his saber dangerously close to your face. His eyes glinted in the red light as he looked at you waiting for your next move. You called on the force using all your strength you heaved him back with a yell and spun your saber to point at him, you fired off some quick attacks pushing him back into the middle. Your blades locked together again and he pushed the end of your saber into the floor, you could smell burning and sparks began to fly as he pushed it lower his eyes never leaving yours. You willed your saber off and jumped over him to land behind him, you reignited your saber and swung it at his neck. You held it there, as close to him as you dared, he turned slowly to face you. You couldn’t read his expression and it annoyed you that you still couldn’t read him as well as he could read you. His saber clicked off.

‘We’re done.’ He grabbed his mask and marched out of the training grounds. Ap’lek sniggered.

‘He didn’t like that did he?’ You shrugged and clipped your saber onto your belt. 

‘I don’t think any of us has ever bested him in a fight.’ Said Trudgen as they began to move off leaving you alone. You slowly made your way back to your quarters, you could tell you were heading towards Kylo. You sighed all you did was practice fighting or read in your quarters, maybe he’d let you shadow him for a bit. You had started doing that before you came to Ilum. You followed your instincts and found him in a corridor talking with an officer, he glanced in your direction as you came into view. You hung back so you couldn’t hear what they were saying, he nodded and the officer left. Kylo marched up to you, his mask glinted in the harsh light of the base. 

‘Snoke wants to see us.’ You fell into step beside him. He took you to a large round room which had a giant holopad in the middle, an image flickered up and it was Snoke but the image projected made him at least 10 times bigger, you copied Kylo and fell to your knees. 

‘Rise my apprentice.’ Kylo stood up and you stayed where you were not sure if you were to get up or not. ‘The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon in the hands of your father.....’ your eyes widened at the floor. His father, Kylo’s father! Couldn’t be... ‘Han Solo.’ You could feel the force vibrating around Kylo just at the mention of his name. ‘We need to retrieve it before he hands it over the resistance. They are heading to Takodana.’ You felt Snoke’s attention on you. ‘Rise child.’ You stood slowly and raised your eyes to look at the hologram. ‘Show me your weapon.’ You unclipped the saber and lit it. ‘Good, flawless. Well done.’ He murmured. You could feel something radiating off Kylo, envy it felt like that Snoke had praised you and not him. ‘Now I want you to accompany Kylo Ren on his mission. Retrieve the droid.’ The imagine flickered and he was gone. You went to leave but Kylo didn’t move, he was rigid like a statue. You reached out and a flood of emotions cascaded over you, you went to touch Kylo’s arm to comfort him.

‘No!’ He pushed you away and ripped his mask off, his face was contorted with fury as he advanced on you, he pointed a finger in your face as you backed away from him. ‘I do not need your pity, I am not sad!’ He spat at you. ‘I know what needs to be done.’ He retreated slightly his eyes seeing past you. ‘I know what needs to be done.’ He spun and walked away his footsteps thudding heavily on the floor. You stayed leaning against the console of the holopad, your heart was racing at his sudden aggression, you weren’t sure if you should move yet. No one else was around and you had to get on the ship Snoke said you should go with him. You started to head to the hanger, as you rounded the corner you saw the Knights and you quickened your pace to catch up with them. Ap’lek looked at you and nodded slightly in your direction. You pulled your hood over your head as you matched their strides and headed to the Command ship. 


	17. Chapter 17

The hanger was bustling with activity as Troopers were being loaded onto transport ships and pilots were getting into TIE fighters. The Knights, you and a group of Troopers filed onto the ship. Everyone snapped to attention as Kylo stomped up the ramp, his mask was back on and his cloak flared around him. The atmosphere on the ship was thick with anticipation as they made the jump to light speed and then coming out over a forest jungle like planet. It reminded you of the lush green forest from where you had come from but you didn’t have time to dwell. The battle was already in progress as the pilot guided the ship down to the ground. Kylo didn’t hesitate as the ramp lowered and you and the Knights followed him. The troopers formed a perimeter round the ramp, the Knights moved off and jumped straight into the battle, you stayed with Kylo you could feel him searching for something, someone. Amongst the rubble of a destroyed building you saw Chewbacca firing his bowcaster, Han was next to him. But something else caught your attention, a ripple in the force. You peered into the trees and saw a flash of white and orange, the droid! 

_Come with me_ , said Kylo and you faithfully followed. Your senses were on high alert as you could hear blaster fire in the amongst the trees, you were acutely aware of where Kylo was and you mirrored his motions weaving silently through the trunks. Suddenly he stopped and you saw a girl firing a small blaster at some troopers, she was nervous and her hand shook every time she fired.  _Take care of her, I will look for the droid._ You walked towards her, her eyes widened and she fired a few times at you, without thinking you deflected the blasts with your lightsaber, you reached out with the force as you had seen Kylo do many times before and froze her in place. 

‘Where is the droid?’ You asked circling her. 

‘I don’t know.’

‘Where is FN-2187?’ 

‘Finn?’ With a fluid motion you flicked your saber and brought up the second blade near her face.

‘Where are they?!’ 

‘I don’t know! I ran away.’ You glanced back at the Command ship even though it wasn’t visible through the trees. Maybe the First Order had them already. You lowered your saber as you felt Kylo come up behind you. 

‘The Resistance is nearly here, is she of use to us?’ Her eyes flickered between you.

‘She travelled with FN-2187 and the droid, she could be hiding some information.’ Kylo nodded. 

‘It would be good practice for you.’ He waved a hand in front of her face and she fell asleep, you let her fall and Kylo caught her. ‘Let’s head back to the ship.’ You went ahead this time but no one challenged you as you came out of the trees. 

‘Sir we need more troops.’ A Trooper said as you approached the Command ship. You and Kylo looked up at the sky, the TIE fighters were nearly all gone and the ground force was struggling. You could see and hear the x-wings making short work of the First Order.

‘Give the order to retreat.’ Kylo walked up the ramp but you paused, you could feel something familiar. Someone called your name but you barely heard it over the start up of the Command ship. You turned around and saw Poe standing in the rubble. You weren’t prepared to see him, his hair was slightly longer it seemed darker and curlier than you remembered and you noticed he was in a pilots jumpsuit. 

‘Oh Poe...’ you breathed as your chest constricted, you had so much you wanted to say to him, to apologise, to hug him.....the ship rose off the ground, the air billowing around you and the ramp started to close, you couldn’t think of anything else to do but wave at him until you couldn’t see him anymore. You stared at the closed ramp as you tried to make sense of what you were feeling as tears threatened to fall. The ship was full of troopers, the Knights and Kylo. No one was going to see you cry today. You blinked a few times and walked into the main part of the ship. Kylo had laid the girl down on some seats, he turned as you approached and gestured to her. 

‘She is your prisoner. You will interrogate her when we get back to Starkiller base.’ You nodded and looked out of the window as the stars rushed by. You wished you were back there already, you could feel yourself just hanging on by a thread and all you wanted to do was fall apart in private. 

Kylo looked down at you, he could feel your misery it drowned everything else out. Why did this Poe have such a hold on you? Kylo looked out at the stars not liking the way it made him feel. His hands felt clammy inside his gloves and he was grateful for his mask as he realised he felt  jealous . Jealous you were pining for someone else? Kylo clenched his fists, he needed off this ship and fast. He needed to be away from everyone but especially you. He forced choked an officer and brought him close to his mask.

‘Get us back to Starkiller base. Now.’ The atmosphere in the ship tensed and suddenly the crew became extra busy with their heads down as they tried to increase the speed of the ship. 

As soon as the ramp was open enough Kylo was out of it and across the hanger, you directed some troopers to take the girl to interrogation and that you’d be there shortly. You managed to walk back to your quarters without anyone stopping you, as soon as you shut the door you slid to the floor finally letting your emotions free. Tears slid down your face as memories replayed in your mind, they were all of Poe back on your planet, and then of Poe in the interrogation chair, his eyes staring at you accusingly as you betrayed him. 

_‘You did this! You chose this!’ He yelled at you, blood spraying from his mouth every time he spoke._

_‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!’ You wailed._

_‘My parents are dead because of you! Everyone is dead because of you!’_

_‘It wasn’t my fault...’_

_ ‘Everything is your fault. I  HATE you.’ The words echoed around you and Poe disappeared, you were now faced with an image of yourself.  _

_‘I hate you....selfish......it’s your fault.......you did this......chose this......I hate you.......’_ you ignited your saber and with a scream you plunged it into your own chest. Suddenly you woke up to the smell of burning, your saber was lit and you had stabbed it into the mirror and through the wall in the bathroom. You switched it off and looked through the hole into your quarters. You jumped as the door burst open and to your surprise it was Kylo with his own saber lit, his mask was off and he looked around your quarters his eyes wide. Then he saw you peeking out of the hole in the wall. 

‘What happened? You were being attacked...’ 

‘I was. By myself it seems.’ He sheathed his saber and you stepped out of the bathroom. ‘I had a vision.’ You wanted to say more but couldn’t bring yourself to. Kylo stood there awkwardly he didn’t know whether to leave or not. ‘I should go, I have a prisoner to interrogate.’ You said quietly. He nodded and moved aside to let you pass. You marched past him and down to the interrogation rooms, you felt nervous the last time you’d done this it was to your best friend. But you didn’t know this girl, it would be easier to detach yourself from the situation. You walked into the room and dismissed the trooper keeping guard, she was awake, her eyes wide as she stared at you. 

‘What do you want from me?’ You reached for her, reached for her mind, her memories. You saw the trooper FN-2187, the droid and Han. ‘No!’ She screamed and you were pulled out of her mind. You reached for her again but she managed to hold you off, her eyes never leaving yours. ‘I will give you nothing.’ She gasped. You frowned, she was using the force against you. She leant forward, sweat beading on her forehead as she mentally pushed against you. An image of Poe flashed in your mind. ‘He will never forgive you.’ In a flash you had ignited your saber and held it at her throat, your fury at her words made your arm tremble. 

‘What did you say?’ You whispered. Just then the door opened and Kylo stepped in, you slowly lowered your weapon before leaving. Kylo called your name but you didn’t go back, or you’d have killed her. Rage was pumping through you, your saber vibrated in your hand as you stalked down the corridors, officers and troopers alike scrambled to get out of your way, all they saw was the red weapon coming towards them. You made it outside, the cold wind did nothing to ease your mood as you waded through the snow. You weren’t sure how long you walked for, you were so wrapped up in your own turmoil you hadn’t noticed the distance you had covered or how cold you were, but the sound of a ship splintering trees made you flatten yourself against the cold ground. If flew over you thundering through the air and close to the ground, it showered you in bits of falling tree, you rolled and dodged some of the larger bits while protecting your face. You slowly got up and shook your clothes out before following the trail the ship had left. You hid behind one of the last remaining trunks and watched as the ramp lowered, Han Solo stepped out and you lowered your weapon. Chewbacca and the ex storm trooper followed. You watched them disappear leaving the Millennium Falcon open for a quick getaway. 

_Kylo...._

_ I’m coming .  _


	18. Chapter 18

You looked around before quickly darting into the ship, you smiled slightly as you trailed your hands along the wall. This was the first ever ship to take you into space, you paused at the seat where Poe had sat such a long time ago. You walked into the cockpit looking at all the controls. 

_The noise of a giggling child echoed from behind you, you spun but no one was there. It happened again and you moved behind a seat as a child came running into the cockpit, he looked to be toddler age as he climbed onto Hans seat, he looked behind him to check he wasn’t followed then gleefully pressed every button he could reach._

_‘BEN!’ You flattened yourself against the wall as a younger Han Solo came into view he grabbed the dark haired toddler. ‘Kid, you’re gonna blow us up.’ The toddler whined as Han tried to stop his grabby little hands, with a squeal of delight the toddler grabbed a leaver and yanked it towards him, Han lost his balance as the ship seemed to jolt forward. ‘Chewie! Come take him he’s trying to kill us again!’ You watched as Han handed the child over and he snuggled into Chewbacca’s fluffy arms. The vision shifted and the toddler was now a preteen sitting in Hans chair. ‘Now what button do you press?’ The dark haired boy pointed to one and Han shouted loudly. ‘You just killed us all! Come on concentrate!’ The vision shifted again and you saw the boy was now a young man. Han was sat in his seat trying to fix something on the control panel._

_‘Dad, something’s been bothering me.’_

_‘Is it to do with your force whatever it is?’_

_‘Well, yeah I think so.’_

_‘Talk to your Uncle Luke.’_

_‘But Dad....’_

_‘I don’t have time, Chewie....Chewie! This thing isn’t working....’ Han strode out of the cockpit leaving a young Ben standing alone. He gripped the seat tightly in frustration and his face fell as he realised his father didn’t have time for him anymore._

‘He was always such a disappointment.’ You spun round and saw Kylo Ren standing there. He slowly moved into the cockpit his gloved hand gliding over the back of his father’s chair.‘Han Solo....’ he whispered. He had seen the visions you had seen, of course he had they were his memories. He had been a great father until Kylo’s force abilities took over and Leia sent him off to Luke. After that Han didn’t want to know, too busy swanning about the Galaxy back to his smuggler ways. 

‘Sir there’s a disturbance back at base. The prisoner, she, er escaped.’ You turned to the trooper. 

‘She  _what_ ?’ You asked. ‘How?’ 

‘Find her.’ Kylo demanded, you nodded and headed off the ship. You paused at the ramp, wondering if leaving Kylo here alone was such a good idea, but you had to find the girl.


	19. Chapter 19

Kylo watched you leave through the window as you and troopers went back to base, the memories you had seen had been ones he couldn’t contain when he’d stepped onto the ship. He gripped tightly onto the seat where his father sat, part of him wanted to rip it out of the floor and smash everything, the other part of him wanted nothing more than to go back to his childhood years when Han took him out into space and taught him how to fly. Kylo clenched his fists as he suppressed a yell of rage, his shoulders shook as he tried to contain himself, he felt like he was suffocating and he scrabbled to take his mask off. He gasped loudly, his chest tightening and leant on the chair heavily. He knew he couldn’t be here for much longer but he also knew he had to face his father. 

The base was in turmoil, the battle raged above you as the resistance made their way closer and closer. You directed troops to search for the girl, she couldn’t have got far. The Knights were already looking for her, though they would probably kill her if they found her and you weren’t done with her yet. You searched for Han and Chewbacca, you weren’t sure why maybe because they were familiar faces, and you hadn’t seen a friendly face in so long. You found them placing bombs in the oscillator structure.

‘What are you doing?’ You hissed before you could stop yourself, it echoed slightly around you, Han whipped round with his blaster out ready to shoot you. He squinted at you like he was trying to place your face.

‘You’re Poe’s friend.’ You felt ashamed to be called his friend. He holstered his blaster clearly assuming you weren’t a threat.

‘I...I was.’ You swallowed nervously. 

‘They got you trapped here kid, you should come back with us. We can get you out on the Falcon.’ He whispered. You could, it sounded like a dream, the temptation was there. You opened your mouth to reply when footsteps rung out around you. Han grabbed you and you both hid behind a column. It was Kylo and a group of troopers. 

‘Find them.’ Kylo said. He walked out onto the bridge, Han stepped around you, you went to stop him but he slipped your grasp, you took a few steps after him then Han shouted.

‘ **BEN**!’ You heard the clicks of blasters as the troopers all aimed at him. Kylo stopped on the bridge, you held your breath waiting for his reaction. You felt tension in the air from Kylo, though when he spoke he sounded calm and collected. 

You quietly slipped out, you could sense the girl was close. A flash of movement outside caught your eye and you saw them making their way up a long ladder. You followed slightly behind, it lead them to a platform high above where you had just been. You crept silently behind them as the girl and the ex trooper stood there watching Kylo and Han below. You couldn’t hear what was being said but you could feel Kylo and his myriad of emotions. You tried to ignore them, to concentrate but they clouded your mind, you stumbled back slightly and slammed yourself against the wall to try and ground yourself, to feel something solid. Han’s face swam in front of you, his voice echoed softly in your ears.

‘Snoke is using you, for your power, when he gets what he wants he’ll crush you. You know it’s true.’ Yes Kylo knew, he knew that Snoke didn’t care about him, but it was too late, the decisions he’d made, the things he’d done made it all too late to turn back now.

‘It’s too late.’ You felt the sadness well up in Kylo’s chest and he took a quick breath to try and steady himself.

‘No it’s not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.’  _Come home come home we miss you come home....._ it echoed around you and you felt Kylo feel the same thing you did, temptation. He wanted to go home, he wanted to go back to who he was, he wanted to answer the call of the light. 

‘I am being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain.’ For the first time you felt the ache that Kylo felt on a daily basis as he looked longingly at his father. His father was the reason he felt the pull to the light. He wanted to please his father, make him proud, but what if he removed that? The thought came out of nowhere as you clutched the wall. If he killed Han then it would all go away and he would be able to continue on his path without conflict. You gasped and clutched your chest, you couldn’t move from where you were standing, you were too lost in your bond with Kylo, unable to snap out of his powerful emotions. ‘I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?’ You heard Kylo say. Han stepped forward.

‘Yes anything.’ Kylo held out his lightsaber hilt, Han smiled just as the light around them faded a darkness bloomed in Kylo, you recoiled trying to pull yourself away but you were trapped within your bond. It filled him with a pulsing need. The need to kill Han Solo. 

_Do it_.... .it was barely a whisper but you heard it. Kylo ignited his saber and it plunged into Han’s chest, you could hear some screaming over the sound of the crackling lightsaber. 

‘No...’ you slumped to the floor, for a moment you felt Kylo’s triumph that he had done it, before that spiralled into nothingness along with Han’s body as it fell from the bridge. Kylo rocked on his heels as the darkness trickled away from him, it felt like his heart was going to explode as the full force of what he had done dawned on him. His father was gone.....pain blossomed in Kylo’s side as Chewbacca shot him, the pain brought forth his anger and he was able to concentrate on that. The pain broke the trance you were in and you were able to move again. 

You managed to heave yourself up as the bombs went off below you, the structure rocked.

‘Rey we need to go!’ They ran past you and headed back down the ladder, you went to follow them but the pain in your side made you double over. You pulled your hand away expecting to see blood but you were unharmed. 

‘What the....?’ It must be Kylo’s wound you could feel. You cursed as you slowly made your way down the ladder. You stumbled and fell at the bottom as the planet shook beneath you. You weren’t going to make it to a ship, you rolled over in the snow feeling Kylo’s anger and pain so intently you could barely move. Suddenly Cardo appeared above you. Without a word he picked you up and took you to a transport, the other Knights were waiting onboard. 

‘Let’s go.’ Shouted Vicrul.

‘Wait! Kylo!’ Ap’lek forced you back down. 

‘He’s coming.’ He stated. You jolted as pain blossomed in your shoulder, you cried out as you grabbed it. 

‘What is going on?!’ You gasped. There was no blood no one was attacking you. ‘He is not coming is he. Where is he?’ The transport lifted off and you clutched onto your seat. The Knights sat around you not answering. The fuzziness came first followed by the pain in your head as you got further and further away from Kylo, it meant he was still on the planet. The planet that was collapsing in on itself. 

You screamed loudly as a burning sensation sliced up your chest and face, you clutched your eye as it felt like your whole face was on fire. The inside of the transport spun as you felt yourself falling into a black hole, the last thing you heard was Ushar as the Knights stood over you.

‘She can’t be experiencing what he is, can she?’ He said. 

‘Anything is possible.’


	20. Chapter 20

You felt groggy as you woke up, the bright lights hurt your eyes and you shielded them with your hand. The room was white, there was barely anything in here but it looked like a medical room. You quickly checked yourself over, you were fine and your head wasn’t hurting either. You opened your door and immediately a nurse came over to you.

‘You’re awake!’

‘Where’s the Commander?’ Her eyes widened slightly.

‘Commander?’ She squealed.

‘Commander Ren where is he?’ You snapped, your body ached and you just wanted this damn nurse to answer you. 

‘We were told not disturb him.’ You ground your teeth loudly in annoyance as you tried to stop the rush of anger.

‘I will deal with the consequences,’ you said quietly. ‘Now tell me — where — he — is.’ You advanced on her with each word backing her up against the sign in desk she had been working at. Her face paled and she shakily pointed to a room that was next to the one you came out of. You quietly thanked her backing away and quickly slipped into his room. Your hands flew to your mouth when you saw what state he was in, he was covered in blood a long bandage ran down his face and chest, he had another bandage on his shoulder and one where Chewbacca had shot him on his side. This is what you had felt, you didn’t even know your bond had got that strong. Without thinking you touched his arm, almost instantly you were pulled into a vortex of memories, anguished emotions, conflict, you could feel it dragging at you and there in the middle was this...Rey. She stood holding a blue lightsaber, she had done this to Kylo. You pulled your hand away and stumbled slightly as you returned to yourself. You had never wanted to kill someone as much as her, to actually end their life. You marched out of the medbay, there was only one person who could help you with this. 

You found General Hux on the bridge of the Supremacy. You took a deep breath before you went in. 

‘What are you doing up here?’ The hostility was instant and you grimaced slightly.

‘I need to see the Supreme Leader.’ Hux snorted. 

‘I see with Kylo Ren on a hospital bed you have no one else to turn to. How pitiful.’ He went to dismiss you but adrenaline flooded through you and you grabbed him in a force choke. The bridge went silent and everybody stopped to watch. You pulled him close to you.

‘I need to see the Supreme Leader. Now.’ You said in an even tone through gritted teeth. You released him and he turned bright red knowing you had just humiliated him in front of the entire bridge. He stood tall, straightened his jacket and clasped his hands behind his back. 

‘Follow me.’ He said curtly. Hux purposely took long strides and you hurried to keep up with him, he was silent in the lift and you didn’t engage with him either, you were too busy worrying about what to say to Snoke. You jumped slightly as the doors opened and Hux marched down the path towards Snoke.

‘General Hux, to what do I owe this...pleasure?’ 

‘Supreme Leader, this one requested to see you.’

‘Ah, child.’ It irked you that he called you that as you weren’t a child, but you didn’t know how old Snoke was, maybe everyone was a child to him. You awkwardly got down on one knee, you weren’t sure if you should but Kylo did every time. ‘Good, good. You may leave us.’ Hux looked a little put out he had been dismissed but he left anyway. Snoke leant forward his eyes boring into you, you went to speak but he cut across you. ‘I see it, in your mind,’ he closed his eyes. ‘The one with the blue saber. You want to kill her.’ His voice rung out around you. ‘Do it....Once Kylo Ren is better you will complete the mission of finding Skywalker and this girl and you will kill them both.’ You nodded. ‘Now go, my apprentice awakes. When he’s been tended to, I want to see him.’

‘Yes Supreme Leader.’ You bowed awkwardly and hurried out of the throne room. You got lost a few times but you finally made your way back to the medbay, you walked into Kylo’s room to find him sitting on the edge of his bed having his dressings changed by a droid. His bare chest glistened with sweat in the harsh lights and you gasped and turned to face the wall. 

‘I am so sorry, but we have orders from the Supreme Leader.’ Kylo didn’t say anything, he just let the droid carry on. You looked up at the ceiling debating whether to leave or not. 

‘You can look at me.’ He sounded slightly annoyed which puzzled you because he hated people seeing his face let alone in a vulnerable position like this. You turned and kept your eyes trained on his face. ‘Well?’ He promoted you. 

‘Oh, right orders, he wants to see you once...this is done.’

‘You went to see him? Alone?’ You blushed slightly. 

‘I er, had to force Hux to help me, to take me up there.’ Kylo grunted softly.

‘I knew you had it in you.’ He got off the bed as the droid finished, his muscles rippled under his pale skin and you couldn’t help raking your eyes over his broad back as he put his tunic back on. He grabbed his mask and you hissed as pain blossomed in your shoulder. He turned to you. ‘Are you injured?’ 

‘No, no I can feel....you....your pain. I can feel your pain.’ Without warning he thumped the bandage on his side and you cried out clutching at yours. ‘I seem to have a lower pain threshold.’ You gasped rubbing the sore area.

‘No you just need to learn to embrace it. Pain makes us stronger. Anger makes us stronger. Use it correctly and you could become unstoppable.’ He put his mask on and you followed him out of the door. 

Kylo knelt stiffly before Snoke.

‘How’s your wound?’ 

‘It’s nothing.’ Said Kylo.

‘The mighty Kylo Ren.’ He sneered. ‘When I found you I saw what all masters live to see, raw untamed power and beyond that something truly special.’ Snoke stood and began to limp towards Kylo who was still kneeling. ‘The potential of your bloodline, a new Vader......now I fear I was mistaken.’ Kylo looked up at Snoke, anger forced him to answer back.

‘I have given everything I have to you, to the dark side.’ 

‘Take that ridiculous thing off.’ Embarrassed Kylo pulled his mask off, he saw you kneeling next to him staring hard at the floor. ‘Yes there it is, you have too much of your father’s heart in you young Solo.’ Kylo’s limbs shook slightly at the mention of Han, the moment when his father fell from that bridge replayed in his mind. 

‘I killed Han Solo,’ he spat. ‘When the moment came I didn’t hesitate.’ He felt something well up inside him and he swallowed to try and keep his emotions in check before Snoke. 

‘And look at you! The deed split your spirit to the bone.’ Snoke placed a long finger on Kylo’s face and dragged it down his bandage. ‘You were unbalanced. Bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber! You failed!’ He bellowed. Kylo got to his feet and pulled his saber out, rage flowed through him but before he could react Snoke shot him with blue lightening from his long fingers. It buzzed through Kylo and he flew backwards landing on his back, forcing the air out of his lungs. As he sat up he heard you coughing. Snoke turned his attention to you as you picked yourself up off the floor. He spread his fingers and shot Kylo again, you cried out as the pain pricked and burned you all over. Snoke started to chuckle which turned to a loud laugh as he limped back to his throne. Kylo went to stand next to you and he watched as you picked yourself up again. ‘It seems I have the greatest weapon in the entire galaxy!’ He spread his hands. ‘You have a bond. I already knew that but I didn’t realise to what extent.’ His ugly face beamed as he stared at you both. ‘Skywalker lives. The seed of the Jedi Order lives.’ He pointed a long finger at Kylo and you both involuntarily tensed. ‘I thought you would be the the one to snuff it out. Alas, you are no Vader. You’re just a child, in a mask. Get out of my sight.’ Kylo didn’t look at Snoke as he spun on his heel and headed back to the lift. His hands clenched and unclenched, the words rung in his mind  _‘a child in a mask_ ’. He looked down at his mask, suddenly he hated it. He hated that he tried to be like his grandfather, he hated the way it looked, he hated what it symbolised and how he had tried to please Snoke. He saw red and without thinking he smashed it against the wall of the lift, again and again until there were only pieces left. The lift stopped and he marched out not really seeing where he was going. He ended up back at his quarters and he shut the door behind him. His breathing was ragged and he could feel everything cascading over him, everywhere he looked all he could see was Han Solo. He clutched his head and closed his eyes. 

‘Leave me alone!’ He cried out. Memories flooded him and he could feel his loss dragging him down into a spiral of torment. He ignited his saber and slashed at the walls. To anyone outside it sounded like he was bellowing with rage, but in fact he was crying with grief. Tears blurred his vision and he dropped his saber, he gasped for air and stumbled back against his table. He felt like he was being spilt in half and he didn’t know how to stop it. 

You ran as fast as you could towards Kylo, you had gone the opposite way after he had destroyed his mask in the lift but this wasn’t just rage, this was different. You let yourself into his quarters and found him standing in the middle of the room, his hands in his hair as his entire body shook. He looked up as you approached him and he bellowed at you to get out, his face was flushed from the force of his shout, he even used the force against you but you pushed through the barrier he tried to create. His eyes were bloodshot and wet as he screamed at you to get away from him but you weren’t afraid. He was falling apart and you were the only one who could help. He fell to his knees staring at his hands, the hands that killed his father, his shoulders heaved violently with the weight of it all. You slowly put your hands over his to disrupt whatever vision he was lost in, you gently snaked them up his arms and pulled him to you in a hug. At first he didn’t respond but then his hands gripped your tunic and he buried his face into your shoulder. As he firmly gripped you all the barriers came down and you were slammed with the full force of what he was feeling, you involuntarily gasped and tears fell freely from your eyes as you mourned like he did. He held you tightly and his fingers dug into your back, you held onto him just as roughly trying not to get swept up and lost in his river of grief. Images flashed through your mind but most of it was just a blur, you tried to steady your breathing and come back to yourself. Slowly his emotions subsided for now but they left such a hole in him. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that for but his grip on you never eased. 

Slowly he pulled away from you, his eyes downcast almost like he couldn’t look you in the face. He released the grip on your clothes and you both stood up. You didn’t know what to say if anything at all, you chewed the inside of your mouth in frustration as you tried to find the right words. He picked up his lightsaber and looked at it in his hands. Suddenly there was a knock at his door and you both flinched.

‘Commander?’ Kylo’s rolled his shoulders before opening the door. ‘Sir we have caught up with the resistance.’ You felt dread roll off Kylo as he acknowledged the information. He went to grab his mask, but clenched his fist as he realised it wasn’t there anymore. You could see his jaw working in annoyance that he couldn’t hide his face. As you strode down the corridor you could feel how uncomfortable he was, people averted their eyes not wanting to look at him but then staring as he was walked away from them. He didn’t like the attention. You boarded the Command ship and it sped you towards the Star destroyers that hung above the resistance secret base. As you walked onto the bridge you could hear General Hux barking orders.

‘Tell Captain Canady to prime his dreadnought, incinerate their base and olbilterate their fleet.’ He looked so pleased with himself as he strode about. 

‘General a resistance ship approaching.’ You looked out the window and saw an x-wing. You instantly knew it was Poe, you could sense it. What was he doing? You moved forward to get closer to the window. Kylo watched you intensely, he could feel your worry for the man in the ship and he hated it. It curled inside of him and made him feel uncomfortable. He felt his face flush and then remembered he didn’t have his mask on. Thankfully everyone was concentrating on the ship and he melded into the shadows unnoticed. 

‘Attention!’ Your heart skipped a beat as you heard Poe’s voice for the first time in a while, you ached for him you missed him that much. ‘This is Commander Poe Dameron of the Republic Fleet. I have an urgent communique for General Hux.’

‘Patch him through.’ Said Hux. ‘This is General Hux of the First Order. The Republic is no more your fleet are rebel scum and criminals, tell your precious princess there will be no terms, there will be no surrender.’ There was silence after Hux’s speech, everyone stared at him but you couldn’t tell if it was out of amusement or not. 

‘Hi I’m holding for General Hux.’ You covered your mouth as you stared out at the tiny ship.  _Poe Dameron you fool,_ you thought to yourself as you tried to keep your composure. 

‘This is Hux, you and your friends are doomed! We will wipe your filth from the galaxy!’ He stepped closer to the console.

‘Ok I’ll hold.’ You could sense Hux’s annoyance and by now everyone knew Poe was playing for time, except Hux. All because he wanted, no needed to get across how doomed they were and how he was going to kill them all.

‘Hello?’ 

‘Hello, yup I’m still here.’ Hux made a noise of frustration.

‘Can you.....can he hear me?!’ The technician nodded vigorously his eyes wide. ‘He can?’

‘Hugs? With an H. Skinny guy. Kinda pasty.’ You snorted loudly and a few of the officers turned to look at you. 

‘I can hear you, can you hear me?’ 

‘Look I can’t hold forever. If you reach him tell him Leia has an urgent message for him.’ The tremor from Kylo across your bond took you by surprise, you turned to look at him hiding in the shadows as he watched the exchange. 

‘I believe he’s tooling you with you sir.’ Said an officer quietly.

‘About his Mother.’ You looked back at the tiny ship wishing you get across to Poe how he had made your day ripping Hux apart like this. Hux finally realised what had happened, his face turned red and contorted with embarrassment.

‘Open fire!!’ He yelled. Suddenly the little ship shot forward and headed for the dreadnought.

‘Poe what are you doing?!’ You whispered to yourself. 

‘He’s going for the dreadnought.’ An Officer relayed.

‘He’s insane,’ said Hux smugly. You watched as a Poe started firing on the large ship, he was taking out the surface cannons you noticed with interest. Hux’s face fell as he saw what was happening. ‘Captain Canady why aren’t you blasting that puny ship?!’

‘That puny ship is too small and at too close range. We need to scramble our fighters.’ Hux started barking orders to get the fighters out there. You saw Kylo slip out and you followed. You caught up with him and pulled on his arm slightly. He slowed but wouldn’t look at you.

‘What’s wrong?’ You asked quietly. 

‘First m....my father. Now I have to deal with my mother.’ 

‘Your mother?’ Your eyes widened as realisation struck you, you’d met her when Han dropped you with the resistance. ‘Leia is your mother.’ You breathed. He nodded. 

‘I need to get in my fighter.’

‘I can come...’

‘No.’ He held a hand out towards you. ‘You need to stay here, I can’t con....concentrate otherwise.’ His brown eyes locked with yours and you could feel he was worried for you, worried you’d get injured or worse, killed. He was hanging on by a thread, the constant battle in him raged you didn’t want to add that. He needed an anchor and you decided that was you. 

‘Ok I will stay here. But come back in one piece.’ You said firmly.

‘I will.’ You watched him take long strides towards the hanger before heading back to the bridge so you could watch what happened.You could see Poe was still going but he was being chased by TIE fighters. You admired his flying, the man had come a long way from the timid boy you once knew. 

‘One surface cannon remains, bring him down!!’ Shouted Hux. Suddenly the auto cannons under the dreadnought fired at the base and you watched it explode in a red and orange fireball. Poe finally took out the last surface cannon and you saw him swing back out into space. 

‘General resistance bombers are approaching the dreadnought.’ All you could do was stand on the bridge and watch the battle before you, the First Order was wiping out the bombers with ease until just one remained. The doors opened the bombs were released. Everyone watched with horror as the ship exploded. The resistance fleet then disappeared into space. Silence fell as everyone started at the debris that floated past. 

‘General, Supreme Leader Snoke is making contact from the ship.’

‘Excellent.’ Hux looked uneasily at everyone around him clasping his hands behind his back, you could see the sweat beading on his brow. ‘I shall take it in my chambers.’ You quickly searched for the button to connect Snoke to the bridge and pushed it with the force. 

‘General Hux.’ The technician’s face paled as he assumed he’d pushed the button by accident. 

‘Ah, good Supreme Lead....’ Hux fell forward onto his face with a sickening crunch and was dragged and spun across the floor. You could see blood pouring from his mouth. You also wondered how powerful Snoke was to manipulate the force over a holocall. 

‘My disappointment in your performance cannot be overstated.’ You smirked slightly, it seemed like Hux was everyone’s punch bag today. 

‘They can’t get away!’ He cried out. ‘We have them tied on the end of a string.’ You frowned, they were gone, through light speed, how could the First Order possibly follow the resistance? 

‘Come to my ship General.’ And then Snoke was gone. Nobody said anything as Hux picked himself up. He said something to another officer before leaving for the Supremacy, you went after him. 

‘I’m coming.’

‘No, the Supreme Leader wants to see me. This was my idea, not yours. Go and simper after Kylo Ren, it’s all you’re good for.’ You rocked back on your heels at the force of his words. You felt frustration boil up inside you, he was right, you had no use whatsoever. You had no title, you weren’t even his apprentice. And if you were it had never been acknowledged. You’d had enough of Snoke today anyway you daren’t go and face him with the mood he was currently in either. You went back to the bridge not knowing what to do with yourself, Kylo was off preparing his ship, Hux was with the Supreme Leader and you didn’t actually know where the Knights were. You stood looking at the stars, caught up with wonder at how beautiful they were. You could see the debris from the dreadnought floating past, which pulled your mind to Poe once again. The boy had got some skills and sass since you’d been apart. How you wished you could speak to him. 

_You really should stop even thinking about him. Look at what he just did! He just exploded one of our most deadly ships. He is with the resistance. There is no way back to him._ Kylo’s voice rang in your head and you felt annoyed that he could read you and have access to your thoughts so easily.

_Get out of my head!_

_I can’t._ You huffed loudly startling the officer next to you who then realised who you were. 

‘Do you have a reason to be up here...?’ He arched his eyebrows emphasising your lack of title, letting everybody know you did not belong here. 

_They’re kicking me out of the bridge._ You began to walk away. 

_Show them you belong_....  You paused at Kylo’s words. That is what the First Order was about, a show strength? Force users were in charge here, Kylo, Snoke. Even Hux answered to them. 

‘Actually,’ you said out loud, the officer looked back at you with a bored expression on his face. You walked slowly back to him as you tapped your lip with your finger thoughtfully. ‘I do have a reason to be up here.’

‘On who’s orders?’ He said dismissively. You reached out with the force grabbing his throat, but you didn’t change position, you stared at him as you lifted him off the ground, you noticed Snoke and Kylo were very physical with the force and it told everyone what they were about to do, but you didn’t need to be you found. He started choking and turning blue, you lowered your eyes to check your nails as you stretched your hand nonchalantly in front of you. 

‘Anyone else?’ You called out as your eyes swept the room. ‘I didn’t think so.’ You said quietly as you dropped the officer in a heap on the floor, you stepped over his spluttering form and went and stood back in front of the large window. 

_I knew you had it in you_.  You smiled slightly at Kylo’s praise. He was right, there was no way back to Poe, so you had to work with what you had right now. Situations changed all the time after all. 


	21. Chapter 21

The ship fell out of lightspeed and much to your surprise you saw the resistance ships ahead of you. 

‘It worked!’ Someone exclaimed. You frowned, as far as you knew you couldn’t track anything through lightspeed? 

‘We have been working on an active tracking device aboard the Supremacy, today is the first time we used it to track through lightspeed. Clearly it worked.’ You nodded a thanks at the officers explanation. You saw TIE fighters pouring out of the star destroyer, you saw Kylo’s ship, it was different to all the others. The ache began in your head as he sped away, but his words stuck with you,  learn to embrace it, pain makes us stronger... you closed your eyes and breathed a few times. It wouldn’t do you any good to lose your new found respect on the bridge. The doors opened behind you and Hux came marching back in with a very pleased look on his face. He stood next to you as he watched the fighters fly towards the resistance. 

‘They’re too far out, we can’t cover them from here.’ He stated. 

‘General, Commander Ren is out there.’ 

Kylo saw an opening in the resistance ship and flew into their hanger blowing up their fighters before they’d even left the main cruiser. As he swung back out again he looked at the front of the resistance ship, he could sense his mother was in there, he had prepared to fire but sensing her made him pause. He didn’t want to kill her. Memories of her kind face tortured him, kissing him goodnight, hugs when he’d hurt himself the love he had felt from her. She was the reason he knew what kindness was, she was also the reason why he’d been sent to Uncle Luke. He still to this day remembered feeling her hesitation, her worry and fear at the growing darkness within him. He moved his thumb off the button, realising he couldn’t do it not with her in there. Suddenly blaster shots came from behind him as the TIE fighters tailing him fired at the ship exploding the window on the bridge. He guided his ship round the debris. She wasn’t dead he knew that, but now he didn’t know what to do, his mind raced as he tried to think, should he save her? Just then Hux came through the comlink. 

‘Ren, the resistance have pulled out of reach. We can’t cover you at this distance. Return to the fleet.’ 

‘ **Fuck**!’ Kylo punched his console but headed back to the fleet, there was nothing he could do. If he saved her now he’d just die with the rest of the resistance. Without a glance back he sped off. 

You waited near the hanger as Kylo landed his ship. He headed towards you his eyes dark, you didn’t say anything to each other but you knew to follow him. He was in turmoil, his jaw was clenched, his fists tensed over and over again as he advanced to his quarters. You both slipped inside, you felt nervous as you didn’t know why you were here really, you just knew that Kylo needed  someone. He threw his gloves on the table. You stood there quietly as he paced up and down, suddenly he spun and punched the wall.

‘Kylo!’ You extended your hand towards him in concern as your other hand spasmed and curled into a tight fist in pain. His face crumbled before you and he shoved his palms into his eyes, his chest heaving as he tried to contain his emotions. ‘What happened?’ You whispered.

‘She alive. Barely but she’s alive. I told them to follow my lead and they shot her!’ He snarled, his black hair covered his face as he hunched over. ‘You...you....make me _feel_........better.’ He breathed. You looked up at him as his hand reached for you, it trembled slightly but his eyes never left yours. Gently his fingertips touched your arm, almost caressing you. You stepped closer to him answering his silent question, his eyes widened slightly like he didn’t expect you to be receptive to him at all. You laid your head on his chest as you wrapped your arms around him tightly. He seemed frozen like he didn’t know how to touch you, you could feel his hesitation and confusion. You relaxed into him letting him know it was ok, he was allowed to touch you. Slowly he copied you and put his arms around you but he was so gentle. You zoned out to his heartbeat and you revelled in how warm he was, it had been such a long time since you’d had any physical contact with anyone, the last person was Poe... Kylo’s arms tensed around you just before he pulled away from you, your arms felt empty and you realised how lonely and devoid of human interaction you actually were. 

‘You’re not the only one who feels that way.’ Said Kylo, his voice was deeper, thick with emotion. 

‘Lonely?’ You asked. He frowned at you not sure how to express what he was saying. 

‘You make me feel  different  I can’t explain it.’ His expression changed, slightly more brooding. ‘But whenever you think of that,  _pilot_ , ’ he spat the word at you vehemently. ‘It makes me want to destroy things.’ 

‘You get jealous?’ You sniggered before you could stop yourself and you clamped your hands over your mouth. For a second he looked wounded but he recovered quickly. 

‘You can leave now.’ He said forcefully before moving quickly into another room and slamming the door behind him. You mentally kicked yourself he was finally opening up to you, this was the most he’d probably ever said to you and you just ruined everything. You stared at the closed door hoping he would come out, Poe was like a brother to you there were no feelings there. Not like when you looked at Kylo, you had never really acknowledged it before but something was stirring in the depths of you. After a while you gave up, you decided to go back to the Supremacy and destroy things in the training grounds. 

Kylo lifted his head as he finally heard your footsteps leaving his quarters. He looked back down at his grandfathers mangled helmet wishing it would give him guidance. He wished he could be just as powerful as Vader, like Snoke wanted. Vader was one of the greatest Siths, feared by many.....but why?

_Love_..... of course everyone knew the story of Anakin and Padmé and their forbidden love, his love for her is what pushed him over fully to the Darkside. The Jedi feared it forbade it and Kylo had never experienced it before.

_She is what you need_...... Kylo nodded in agreement with himself. He did need you and he hadn’t wanted to accept it, until now. 

You spun in midair and guided each knife from your grip to its mark. You’d been at this for well over an hour, the force was flowing freely through you giving you strength. You felt a tremor and you knew he had entered the training grounds. You lit your saber as he approached you and spun it in your grasp. He shrugged his cloak off and unclipped his saber as he stared at you intently. You could feel his confusion but with a spin of his wrist his lightsaber clicked on crackling and buzzing angrily, with a yell you rushed him and the force of your attack took him by surprise but he recovered quickly. You traded fast furious blows and sparks flew as the lightsabers clashed. Kylo bared his teeth as you locked your saber into his hilt. ‘You’ve got that look in your eyes, from the force.’ His eyes roamed over your face taking you all in. He was so close, you could see the scar on his face it was long and deep it made him look more frightening, his dark brown eyes reflected the red of your crossed lightsabers. You pulled the force into you and pushed him away, you were shaken by how drawn to him you felt. You weren’t sure what made you draw your lightsaber, maybe it was to keep distance between you, an attempt at manifesting a physical barrier between you. 

‘Shouldn’t you be on the bridge?’ You said lowering your weapons hoping he would leave. 

‘We’ve got a few hours at least.’ He sheathed his lightsaber and stepped towards you, he towered over you and it irked you to look up at his face. You could feel the tension coming off of him in waves, he seemed hesitant in his actions but sure of himself at the same time. He reached out and brushed his fingertips along your forearm, the touch made goosebumps appear on your skin. 

‘What shall we do in those few hours?’ You were surprised by how your voice sounded, almost raspy and you felt a heat grow inside of you. Your eyes were involuntarily drawn to Kylo’s. Your heartbeat quickened and you felt a wave of....desire. He didn’t answer you but his lips parted slightly as he dipped his head towards you his warm breath tickling your skin sending shivers through your body. Suddenly the door crashed open and a Trooper marched in. 

‘Commander the first resist...... _aargh_!’ Kylo’s face changed to one of absolute fury as he spun and force chocked the Trooper, he pushed him back out of the door and force slammed it shut. He turned back to you but you were gone.

You ran, you felt confused you didn’t understand what these feelings meant. You wanted him to touch you, more than anyone else in the galaxy but you had never.... you shook your head to try and clear your mind. You didn’t even see where you were going but somehow you ended up on the bridge. You could see debris floating around and only two ships remained. The First Order was closing in. You heard footsteps behind you, slow and steady as they approached, you closed your eyes briefly. It felt like each step left an imprint on you, he stopped next to you his face blank. An officer sidled up to Kylo pointing out information on his data pad. As you watched the closest ship faltered and star destroyer below blasted it to pieces without hesitation. The entire resistance was on that last cruiser. Poe was on that cruiser. You felt helpless watching this all unfold before you.

‘Commander, the Supreme Leader has requested you.’ The officer looked at you. ‘Both of you.’ A sense of dread settled on you. Everything was about to change, you could feel it in your bones. The lift doors closed and Kylo looked down at you. 

‘You feel it to.’ You knew what he meant. The tension between you was strong, being alone with him, this close to him, you could feel it curling round your insides as it snaked across your bond. 

‘Everything is about to change.’ You whispered as you looked up into his brown eyes. Without hesitation he ducked down and kissed you, his hands cupped your face gently and you melted into his embrace. Sparks flew over your skin as he deepened the kiss, his tongue darting into your mouth, claiming you as his lips gently caressed yours. And then it was over, the lift doors opened and he left you reeling as you followed him out of the lift. 

Snoke beamed as you both strode towards him. 

‘My apprentice and his.....apprentice.’ His voice slithered around the room and you had to work to keep your expression blank. ‘We have her, the girl.’ A guard stepped forward and for the first time you noticed Rey hung from his grasp. You had had a taste of Snoke’s power before, she looked like he had taken everything from her. ‘Skywalker is on Ahch-To. He’s been hiding there all this time. We shall give him the death he so desperately desires.’

‘You will not get near him!’ Rey gasped. ‘He will kill you.’ Snoke chuckled and shot her with his blue lightening eliciting a scream from her. 

‘We have the resistance in our grasp and Skywalker in our sights. I will kill him.’ Kylo’s head snapped up. 

‘Skywalker is mine.’ Snoke’s face turned to one of rage and he shot Kylo with lightening striking him over and over again. You could feel the fire in your veins and you stumbled under the onslaught. Rey saw your reaction and her eyes widened. 

‘ _You_! I have had enough of your disobedience! You are  _my_ apprentice you answer to  _me_!’  You grunted trying to rise from the ground but your limbs shook violently, you could hear Kylo trying not to cry out but the pain was exploding all over him bouncing between you both. You couldn’t take anymore, anger spiked as you managed to stand up, you pulled your lightsaber out and it flashed on, you charged for Snoke but just at the last moment he turned to you and flicked you away with the force. You landed harshly and you cried out as your head smacked down on the smooth floor. You heard a roar from Kylo as he saw your crumpled form on the floor. ‘There it is...’ said Snoke triumphantly. Kylo flung Rey’s lightsaber to her and you saw the blue blade ignite in her hand and she slashed the guard that held her. Kylo rolled away from Snoke and in one fluid movement he threw his saber igniting it at the last second and it pierced Snoke’s side. He crumpled with a thud onto the floor, the guards sprung to action and all you could see were the sparks flying off their weapons. Someone grabbed your tunic and lifted you slightly off the floor, you felt a cold blade at your throat. 

_Kylo_... you whispered across your bond, images flashed before you but the most recent one, the kiss was at the forefront of your mind, the way he made you feel you hoped he could sense what you were trying to say. You closed your eyes accepting what was going to happen. 


	22. Chapter 22

It happened in slow motion for Kylo, he saw you flung across the room and he heard you cry out and the sickening smack as your head hit the hard floor. Pain blossomed at the back of his head and he saw red, the force flooded him and he roared with pure wrath, he pushed the spare saber towards Rey making her a target, he rolled away from Snoke threw his lightsaber like a knife igniting it at the last second. It pierced Snoke’s side and his face fell slack with surprise before he crumpled to the floor. A loud rushing sound was ringing in Kylo’s ears, he grabbed his saber and fought off the guards coming to attack him. He ducked and darted, a few fell to his blade but he found himself stuck, his blade locked in with two weapons from the guards. 

_Kylo_... it was barely a whisper but he heard it. He saw your memory of the kiss, how you melted into him, the feelings consumed him and his arms shook from the intensity of it. He looked over and saw the Praetorian guard straddling your body, the blade at your neck. 

‘No...’ comprehension struck him as he realised he couldn’t lose you too. The force gathered inside him and he could feel the pressure building like he was a bomb about to go off. He gritted his teeth and sent the gathered force out in waves, it exploded out of him with such potency that everything and everyone was blown away from him to the edges of the room, a low hum vibrated around him. He stood still for a second as everything settled, not believing what he had done that he had even been capable of it. He ran to your side, you had passed out and he hoped he hadn’t made your condition worse. He looked around for someone to help him but there was no one left. Suddenly the lift door opened and General Hux strode in, he stumbled as he saw the devastation before him. 

‘What...h...happened?!’ He spluttered. 

‘The girl, she attacked Snoke, attacked us all. We need to get Y/N to the medbay, now.’ 

‘You don’t give me orders Ren. We have no leader! The Supreme Leader is dead!’ Kylo curled the force around Hux’s throat. 

‘I am Supreme Leader now. Now get her to the medbay.’ Hux took in a deep breath as Kylo released him and called some troopers who were waiting in the lift, they lifted you off the floor. Kylo watched as you were taken away from him. 

‘Supreme Leader,’ spat Hux. ‘The last resistance ship is being evacuated to a rebel base on Crait.’ 

‘Fire on the transports.’ Kylo looked down at Rey on the floor, there was no sign of life in her body. Slowly he bent down and pulled the saber she had been using out of her cold hand. It was his Uncles and his grandfathers before that. He gripped it tightly, amazed it had finally made its way to him. 

‘Yes Supreme Leader.’ 

‘General Hux, let’s finish this.’ Hux nodded before heading back to the bridge. Kylo desperately wanted to go to your side, but he couldn’t. He had to complete the attack. He could feel you were alive and that would have to do for now. 

As Kylo and Hux made their way onto the bridge the large cruiser was turning towards the Supremacy. 

‘FIRE ON THAT CRUSIER!’ Screamed Hux, Kylo’s heart jumped into his mouth as the ship went into lightspeed ripping through the Supremacy and destroying the smaller ships in its wake. People were screaming, the whole ship tilted, alarms were going off. Hux began to direct the evacuation, Kylo slipped away. He had to get to you, he had to get you off this ship. He ran as fast as he could, sometimes running on the walls as the ship titled more and more. The medbay was in chaos but Kylo didn’t care about anyone else. He found you strapped to a bed. 

‘Commander what are you doing?’ 

‘I am taking her with me, on my ship.’ He said.

‘She can’t be moved!’ Exclaimed the nurse.

‘So I leave her here to die?!’ He growled.

‘She needs medical attention.’ He lifted you off the bed, and planted his feet squarely as the floor moved. 

‘Then come with us. But my ship will be leaving as soon as I get on it.’ Her eyes widened and she ran off to grab a bag, she caught him up red faced and huffing from running after him. They walked onto the Command shuttle and Kylo gently laid you on some seats. The pilot was already in place.

‘Let’s go.’ Said Kylo.

‘Wait!!’ Kylo rolled his eyes as Hux scrambled aboard. ‘You said we need to finish this Supreme Leader.’ Everyone in the cabin stiffened at the mention of Kylo’s new title. 

‘I did, now let’s go before we all die.’ As the shuttle sped away from the larger ship Kylo could see the destruction with his own eyes. The whole ship had been torn in two, much like Snoke had been, space was littered with the ships rubble and the pilot had to do some evasive flying to get them out of it unharmed. Hux saw Kylo looking behind him and noticed your still body on the seats. 

‘Did you have to bring her? Surely she needs a bed?’ He whispered furiously. Kylo glared at him and pointed out the window. 

‘Do you see that ship? Do you see what happened? If I left her she would have died.’ 

‘And yet you left countless others on there to perish.’ He hissed in Kylo’s ear. Kylo felt the rage build up inside him, nobody knew what you meant to him, nobody knew the connection you had. If you died a piece of him died as well. 

‘It was a decision I had to make.’ He rumbled. Hux watched as the nurse applied some bacta to your wounds. ‘Did you call for reinforcements?’ 

‘Yes Supreme Leader. At least one of us was thinking about the fight ahead.’ Kylo huffed, he deserved that, he thought. The Command shuttle made its way down to the planet, Kylo could see the battering ram cannon was being lowered onto the ground and the AT-ATs were getting into position. 

‘Do we know what size force is in the mine?’ Kylo asked quietly. 

‘Only a few transports made it as far as I’m aware.’ Replied Hux. Kylo absorbed the information, clearly his mother had made it, he could feel her signature aura. He took a deep breath in and prepared himself for what was to come. 

You groaned, your head pounded and you ached all over.

‘Please lay still.’

‘Oh stars, where am I?’ You had expected to see the red walls of Snoke’s ghastly throne room but instead you were looking at the black walls of Kylo’s command shuttle. ‘Why am I here?’

‘There was an....accident? I’m not really sure how to explain it but the Supreme Leader he saved you.’ You slowly turned your head to look at the nurse next to you. Fear spiked in you at the mention of Snoke.

‘Why would  he  save me?’ 

‘The Supreme Leader was very insistent he even came and got you from the medbay himself.’ You frowned, that didn’t sound like Snoke. Finally your brain engaged and you remembered through the fog Kylo had stabbed Snoke. So had Kylo claimed the title now? You looked around noticing how quiet everything was. 

‘What’s happening?’ 

‘The resistance are in the mine, the cannon just broke the big door.’ The nurse blurted out. You didn’t understand any of it, you slowly got to your feet and stood behind the pilot. The shuttle had landed on the ground, you could see the massive hole that had been blasted through the door, the light craft that littered the ground but what caught your eye was Kylo. He stood on the planets surface facing a single man. Hux tutted loudly as he watched the exchange below seemly bored with what was happening. You could feel the vibrations coming off Kylo, the hatred it slithered across your bond coiling around your insides. The force signature that radiated off this man was immense you could feel it’s warm glow against your own. 

‘Why aren’t we advancing?’ You asked Hux, he stared incredulously at you. 

‘We are doing what the Supreme Leader deems fit. I thought you were injured?’ 

‘I am but the nurse is good.’ As you watched Kylo shed his cloak and took a fighting stance. The other man dodged Kylo’s attacks, you looked intently at the ground and saw as Kylo slid over it he left long red gauges in the dirt but his opponent didn’t. You reached out to tell Kylo but you were blocked, the aura of this other person was so immense, you could feel tendrils of it reaching out you. You backed away trying to stop them from reaching you but it was impossible, you braved yourself for pain but instead all you felt was warmth and then it was gone. You heard Kylo yell and you were bombarded with his rage, frustration, confusion, disappointment and the solid realisation that he had failed. 

Kylo marched towards the mine his uncles voice going round and round in his mind ‘ _I am not the last Jedi....I’ll always be with you.....just like your father.....see ya around kid....’_ Kylo held a hand to stop the troopers from following him into a small room he could feel Hux’s eyes on him as he went round the corner. Kylo paused out of a sight and took a deep breath but it didn’t help, his emotions raged inside of him clashing together in confusion and he could feel the tightness in his chest beginning as his breathing became laboured. The last time he had seen his Uncle had been back at the Jedi Temple. Kylo had sensed a presence and woken up to find Luke standing over him with his lightsaber, ready to kill him. The memory replayed in his mind and Kylo remembered his fear in that single moment, the realisation that his own Uncle would be willing to end his life because he sensed a darkness growing in him. A darkness Kylo had tried to fight to contain, a darkness that Kylo had pushed away from the moment he knew what it was. But it hadn’t been good enough and Luke, the almighty _Jedi_ Master saw the only way to help was to end his own nephew’s life. Kylo looked up at the ceiling as he tried to gather himself together but these feelings the memories were threatening to break him. And then you were there, the warmth of your aura seeped into his chasing away his nightmares as you gently laid a comforting hand on his arm. The tightness in his chest eased and for a brief moment his emotions calmed as he looked at you. 

‘You’re alive.’ He murmured softly. You smirked your eyes sparkling as you looked up at him. 

‘You already knew that  _Supreme Leader._ ’ You replied . He hummed at your response and looked back at the floor. 

You walked around the room picking up things and looking at them, brushing your fingers along their old machines, it was clear they’d left in a hurry. You headed back to where he was standing, you could tell he felt like the wall was supporting him and if he left it he would crumble in front of everyone. His torment battered against you, he was beating himself up he’d failed he had let personal goals get in the way of the bigger picture allowing the resistance to escape. You didn’t know how to make him feel better and you wanted nothing more than to wrap your arms around him but you were both under the watchful eye of Hux now more than ever. You walked to the entrance of the room and informed the Troopers there was nothing there and to return to their transports. 

‘They don’t take orders from  you !’ Sneered Hux as he stalked towards you. 

‘Well they should listen to their Commander.’ Everyone snapped to attention as Kylo appeared in the doorway behind you except Hux, who’s eyes bulged as he tried to contain himself in the presence of the new Supreme Leader and his sudden announcement. You felt pride wash over you that he put so much trust in you and finally you had a place, you belonged. 

‘Don’t you think this should be discussed with High Command?’ Asked Hux, his tone short and clipped with anger. Kylo brushed past you and you all fell into step with him. 

‘She is my apprentice as I was Snoke’s, she is a force user it’s always the way.’ Your step faltered slightly at his words, he didn’t find you capable, it was just the way of things because you were another force user. If he sensed your disappointment and hurt at his words he didn’t acknowledge it. You all boarded the command shuttle and headed back to the fleet. As soon as the ramp was lowered you stalked off to the training grounds, they weren’t as impressive as they were on the Supremacy but they would do. You found the Knights here already. They were all attacking each other with training weapons, ones that bruised you rather than cut you. 

‘You boys down grading today?’ You called as you shed your cloak. Trudgen grinned at you widely.

‘Hey it’s the new Commander!’ His voice rang out loudly. You rolled your eyes. News travelled fast. 

‘No I’m not, I just have a title because it suits Kylo to have an apprentice at his side. I doubt he will actually train me properly.’ Ap’lek looked over at you.

‘You know he doesn’t really know what to do with you.’ You grabbed a training stick.

‘What do you mean?’ Vicrul answered you this time.

‘He told us how powerful you are, you could even match him for power and we think he is worried.’ 

‘About training me?’ Kuruk looked at you.

‘The Supreme Leader is a very anger driven man, anger focuses him it gives him strength. You are not.’ You gave the stick a few test swings and watched Cardo and Ushar trade blows before speaking up again.

‘I think anger drives me.’ Trudgen sniggered.

‘Baby girl, you are not an angry person, you  get  angry but it doesn’t drive you. That’s not where your strength lies.’ 

‘Is it true you can use the force without gesturing?’ Kuruk asked.

‘Well, I have done.’ All their eyes turned to you. 

‘Show us.’ Said Ap’lek. Their curiosity surrounded you like a cloud as they gathered before you. 

‘Um, what shall I do?’ 

‘Lift something.’ You shrugged that was easy enough. You looked at the cloak you’d abandoned and effortlessly lifted it in the air, it was a minor challenge but the force thrummed through you, the tiny hairs all over your body stood on end. 

‘That looked easy,’ said Cardo. ‘Stop me from charging at you.’ You looked at the huge man and nodded. You weren’t sure but you’d give it a go. You all waited as he walked to the end of the training floor, he turned and started running towards you. You stared intently at him, gathering the force in front of you, the other Knights were jeering him on when suddenly everything slowed down for you. Cardo was almost on top of you when you felt the force gather around you, it spun so fast you could almost see it. It created a vortex around you, whipping your hair about your face, you closed your eyes fearing you couldn’t contain this pressure anymore you released it in one go. It blasted outwards knocking all the Knights over and blasting Cardo backwards. You gasped in a deep breath like you’d been under water for a while and opened your eyes. 

‘Wow weeee!’ Exclaimed Trudgen as he sat up, Ushar and Ap’lek helped Cardo off the floor. Vicrul and Kuruk openly stared at you. ‘Now that’s what I’m talking about!’ 

‘Is anyone hurt? I’m so sorry I didn’t expect that to happen.’ Vicrul chuckled.

‘Neither did we, but I am damn impressed.’ The door opened and Kylo stepped in, he looked around at you and his disheveled Knights.

‘What happened?’ Ap’lek patted Cardo on the shoulder as he turned to Kylo.

‘Your new Commander has some hidden talents.’ Kylo frowned slightly as he approached the group.

‘She just took us all out in one go.’ Said Trudgen. You could feel the blush creeping up your face. 

‘It was an accident, I was only meant to stop Cardo.’ Kylo slammed his hand down on the table the sound of it echoed in the nearly empty room and all the Knights stilled.

‘She is not a toy.’ He said quietly, his voice laced with fury, you could feel it pulsing off of him in waves. Your mouth opened before you could stop yourself.

‘They wanted to see what I could do which is more than I can say for you. You’re supposed to be teaching me, all you do is avoid me, I gave up everything,  _everything_ to be here with you, and all I get is.....whatever  _this_ is!’ You could feel the tears pricking your eyes but you refused to let them fall. Kylo glared at you, his expression turned dark as he stepped toward you, his aura suffocating yours. 

‘I did not ask you to be here. If you think you belong elsewhere,’ he stepped aside and pointed. ‘You know where the door is.’ You grabbed your cloak and headed to the door without looking back. 

‘Ren do you think that’s a good idea?’ You heard Ushar hiss at him. 

‘There’s a ship waiting in the hanger.’ Called Kylo solidifying the plan that began to form in your mind. Maybe you did belong somewhere else. Maybe you had all along. 

Kylo watched you walk away, his anger already abating as he realised what he’d said to you. 

‘What are you doing?’ Asked Trudgen. Kylo didn’t know, but he was fully relying on you not being able to cope with the distance between you. The further you got the more the painful it would be, for both of you. 

‘She won’t get far.’ He shed his cloak. ‘Now let’s get some training in before my meeting with High Command.’ 

There was indeed a ship waiting for you in the hanger, the Trooper nodded curtly at you as you boarded. It had been a while since you had flown anything but you managed to start up the engines and head out into space. As you sped off you really had no idea where you were meant to be going. You turned your ship around to see the First Order fleet glide away, the fuzziness in your mind started followed by searing pain as Kylo got further and further away. It stabbed violently behind your eyes but you refused to let it win, let him win. You ground your teeth harshly as you tried to keep your eyes open, you became clammy and you could feel yourself losing consciousness. Darkness enveloped you as you slumped over the control panel, maybe he’d come back and get you......


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW 18+ Please read the tags! Reader has an experience with Poe. I hope I did it justice to be honest! Also we have alcohol use in this chapter! Nothing drastic but it’s there.

As you could feel yourself waking up you realised you were somewhere new, it felt different the people felt different. You stiffened as you heard people speaking, you struggled to bring yourself to full consciousness, the pain still rattled around your mind but it was so much weaker than it had been. Slowly the words being spoken were coming into focus and you listened intently.

‘Why was she floating around out here alone?’

‘I don’t know, from the reports I didn’t think he’d let her out of his sight.’

‘Is it true he’s Supreme Leader now?’

‘Yeah, not sure what difference that will make, he’s still a monster.’ Your eyes nearly flew open as you heard his voice, his rich tones dripped with revulsion as he spoke about Kylo.

‘Do you think she escaped?’ 

‘She must have, I knew she was trapped, I knew they were making her do stuff she didn’t want to do.’ You heard footsteps as they slowly headed towards you. 

‘Is it a good idea to take her back to base, what if she’s a spy?’ Whispered another voice, you recognised it as the ex trooper.

‘I’ll vouch for her.’ Said Poe. ‘I’d trust her with my life. Besides our spy told us where to find her didn’t he?’ Your heart sung at his words it was all you’d wanted to hear from him. You groaned, trying to make out you hadn’t been listening to their conversation. You felt a warm hand on yours, you slowly opened your eyes and his face came into view. 

‘Poe?’ You blinked trying to focus your eyes. ‘ _Poe_ ...?!’

‘Hi.’ A genuine sob ripped your throat and you launched yourself at him, his arms wrapped themselves around you. You couldn’t help the tears as they fell, your shoulders shaking with relief. ‘Hey what’s this? Tears?’ He tried to pull you off him so he could see your face. ‘Hey hey, come on.’ His thumb wiped the tears gently from your cheeks as he studied your face. You looked at him, noticing he’d aged, his brown eyes seemed wiser, he had stubble, his hair had grown and had a lovely wave to it. 

‘You grew up...’ you whispered with a slight smile as you flicked a bit of hair as it draped over his forehead.

‘So did you.’ He gently tucked some hair behind your ear and you leaned into his hand. His aura was just how you remembered but more intense, warmer more comforting. Maybe because you were more attuned to your power you sensed more now. 

‘I hate to break up this little reunion but we’re almost back at base.’ You looked up at the ex trooper, you could feel the suspicion rolling off him as he avoided your gaze. 

‘Tell Chewie to take us down, do you need to go to the medbay?’ Poe asked you. You shook your head, you felt surprisingly alright. You had wondered if your bond with Kylo would render you useless but it seemed your suspicions were right and once you got far enough away it didn’t bother you so much. ‘Ok, well we’re probably going to have to take you straight to Leia.’ He stood and held a hand out which you took and he pulled you up gently. ‘You’re essentially our prisoner, for now.’ His face fell and you could tell it hurt him to say those words. 

‘I’m just happy to see you.’ He smiled softly. As he turned away you tugged on his hand and he looked inquisitively back at you. ‘I need to say I’m sorry, for what happened.’ You closed your eyes as the pain of that memory rose to the surface. ‘Oh stars I’m so sorry!’ He grabbed you and held you close his hand on the back of your head holding you to his chest just like he used to do. 

‘I forgive you. It wasn’t your fault.’

‘Oh Poe,’ your voice broke as you cried into his chest. 

‘Poe we’re here.’ He pulled you off him and wiped your face. 

‘Dry those tears. You don’t want them to see you like this.’ He looked at your face and tucked your hair behind your ear again. ‘I will not leave your side ok?’ You nodded and took a deep breath. The ramp lowered and the first thing you saw was about 10 blasters pointed at you. ‘Hey hey put those down!’ Shouted Poe. ‘That’s an  _order_.’  You could feel the hostility rolling off them as they slowly lowered their weapons, but all you could concentrate on was the lady coming towards you, her aura had a familiar feel to it and it was immense, she looked older than what you remembered but she stood tall and her presence commanded respect. You could now see where Kylo got his regal feel from. Your heart twinged at the thought of him but you pushed it away. She stopped in front of you and smiled slightly. Her eyes shifted to Poe.

‘Commander.’ 

‘General, we found her floating on her own, abandoned.’ 

‘In this I presume?’ She gestured to the TIE fighter that the Falcon had towed all the way here, wherever here was.

‘Yes, just left out in space.’ He repeated. She sighed slightly but her expression had a hint of amusement about it.

‘You’re all dismissed, I’d like to talk to Y/N on my own. You too Commander.’ Leia began to walk away and you started to follow her. 

‘Am I dismissed General? Or am I coming too? Leia?!’ You made a worried face at him. 

‘If you have to ask Commander then you already know the answer!’ She called over her shoulder. 

‘ _Damnit_!’ Poe made a fist and punched the air, you felt nervous being alone with her, you had only been introduced to her before you never spent any time together. She lead you into a small room and beckoned for you to sit down. You went to unclip your saber and realised it wasn’t there. 

‘Ah yes, they probably took that off you when they found you.’ 

‘I don’t need it anyway.’ She nodded at you. 

‘So tell me, what’s he like?’ You stared at her, your mind went numb as you registered who she was talking about. ‘What happened with Snoke?’ Your mind instantly went to the kiss in the lift and you began to blush. You felt flustered and confused this was his mother! You tried to speak but your voice wouldn’t work, you coughed and tried to get a grasp on yourself. 

‘He is  _really_ tall.’ She blinked surprisingly at you before she started to chuckle.

‘Yes, yes he is, got that from his.....’ she paused and you felt her pain. 

‘I couldn’t stop him, Han. He just charged after Kylo.’ You looked at your hands. ‘He offered me a way out. He offered to bring me back to the resistance. He offered the same to Kylo.’ 

‘He did?’ You nodded. ‘That’s my Han. Were you there? When....when it happened?’ 

‘I wasn’t, but I saw it.’ Leia frowned at you. ‘I share a bond with Kylo when he feels particularly charged I can see what he is experiencing.’ Understanding dawned on Leia’s face. 

‘That must be all the time then?’ You grimaced.

‘It’s a lot of the time yes, his emotions are hard work.’

‘He was always hardwork.’ You both sat in silence listening to the distant sounds of the base. ‘Can we trust you?’ She asked suddenly. 

‘I’m not going to go around murdering people if that’s what you mean.’ 

‘You’re a strong force user I can feel it, but Poe seems to vouch for you even after...what you did.’ Your face fell as that old wound reopened again. 

‘I will never forgive myself for that.’ She eyed you thoughtfully before asking another question. 

‘You were there, on Crait?’

‘Not for much of it, I was injured in the battle with Snoke. Then the Supremacy was destroyed and Kylo got me out of there.‘ Leia was silent for a few beats.

‘He never lets anyone call him just Kylo.’ You were pulled out of your musings as you registered what she said. ‘Have you called him Kylo to his face?’ 

‘Well, what else would I call him?’ You asked puzzled. 

‘He’s killed people for less.’ She stood up and walked to the door. ‘Commander.’ Poe popped his head round the doorframe eyeing you both, he had clearly been hovering around close by.

‘We ok in here? Everyone ok?’ 

‘We are fine Poe. Escort her to a room.’ 

‘Yes General.’ You rose as you went to leave, Leia placed a hand on your arm.

‘You’re safe here, but they won’t be too friendly.’ 

‘I understand.’ Poe gently put a hand on your lower back as he lead you away. You couldn’t help but get caught up in his excitement to finally have you here with him again, he showed you where to get food and then he took you to a small room with a bed some storage and a bathroom. 

‘It’s not what you’re probably used to, the First Order have all the fancy gadgets.’ 

‘It’s perfect.’ 

‘Oh tonight we are having a bit of a get together, you gonna join us?’ You hesitated and bit your lower lip, you’d love to join but like Leia said they might not be too friendly. 

‘Oh I don’t know.’ 

‘Come on, I’ll come and get you later, we managed to intercept some supplies for the First Order, one contained some old Alderaan wine. Ah, bet they’re missing that.’ 

‘Sure, come and get me sounds fun.’ Poe’s eyes danced as he shut the door, you smiled to yourself, you were so happy to be back with him. 

Darkness had fallen on the planet when Poe knocked on your door, you had found some linen clothes in the draws and it helped with the heat. 

‘Ok you look like one of us that will help,’ he said eying you up and down. ‘Come on I haven’t had a drink in ages!’ You could feel the awkwardness rising, he was so much more travelled than you now, you’d never had an alcoholic drink before but you didn’t want to tell Poe that. You didn’t want him to think you were still that awkward girl that he knew before all this kicked off. You could hear laughter before you saw anyone, as you rounded the corner all the heads turned to look at you and your step faulted under their scrutiny. ‘As you were!’ Yelled Poe to everyone as he sat you down between him and the ex trooper. 

‘Eat this.’ You looked at him and eyed the food he was offering you. ‘Did they give you wine on the star destroyer?’ 

‘No.’ 

‘Right, then eat this first. I’m Finn by the way.’ 

‘Hi I’m Y/N.’ 

‘I was there when they brought you onboard. It always puzzled me why you would just give yourself up like that.’ Your stomach did a somersault at his words as you remembered exactly why you gave yourself up that easily. You were just drawn to  him.

‘Hey,’ interrupted Poe. ‘Come on now, no more talk, we’re celebrating, let’s drink!’ You chewed thoughtfully on the bread Finn had given you and stared into the flames of the fire in the middle of the group. The connection with Kylo was near enough non existent right now, and yet he still clouded your thoughts. A cup was shoved in your hand as Poe served the wine out, you took a tentative sip. The liquid warmed your throat and pooled in your belly, it’s sweetness made your tongue come alive and you gulped some more down before holding your cup out to Poe.

‘Slow down, we’ve got all night,’ he said as he winked at you. Your smile was wide and you felt jovial as the wine seemed to numb your emotions. You weren’t sure how long you sat there just listening to the banter around the group, you enjoyed listening to Poe, he was so happy here and it made you happy. Hearing his laugh again it made you think that really you had made the wrong choice all along. You leaned on him, the wine taking its toll on you, your eyes felt heavy and your limbs felt like they were going numb. He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close, the smell of him filled your nose and you planted your face in his neck.

‘You smell so _fucking_ good,’ you slurred. 

‘Whoa, hey ok, let’s get you to bed.’ You nodded in agreement.

‘I can’t — I can’t move.’ You frowned. 

‘Fuck, how much did you have? Finn help me get her up.’ 

‘Oops.’ You whispered as the men managed to get you to stand, Poe wrapped an arm around your waist as you took some wobbly steps.

‘Ok, ok I got her, night guys!’ He called over his shoulder and got a chorus of good nights back. ‘Ok this way.’ He opened your door and you both managed to get inside, your legs felt like jelly and you slid to the floor and started laughing. Poe tried to contain his laughter but he couldn’t. ‘Oh stars, if I knew you were this funny I’d have got you drunk before!’ 

‘We didn’t have this wine, back on our planet,’ you mumbled. Poe pulled you up but you stumbled falling against his chest. He steadied you holding you tightly in his arms. 

‘You never call it home.’ He said softly. You squinted up at him. 

‘You are my home.’ As you stared into his molten brown eyes you realised how lonely you had been. Yes you had been around people, spoken with people , trained with people and you’d never been  physically alone. But that’s never enough. Being separated from Poe had been really hard to come to terms with in those first few weeks. The connection with Kylo had helped but he never fully embraced it, so you were still  alone , forever feeling like you didn’t belong. An outsider. But here now you’d never felt like you belonged with anyone more than Poe. ‘You’ve always been my home.’ Poe stilled as he held you, his brown eyes smouldering as he put a hand on your cheek. Your heart rate quickened as the atmosphere changed around you. You could feel the hesitation in him, he went to move away but you caught his arm, the thought of being on your own made you panic slightly. Feelings were coursing through you that you didn’t understand, a heat was growing between your legs you and wanted him to touch you, you wanted his lips on yours but you didn’t know how to articulate that to him. 

‘Poe.....’ you whispered. ‘I’ve missed you.’ 

‘And I’ve missed you. You should get some rest.’ Your grip tightened on his arm.

‘Don’t leave me.’ You whined slightly. He seemed to be fighting with himself as he looked down at the floor chewing his bottom lip.

‘I am just down the hallway.’ His voice cracked as he spoke.

‘Poe, please don’t leave me.’ You trembled slightly as you realised how cold it was. Slowly Poe slid his arms around you and you both sunk onto the edge of the bed, you rested your head on his shoulder and sighed. The room wasn’t spinning so much now and you concentrated on how tight Poe was holding you. You looked up at him and his eyes magnetised to yours, he was so close, his nose bumped yours and you reached up and gently pressed your lips against his. You felt him tense against you but he didn’t pull away, he deepened the kiss and you opened your mouth letting him in. He pulled away sharply his eyes black as he looked at you. He grabbed your face and kissed you again but this time it was different, it was rough, one hand was on the back of your head the other pulled you closer to him at the waist, you weaved one of your hands through his hair as you kissed him hungrily back. The feeling inside you bloomed, you’d never felt anything like it before and you gasped. Poe started kissing your neck and you shivered as they sent little bolts down into your core. He kissed your ear his breathing ragged as he leaned against you. 

‘Tell me you want this. Tell me you want me.’ 

‘Yes, yes I want you.’ You gasped. You didn’t really know what he was asking you just knew you wanted him to touch you anywhere and everywhere. He yanked his shirt off and your hands went straight to his tanned chest, he’d always been muscular but he had more definition now. He sat there as your hands explored his shoulders and back, he kissed you gently and went to tug your top off, at first you hesitated, but inhibition took over and you let him take the top. He gently kissed your neck eliciting a groan from you. Your eyes flew open as you realised you’d never made that noise before, but then you’d never felt like this before. Poe pushed your shoulders so you were flat on the bed and he began to shimmy your trousers down, he threw them away and you blushed as his eyes hungrily raked over your body. He kissed you again and the fire in your core burned brighter, his body was laying on top of you and you enjoyed feeling him so close to you, you slid your hands up and down his back. You could feel him shift slightly, one of his hands slid up the inside of your thigh, you tensed slightly your heart racing, you locked eyes as he slowly skimmed the outline of your pants. ‘You can tell me to stop whenever you want.’ He whispered his voice thick with desire. You shook your head.

‘Don’t, don’t stop.’ He slipped a finger under your pants, your eyes widened at the sensation, you groaned and rolled your eyes back as he gently circled your clit with his finger. Slowly he dipped that finger inside you and you tensed at the odd feeling. 

‘Relax....’ you relaxed your legs. ‘Have you...done this before?’ Poe halted what he was doing and instantly your body reacted pushing yourself against him. 

‘I — I,’ you widely tried to think of something,anything to say but your brain was in a fog. ‘Er — no.’ You whispered. You felt instant embarrassment and turned your face away from him. ‘If you don’t want to...’ A strong hand came up to your face and he made you look at him.

‘I _want_ to , stars, I have wanted to since we were teenagers, but I need to know if you want me to.’ You looked at him, the face you had known all your life, you felt safe with him. Kylo’s face appeared in your minds eyes but you pushed it away. The alcohol coursed through you making you feel bold. 

‘Yes, yes I want you to.’ He kissed you gently his hand sliding back down feeling how wet you were, he slowly put his finger back in you and you bucked your hips, your eyes closed as you concentrated on the feelings happening to you, Poe curled his finger and you cried out. He groaned his face against your thigh has he carefully pulled his finger in and out of you. You grabbed onto the sheet twisting your hands into it as the sensation started building within you, you started thrusting your hips but Poe rested an arm trying to still you as he kept curling his finger. You arched your back, your mouth open as you gasped for air, your legs began to tremble and your toes curled as the beginnings of your first ever release built up inside you. It happened fast, it washed over you in a wave of ecstasy, you could hear yourself crying out as you pulled the twisted sheets towards you all your muscles tensing in pleasure. Poe withdrew his hand and you hummed as an aftershock rippled through you. 

‘Did you like that?’ He asked as he kissed you, all you could do was nod in return. ‘You want another one?’ He whispered. 

‘Yes yes.’ You whispered eagerly back, Poe slipped his trousers off and you saw his erection as he crawled back onto the bed with you. You grabbed it and he gasped loudly. 

‘Gently.’ He mumbled. You ran your hands all over it, enjoying the little noises he made, dipped your head down and kissed the head to which he gave a loud groan to. 

‘Can I...?’ He nodded vigorously and you slowly kissed it again, you gently took the head in your mouth and he bucked his hips up. You gasped as he filled your mouth too much and you retreated away. 

‘Oh fuck I’m so sorry!’ He sat up his eyes wide with worry, you could see he wanted to reassure you but didn’t know how. ‘If you want to stop....’

‘No.’ You leant forward and kissed him, feeling his stubble on your chin. ‘Don’t stop.’ You mumbled. His arms came back around you and he pulled you on top of him, you could feel his cock twitching against your thigh as his kisses became rougher. Without warning he flipped you over so he was on top, you felt him rub his cock against your entrance and you moaned. He gripped you tightly as he slowly entered you, you could feel him filling you and it hurt for just a moment. 

‘Ah!’ He stilled, and the pain dulled.

‘You ok?’ You nodded and wiggled your hips eliciting an intense gasp from him, he closed his eyes and shuddered. ‘Keep doing that and it will be over before you know it.’ He kissed you again and you just got lost in the feel of his lips, the weight of his body on yours, the heat of his skin and the way it felt when he pulled in and out of you. He was being so careful with you, almost too careful. You ground your hips against him urging him to go faster, and he did, you cried out every time he hit the right spot, the now familiar feeling was building again. Poe raised himself onto his arms as he picked up the pace, he watched you writhe underneath him in pleasure, your toes began to curl and you wrapped your arms around him digging your hands into his back, your legs trembled as you could feel your peak coming closer. Poe’s breathing was laboured and he started losing his rhythm as he came close to his release. He pushed hard inside of you and it tipped you over the edge, you could feel yourself clenching around him as he pumped a few times into you riding out his own release. He lay on top of you as you both tried to catch your breath, your legs were entwined together and you snuggled into his chest. He grabbed the blanket and pulled it over you both. This was the happiest you’d ever felt, you never wanted it to end. 


	24. Chapter 24

When you woke the sunlight streamed through the window and you just watched as the dust particles floated lazily around. You didn’t get to see this on the ships, as there generally wasn’t much sunlight. The sounds of the planet waking up reached you, strange bird and animals calls echoed around the base. You grinned as Poe’s arms circled your waist and he tucked himself in behind you. 

‘Morning.’ He whispered. You turned in his arms.

‘Are you still not a morning person?’ He grunted. ‘That’s a yes.’ You softly ran your fingers through his hair still not believing you were actually here with him. Let alone in bed with him. One eye opened and he peered at you. 

‘Why aren’t you hung over?’ You shrugged. ‘Damn, you put away more than any of us.’ 

‘It was tasty.’ He chuckled and kissed your shoulder.

‘We should shower.’ He mumbled. You sat up, you muscles screamed in protest and your lower abdomen ached. 

‘Ooof.’ Instantly Poe sat up next to you.

‘You ok?’ 

‘Yeah I just ache.’ He slid out of bed.

‘Stay there I’ll run you a bath.’ He grabbed his trousers and headed to the bathroom. You could hear the sound of the water cascading into the bath, you lay back on the pillow and a feeling of serenity washed over you. You could hear the sounds of outside echoing around you and you closed your eyes just enjoying being here.

_‘Supreme Leader.’ Kylo turned to face the voice and you gasped. His hair was disheveled, he had dark circles round his eyes and it looked like he hadn’t slept at all. ‘We have reason to believe she was captured by the resistance.’_

_‘Rebel filth went back to them. Always knew she would.’ Hux said with a curl of his lip. Kylo’s expression didn’t change but you saw the flash in his eyes at Hux’s comment about you._

_‘Send the Knights out to track her down. I want my Commander found.’_

_‘Supreme Leader isn’t there more pressing matters the Knights could attend to?’ Kylo slammed his hand down on the table making all the officers jump._

_‘I want her found!! She is MY apprentice, she has been captured by the enemy, she is too valuable to just leave in their clutches.’_

_‘I agree, we can’t leave a competent force user in the hands of the resistance.’ Said another officer._

_‘If she was that competent wouldn’t she just escape?’ Kylo’s hand shot out in Hux’s direction and blew him backwards with the force._

_‘Y/N....’ the voice sounded far away but Kylo turned to look straight at you, his eyebrows raised in surprise, your heartbeat quickened. ‘Y/N? You ok?’_

You concentrated on Poe’s voice and with a jolt found yourself back in bed on the resistance base, you gasped and grabbed his arms making sure he was really here in front of you. ‘Whoa you ok?’ His browns eyes were wide with worry as you struggled to calm your heart rate and steady your breathing.

‘I saw him! And he  saw  me!’ 

‘Who — who did you see?’

‘Kylo, I...I saw Kylo.’ You saw him, and he looked awful. You’d only been missing one day cycle, or so you assumed anyway. Then you remembered how he had basically cast you out, he didn’t want you really he was just using his new ruler of the galaxy status to find you, find the resistance. Then it dawned on you. Had he used you as bait? Did he know the only other person you’d run to in this entire galaxy just happened to be with the resistance? Fury flooded you and you shoved Poe away as you got out of bed. You slammed the bathroom door shut behind you, guilt niggled at you as you saw the bath Poe had lovingly prepared for you, he’d put some salts in there for you they made the water a gentle pink colour. You clutched the sink as you tried to calm the storm inside of you but Kylo’s face would not fade from your mind. With a yell you threw whatever you could reach. Poe tried to open the door and you force shut it closed on him. 

‘Leave me alone!’ You breathed roughly through your nose. How dare he, how  dare  he use you like this?! And now to send the Knights after you? You smirked, good luck with that because they didn’t stand a chance. 

You timidly opened the door to your room, your wet hair draped over your shoulders. 

‘Poe?’ Your heart sank a little as you realised he’d gone. With a sigh you grabbed your First Order armour. If the Knights were going to find you, you couldn’t be here. You cursed as you realised the resistance still had your lightsaber and went out into the base to find Leia. You could sense she was near the food hall, as you marched over the waves of hostility rolled over you as every resistance members eyes followed you. Poe was with Leia, of course he was having a whispered conversation no doubt about you. 

‘General Organa, I need to leave,’ you interrupted them. 

‘Why?’ Poe crossed his arms over his chest.

‘Because he is sending the Knights after me.’ You said quietly. 

‘You didn’t mention that little detail!’ Hissed Poe.

‘Well I am sorry! But when you realise you’re being used for someone else’s gain it kind of makes you angry!’ You snapped. Leia put a hand up to stop Poe retaliating.

‘We can’t have this conversation here.’ You both followed her to a private room. ‘Don’t interrupt Commander. Y/N tell me what you saw.’ 

‘It looked like a meeting with High Command, he was demanding I be found because he was told I’d been caught by the resistance. He looked tired and worn out....’ you felt concern for Kylo as you spoke, it had all happened so quickly his father, then the battle at Crait, Snoke and he had no one to lean on now you were gone. No one understood or sensed him like you did. ‘He demanded the Knights come and look for me, he called me his apprentice....’ you mumbled. ‘Anyway Poe called my name and he heard, he looked right at me. And then I was back here.’ You could feel Leia’s interest as to why Poe was there but she didn’t say anything. 

‘Sounds like your bond has no bounds,’ she said.

‘Can I interrupt now? Bond? What bond?’ You gestured as you tried to explain to Poe. 

‘I share a bond with him, I feel what he feels and we talk together in our minds.....’ you realised how it must have sounded to someone who had not much knowledge of the force. To be honest it sounded crazy when said out loud. ‘I feel physical pain when I’m away from him, but if I get to a certain distance it just becomes a dull ache.’

‘Is that why you were passed out? In the fighter?’ You nodded. ‘So he upped and left you, knowingly leaving you vulnerable?’ Poe ran his hand through his hair in frustration. ‘Some bond.’ He mumbled. 

‘We had a fight.’

‘You sound like a couple.’ He said not looking at you. Annoyance rose in you and your cheeks flushed. 

‘I was the only one to understand him! He’s in constant pain all the time and now I’m gone he has no one!’ Poe pursed his lips and nodded his head, you could feel the jealously sliding off of him every time you spoke about Kylo. 

‘He is a _murderer_! A tyrant!’ Shouted Poe, his finger pointing in your face. ‘And you feel sorry for him?’ Comprehension dawned in his eyes. ‘You love him.’ 

‘What? No!’ You recoiled instantly but clearly it didn’t contain enough conviction for him. Hurt and anger surrounded him, he looked like he wanted to say more but instead he wrenched the door open and left. You went to go after him.

‘Let him go.’ Said Leia softly. ‘He’ll calm down, eventually.’ You sighed, she was right he always exploded and then apologised afterwards. ‘Is he right?’ You tried to search yourself but the answer wouldn’t come, your fists clenched. 

‘I don’t know.’ You said through gritted teeth. ‘Regardless, I still need to leave.’ She nodded in agreement. 

‘Yes, but you won’t go alone.’

‘Why not?’ 

‘So you think I’m just going to hand you back over to the First Order without a fight?’ She chuckled. ‘Poe and Chewie will take you on the Falcon. We can’t hide you on the base, but we can try and hide you elsewhere.’ 

‘You’re putting them at risk,’ you stated.

‘Do you think he’d let you leave? I’ve never seen him this protective over anyone before. He’d only come after you and I’m not prepared to lose my best Commander on a suicide mission of his making.’ You sighed. 

‘Fine, but we need to leave soon.’ 

‘I’ll make the arrangements. Oh Y/N. May the Force be with you. Always.’ 

‘And you.’ You left the room, sending the force out you searched for Poe and found him in his quarters pacing up and down, hesitantly you knocked on the door. 

‘Can I come in?’ He opened the door and you slipped inside and closed it behind you. You both stood awkwardly as you tried to find the right words to say. Your cheeks flushed as you thought of last night and you opened your mouth to say something, anything to break this awful tension between you. But you didn’t get to, Poe strode up to you and grabbed your face in his hands, his eyes were dark as he brought his lips firmly down onto yours. You kissed him back just as fiercely, slowly he manoeuvred you against the wall with a thud. His hands ran up your sides and you entwined yours in his hair, you groaned as he pressed his body flush against you. 

‘I thought you were mad at me?’ You gasped as he kissed your neck. He faltered, his hands finally settling round your waist, his eyes were downcast as he pulled back slightly.

‘Do you love him?’ You gently tugged on his hair so he was forced to look at you.

‘No, no I do not.’ But even as you said those words your stomach knotted and you felt uncomfortable. Guilty. 

‘With this, bond. Did anything happen?’ You dropped your hands and ducked out of his arms, Poe ran a hand through his hair quietly cursing himself that he had even asked that. 

‘We kissed. But that was all. It was right before he killed Snoke.’ Poe’s face twisted into something you couldn’t quite place, was it disgust, confusion? You sat on the edge of his bed, replaying the memory, reliving the feelings you had felt at that moment, your skin had come alive when Kylo had kissed you. Stars, it came alive when he just ran his fingertips over your arm let alone anything else. You thought about last night, those feeling you had had with Poe and wondered what it would have been like with Kylo. Your eyes widened and you stopped that train of thought completely. You jumped up and skirted around Poe mumbling some excuse about packing and hastily left for the Falcon. 

You gently ran your hand over Han’s chair, remembering the dark haired boy who had also sat here.  Ben . You looked out the window to the base, a feeling of calmness washed over you as you saw the resistance going about their daily business.

You heard your name being called behind you. 

‘You don’t have to whisper P....’ you froze. It wasn’t Poe, it was Kylo. You felt your heart flutter, your chest constricted and you couldn’t take a deep breath in as your eyes locked with his. 

‘ _Where are you_?’  He sounded echoey when he spoke. 

‘I’m leaving.’ He nodded and stepped towards you. 

‘ _You were there, at the meeting_. ’ His eyes looked around you. ‘ _So you are with the resistance, with him._ ’  You felt a spike of anger that your suspicions were correct. 

‘You used me! You knew they would find me.’ 

_‘_ _Actually I didn’t. I thought you would come back_...’ you stumbled slightly as his emotions began to trickle though your bond.  Come back to me. I need you.  He didn’t say the words out loud but you felt them, they wrapped around you suffocating you.  Come back to me.

‘No.’ You gasped. ‘No I won’t! You  left  me!’ His face fell slightly. ‘I have no place with you in the First Order.’ His eyes flashed dangerously as he regained his composure.

‘ _And you think you have a place in the resistance? With him_?’

‘ Why are you fixated on Poe so much?!’ 

‘Hey, I love my name being yelled out but......’ he entered the cockpit and realised you were on your own, his fury was instantly palpable. ‘Was he here? Fuck Y/N was he here?!’ 

‘Yes but I don’t think he could see anything but me.’

‘How do you know that?! The base could now be compromised!’ 

‘Because he would have commented on the ship.’

‘The ship? What the...!’ Poe puffed out his cheeks and rubbed the back of neck. ‘Why would he make a comment about the ship?’ He asked calmly.

‘Because he grew up on it??’ You snapped. ‘He sat right here,’ you slammed your hand down on the seat, ‘right here where his father sat. Here he pushed all the buttons in one go.’ You pointed at the hyper driver lever. ‘Here he pulled this and nearly crashed the ship.’ You jumped as Chewie made a soft growling noise. ‘What did he say?’ You asked.

‘He said you’re right, because he was there too.’ Poe translated quietly. You gently placed a hand on Chewie’s arm, you closed your eyes as you felt the pain those memories brought up for the Wookie. 

‘I’m sorry.’ You made your way into the living space and sat down. 

‘ _So you’re on the Falcon_.’  Your head whipped round to find Kylo standing next to you. 

‘Go away!’ You hissed. 

‘ _We are bonded, I can’t just go away_.’  Tremors of annoyance from him travelled down your bond. You jumped up trying to gather the force to you, to block him out but you couldn’t, not completely. He smirked at you. ‘ _I will find you_.’

‘ What makes you think I’ll come willingly?!’ You furiously whispered. 

‘ _I’ll think of something_.’  And then he was gone. Your blood ran cold. He wasn’t going to give up, and you refused to put Poe in danger. You didn’t doubt that Kylo would kill him if he had the chance. 

Kylo stood staring at the space where you had been. He could feel the loss of you crushing him, he just needed you here, your comforting presence, your sparkling eyes the way you made him feel like he could do anything. The Knights had left to retrieve you already, he was hoping by sending them you’d come willing and not kill them. In fact he was pretty sure you had yet to take a life. Feelings rose in him as he thought about the pilot and jealousy burned in him that you had run straight to him. 

_Unbalanced_.... Snoke’s voice whispered through his mind causing him flinch. He hadn’t wanted to admit what you meant to him, he thought you were just an ends to a means. But actually, you were so much more. 

‘Supreme Leader.’ He took a quick breath in not realising someone had come up behind him. ‘We are approaching Coruscant.’

‘Are the ships in position?’

‘Yes Sir.’ 

‘Give the order.’


	25. Chapter 25

You sat on your bunk with the door shut, your mind mulling over everything that had happened. Poe had been avoiding you or he was always with Chewie so you couldn’t talk to him alone. Finn had come along but he was still not trusting of you and being in his presence so much drained you. You were snapped out of your thinking when there was a gentle rap on the door. 

‘Come in.’ Poe carefully stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He looked defeated as he sighed and leant on the door. ‘What’s wrong?’ 

‘Can I hold you?’ He whispered. You nodded and he slipped on to the bunk with you and slowly put his arms around you, you pulled him to you tightly gripping his clothes in your fists. He buried his face in your neck and you could feel his stubble tickling your neck. His familiar smell made you feel safe, you could feel relief spilling from him. ‘I’m sorry.’ He mumbled.

‘I know.’ You slipped a hand into his soft curls as he kissed your neck gently. Heat shot through your core and your heartbeat quickened, the atmosphere between you changed instantly. It pulsed around you like a thick cloud, he gently leaned forward and rested his forehead against yours his warm breath fanning across your cheeks. 

‘I missed you so much. Being away from you, it broke me.’ He sighed and you waited for him to continue. ‘I didn’t realise how much I cared about you until I heard you had been captured,’ his arms tensed around you and he gently pressed his lips to yours. Blood rushed to your head and you felt dizzy with it, you caressed his lips with yours then he pulled away brushing his nose against your cheek. ‘Can you believe it? I became a pilot.’ You chuckled. 

‘Don’t you get sick anymore?’

‘Turns out the feeling is different if you’re the one driving,’ he ran a hand through your loose hair and you closed your eyes as new sensations pricked your scalp, he gently tugged and you couldn’t help the moan that spilled from your throat. He kissed your exposed neck his free hand running down your body between your breasts.

‘Poe,’ your voice was strained and you wiggled slightly at the intense feeling between your legs. ‘We can’t — they’ll hear.’ You whispered. He growled softly in your ear but he released the tension on your hair anyway. You felt disappointed but you couldn’t look Finn or Chewie in the face again if they heard you both together. 

‘Sometimes I forget,’ he said as he took his hands off you. ‘How innocent you are.’ You frowned slightly as you looked at him, this wasn’t the Poe you used to know. He was older yes, but he seemed to have aged considerably more then the length of time that had passed. 

‘You’ve done a lot with the resistance?’ He nodded his eyes misting over as he relived past memories, memories you weren’t privy to.

‘They have given me some life experiences I will never forget. What about you?’

‘Well, I can’t say the First Order have given me great experiences. I saw Han die, we were abused by Snoke but I can swing a lightsaber and hit my target,’ you were trying to be flippant but your voice cracked. 

‘We?’ Frustration flooded you, your fistsclenched and your teeth ground together knowing full well all he picked up on was the subtle mention of Kylo. 

‘Yes we.’ You snapped and stood up suddenly not wanting to be next to him anymore. ‘Stars Poe, I can’t help what I went through, contain that jealousy for a change!’ You could feel the hot tears forming as you blinked. ‘I felt Kylo’s heart  break , I felt the darkness swallow him up whole yet you all just think is he’s a monster that needs putting down. He has been  failed over and over again by his own flesh and blood, he has been manipulated for other people’s gain he never wanted to be this way!’ Poe face grew dark as he stood up. 

‘I saw him give the order to murder an entire village, women,  _children_...... he didn’t even hesitate.’ His voice was deep with rage as he advanced on you. ‘Are you telling me he didn’t have a choice? Are you telling me there is some unseen force guiding him to do these awful things, that he’s just a puppet?’ 

‘Yes I’ve....’ he sneered in your face.

‘You are so  _stupid_.’  You slammed him against the wall with the force and after his initial shock he laughed. ‘Taught you well didn’t he?’ Anger boiled to the surface but before you did anything you’d regret you left the room wrenching the door open and storming off. You called out for your lightsaber and it snapped to your hand from wherever Poe had hidden it as you stalked off to the escape pods. You were annoyed you were in hyper space and couldn’t just get off this rust bucket. You sat down but you were restless, fidgety, you wanted to train. With a low thrumming noise your saber came to life in your hands, the force was everywhere you could feel it all around as you twirled your lightsaber in front of you. You imagined Poe’s face before you and jabbed wildly into the air. You paused as you heard a series of bleeps over by the door. It was a droid, you had gotten used to ignoring the droids on the First Order ships but this one was different. It was round like a ball with a head magnetised to it to allow free movement, it had a single lens and an antenna on top of its head. You lowered your weapon as you looked curiously at it. Was this the droid you and Kylo had been searching for?

‘BB8!’ A voice hollered. ‘What you doing back here buddy.....’ it was Finn. ‘You found your lightsaber then.’ You switched it off with a click.

‘He yours?’ You asked nodding at the droid. 

‘Poe’s actually.’ You made a face and sat back down on a crate. ‘You ok?’ Finn asked.

‘We had another fight.’ Finn nodded knowingly. ‘He told you?’ 

‘He’s pretty angry. I told him to calm down before he spoke to you again.’ You snorted loudly.

‘I don’t want to talk to him.’ Finn sighed and sat down opposite you. 

‘We all know what happened at base.’ Your head snapped up and your eyes glared at him. 

‘What do you mean?’ You snapped.

‘Listen, since I’ve known him all he’s done is talk about you, how you grew up together, how he feels about you and how he is going to save you.’ 

‘Save me from what?’

‘From the First Order and  _him_.’

‘Him, being Kylo?’ Finn nodded. 

‘So when we got the transmission that you were floating about in space alone he couldn’t leave quick enough. You should have seen him pulling you out of that TIE fighter I’ve never seen him so upset over anyone before.’ You sat quietly letting Finn’s words sink in. ‘Then the other night when he didn’t come back from your room...’ he spread his hands. You felt the blush creep up your cheeks thinking of how everyone knew what was happening in your room that night. 

‘He’s not the Poe I remember.’ You said softly.

‘No he’s not, he’s seen things, done things that change a person.’ You knew Finn was right, you just wish you knew what so you could understand but then it struck you, you’d never know anyone like you knew Kylo no matter how hard you tried. Your bond with Kylo went beyond space and time because it was something deep, ancient and you had to go back to him. You knew deep down he was where you belonged, even if he made you feel like you didn’t. 

‘Finn!! Have you seen this?’ You both got up at the urgency on Poe’s voice, it was a hologram message, you listened intently as it claimed the First Order had claimed Coruscant in a brutal battle killing millions of people. Poe’s brown eyes were sad and you flinched as he punched the seat. 

‘ _No_! Fuck no!’ He shouted out loudly as he swipedeverything off the counter in the communal area. Chewie roared as some of the items hit him. Poe fisted his hands in his hair. You sat reeling at the news, shocked that Kylo would go this far. 

‘So it’s beginning,’ said Finn. ‘The take over of the galaxy that the First Order has always wanted.’ Poe suddenly pales his eyes darting to you. 

‘We need to change course. Now!’ They didn’t tell you where they were going incase you relayed it to Kylo or he pulled it from you, it was a smart move but now you knew you were heading straight to him. Poe raced into the cockpit. ‘Hold on!’ He yelled as he manually dropped the ship out of hyper space. The change in g-force made you feel sick as you lurched against the table gripping it fiercely. Finn wobbled his way to the cockpit and you heard him splutter in annoyance. 

‘ _Jakku_ ?? You brought us back to Jakku?!’

‘I didn’t pick it for the scenery!’ Exclaimed Poe. ‘We need supplies before we plot a new course.’ 

‘I’ll stay on the ship,’ you offered.

‘Like _hell_ you are!’ You whipped round as Poe turned to look at you. ‘Leave you on the ship so you can fly off with it? Yeah, I don’t think so.’ Your anger flared in the face of his mistrust. ‘You’ll be sticking with me,’ he finished. 

‘Fine.’ You spat and went to go sit in your quarters until you’d landed. You finally felt the gentle bump as Poe expertly landed the ship, he came through to where you were sitting and threw a light coloured cloak at you. 

‘Cover yourself up.’ You glared at his retreating back as you donned the cloak. It covered you completely and you bared as striking resemblance to a Jedi, you felt slightly amused and you pulled the hood completely over your face and wrapped it around you. You followed Poe out of the ship, he directed Chewie to stay behind and fix anything that needed it, let’s face it something always needed fixing. Finn went off for food supplies and you and Poe went to buy fuel. You’d never been on a sandy planet before and you realised instantly you hated it. The annoying tiny little balls of grit found their way into every hole and crevice of your clothes making you feel itchy and putting you in an even more sour mood. The heat beat down on you and you instantly regretted the cloak as sweat trickled between your shoulder blades. You kept your senses open and on the look out for trouble, Poe paid for the fuel without issue and you began to trudge back to the ship. You paused, you could sense something familiar..... you peeked out from under your hood and saw A Knight of Ren and a Trooper talking to some natives. You quickly caught up with Poe and grabbed his elbow. 

‘Move, move!’ You hissed and for once he didn’t argue. As you approached the Falcon you heard a shout behind you followed by a blaster shot. You shoved Poe up the ramp lighting your saber. People began to scream and run away as the Trooper carried on firing at you. You deflected all his shots away from the ship but careful not to hit any of the stalls or innocent people. It took a lot of effort on your part and sweat began to trickle down your face. 

‘Stop firing, you won’t hit her.’ It was Vicrul. He stood away from you squinting in the sunlight. ‘Look Y/N,’ he rubbed a gloved hand over his face. ‘I don’t want to force you. I’ve seen what you can do I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.’ 

‘Then you’ll let us go?’ You called out. He shook his head.

‘You know I can’t do that. I’ve got orders.’ Vicrul swung his scythe so it now sat on his shoulder. You felt a judder go through the Falcon and the engines roared to life whipping sand around in a cloud and you darted up the ramp.

‘Close it!!’ You screamed. ‘Go go!’ The Falcon powered away from the planets surface as fast as it could go, you raced into the cockpit your heart beating furiously. ‘Don’t stop, don’t slow down, if Vicrul was here the others won’t be far behind.’ 

‘A Knight of Ren? Why didn’t he attack?’ Poe asked you.

‘Because.....’ An alarm started going off on the control panel.

‘We’ve got company!’ Yelled Poe, you and Finn ran for the guns, your heart felt heavy as you accessed the ladder. You didn’t want to kill any of the Knights, or anyone for that matter. They all had faces, names, possibly families. You settled in the seat. 

‘Please tell me we’re just disabling them? I don’t fancy killing anyone today.’ You said into your headset. 

‘Listen, it’s kill or be killed with these guys! Us or them and I chose us, so you need to pick a side.’ Poe shouted down your ear. ‘Shoot to kill, that’s an order.’ 

‘Here they come.’ Said Finn and he instantly started blasting. You zoned out as you spied the Night Buzzard streaking towards you, time slowed as they started shooting at the Falcon and Poe took evasive action. You closed your eyes and found yourself on the other ship, you could see the Knights watching the battle, all dressed in their armour with their weapons. But they didn’t see you, you notice Ap’lek starting to turn his head probably sensing your presence but you dart down the ship looking for the control panel so you could disable their hyper drive. You found the panel you were looking for but stared at it uselessly, you could hear Poe and Finn yelling in the distance and the sounds of the guns. You placed your hand on the panel and concentrated, the force buzzed through you and shot it into the screen, sparks flew and there was an explosion somewhere in the ship. Your feet left the floor and a roaring started in your ears as you were pulled back to your body, your view changed with a snap and you gasped as your lungs filled with air.

‘Y/N!! Fuck what are you doing?! Are you ok?’ You brain was trying to catch up but as you watched the Night Buzzard fall behind with a trail of smoke coming out of it. Your chest heaved and you scrabbled to get the headset off you, you bolted up the ladder feeling your stomach clench violently. Poe appeared in the doorway his face full of thunder as he came at you with his finger pointing in your face, a wave of nausea washed over you and before you could stop yourself you heaved expelling your stomach contents all over the floor.

‘Fuck!’ Poe darted out of the way. Your vision blurred and you heaved violently again, sweat ran down your face as you choked. You felt arms supporting you, you looked up expecting to see Poe but you saw  him.  Time suspended for the briefest of moments as you looked into his brown eyes which were wide with concern as his arms pushed on your shoulders. He was touching you, holding you and you felt the sizzle on your skin from his contact. You tried to say his name but he subtly shook his head, he looked up as Poe came at you crushing you to him. You felt Kylo’s presence fade and time went back to normal as you breathed in Poe’s comforting scent. You went floppy in his embrace and he swiped your legs from under you and lifting you into a bed. You floated in and out of consciousness aware of a wet cloth on your head every now and again and Poe’s firm grip on your hand. 


	26. Chapter 26

It was dark and silent when you opened your eyes, you were still on the Falcon and you could see the white flashing lights of hyper space from the cockpit which explained the silence surrounding you. You went to swing your legs over the side of the bunk when you kicked Poe in the head, your hand flew to your mouth as he cursed. He had been asleep on the end of your bunk and you hadn’t realised. 

‘I’m so sorry!’ you whispered. 

‘Never mind that, how are you feeling?’ His hand cupped your cheek as he looked at you in the dull light. 

‘I’m ok.’ You wheezed as Poe grabbed you tightly in an embrace. ‘I’m ok I promise.’ You croaked.

‘Shit, you gave me such a fright. It looked like you were dying.’ You smirked slightly.

‘So dramatic.’ He shook his head no amusement in his features at all. 

‘What did you do? To get them to stop following us? I’m assuming it was you.’

‘It was. I’m not sure, but suddenly I was on their ship so I disabled the hyper drive, well that was my intention anyway. So no one had to die.’ 

‘That sounds pretty surreal to be honest.’ 

‘I’m not sure I could do it again though.’ Your stomach rumbled loudly and you put your hand over it. ‘I’m sorry seems I’m hungry!’ 

‘You’ve been out for 2 day cycles,’ he said as he got up and grabbed a plate of food off the table and offered it to you. You grabbed it and groaned as it tasted so damn good. 

‘Calm down, it’s just portion bread.’ You finished the plate and handed it back to him, you watched as he put it back on the table. ‘You feel better now you’ve eaten?’

‘Do we have any Caf?’ He grabbed a waiting cup, it was luke warm but you didn’t mind as you breathed in the heady aroma. 

‘I knew you’d want some as soon as you woke up.’ You smiled as memories came to the surface, he’d always given you Caf in the mornings before working in the fields. You sipped it and moaned again, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d had Caf. You nursed the cup swilling the contents around. 

‘Where is everyone else?’ 

‘Sleeping, we didn’t enter hyper space until you were stable.’ You looked him over as he slumped on the end of your bed, his eyes had dark circles and his hair was a tousled mess. 

‘We should stop fighting.’ You said softly. He looked at you and nodded in agreement. He leaned forward and took the now empty cup out of your hands. 

‘Maybe we should make up instead.’ You bit your bottom lip and grinned as he slid over you and kissed you firmly. 

Kylo watched as the nib of his calligraphy quill glided over the parchment guided by his steady hand creating the perfect letter. He felt at peace when he did this, just a moment taken for himself away from the pressure of ruling, the decisions, the planning and missing you. No one could explain why the Night Buzzard had malfunctioned so badly but Ap’lek was insistent he’d felt your presence. Kylo remembered your face when the force had connected you together for that brief moment, you were in pain, the exertion had been too much for you. But he remembered touching you, feeling your shoulders with his own hands, all he wanted to do was grab you like the pilot had done. At least he had seemed concerned, from what Kylo saw anyway. He swirled the nib across the parchment and all he could hear was the scratching it created, it was a break in the constant pain of your absence. Just a moment to breathe and not think of anything except the deep black ink flowing from the nib of his quill and getting lost in the swirling darkness as it dried before him. 

Suddenly a loud groan ripped through the silence scattering his thoughts and he stopped completely, he could hear his heart thumping and blood rushed in his ears making a loud roaring sound. He closed his eyes as he could hear breathy little sounds behind him. He slowly turned and his eyes widened as he saw  you , he could see your arms circling someone’s shoulders and you both moving suggestively under the blanket. Kylo snapped back round to look at his desk but he wasn’t seeing anything in front of him, all he could concentrate on was the sound of your breathing as it became louder and louder. You moaned and he bit his bottom lip his insides quivering, did the force have to do this now? You groaned again and Kylo could feel his pants growing painfully tight. He had imagined this moment so many times over, the noises you’d make as you squirmed for him as he pleasured you. But he imagined  his  hands on you not anyone else’s. Anger coursed through him as he heard the man on top of you whisper something to you and you let out such an obscene noise Kylo had to hunch over at his desk. His hand went to his crotch and he clutched himself tightly sending bolts of pain through himself to try and curb his rising lust. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve to see you, not now, not when you didn’t even know he was there. Your breathing quickened and Kylo could hear the intensity of movement behind him and the sound of flesh on flesh reached his ears. He pinched himself and threw back his head in silent pain but nothing could stop the heat rising inside of him. When you reached your peak he almost unraveled himself right there a hunched over quivering, sweating mess of a man. You breathlessly whispered the other mans name but Kylo was so lost in his emotions he barely heard it. What he did feel was you, your pleasure as it spread through your body, as it seeped across your bond exploding through his body. Pure control kept him from tipping over the edge and he bit the inside of his cheek trying to stop himself from moaning. Suddenly he heard you whispering the name he only ever wanted you to say. His own. It swirled in his mind so quietly he wondered if it had been real. He slowly dared to turn and sneak a look at you, the man was already asleep his breathing deep and even and you were laying there with your eyes wide open. Suddenly you sat up and looked straight at him. Kylo froze, he felt panicked that you had noticed him were you going to be angry that he had intruded on such a private moment? Your eyes slowly took in his hunched posture and comprehension dawned in your eyes as you clutched the blanket to your chest. Kylo couldn’t help but rake his eyes over you, taking in the blush on your cheeks, your tousled hair and the post pleasure sparkle in your eyes. Right now, you were the most beautiful he had ever seen you. He wanted to apologise, he had no control over this and his anxiety rose as you just sat there looking at him. He closed his eyes and swallowed loudly trying to get himself under control, his throat felt dry and his breath sounded raspy, but when he opened his eyes they darted widely around. You were gone. He instantly relaxed, a sigh billowing from his lungs as he sagged in his seat. Tentatively he released his sore cock from his pants and began to stroke himself embracing the pain. He deserved the pain for thinking of you like this, for trespassing on you at a such an inappropriate time. It burst from him hard and fast and he grunted as the warm fluid spilled over his own hands and his hips bucked in his seat. He slammed his fist weakly onto his desk as now more than ever he needed you back with him. 

You sat breathing hard staring into the darkness where he had been just moments before. He’d seen, he’d seen everything and the effect you had had on him made you feel flushed all over. Poe was deep asleep his arm over his face as he snored softly, he hadn’t noticed a thing. You swallowed but your throat felt dry and tight with anxiety, you got off the bed taking a blanket with you but tucking the other one back over Poe. You looked at his handsome face and you felt your heart pound as you knew you had a choice to make, but judging from your reaction you had made it already. 

Weeks passed without another incident with a Knight and you didn’t see Kylo again even though your thoughts went to him often. You could feel your restlessness rising with each passing day as you sat on that ship. It became a prison, smothering you on a daily basis. You had to get out, you wanted to leave but you currently you had no idea where Kylo was you couldn’t feel him at all so you assumed you were opposite ends of the galaxy. You felt torn in two as you looked at the guys, even Finn’s attitude had changed towards you and you felt constant guilt. It ate you up everyday. You sighed as you flopped into a seat in the cockpit and you watched the rushing white lights of hyper space speed past the ship. 

‘You ok?’ Poe’s brown eyes were full of concern as he took in your expression. You started to say you were but you stopped. 

‘Actually no I’m not. I need to feel the wind on my face, I want see an ocean, I want to touch the bark on a tree — I,’ you stopped growling in frustration as he stared at you. ‘I can’t stay here I feel like I’m going to explode. I need solid ground beneath my feet Poe.’ The alarm started beeping to say you were dropping out of hyper space and you saw a planet burst into view before you, the green and blue swirling surface made your eyes go wide, you’d never seen a planet so beautiful. You stepped forward and Poe slid an arm around you pulling you to him. 

‘I’ve been watching you, you’ve been so patient but we could all do with a break. This is Naboo. We’re going to risk being here for a few days.’ Excitement buzzed through you at the prospect of standing on this planets surface breathing in the fresh air. Poe released you as Chewie came in and you stepped back letting them land. 

You ran down the ramp and instantly took a deep breath, it smelled like greenery and just so fresh, a laugh erupted from your throat and you lay on the cool ground feeling the grass all around you.

‘Is there anyone nearby?’ Poe asked and you closed your eyes feeling as far as you could with the force. 

‘No humans.’ He nodded. He had landed the ship expertly amongst some trees so it was hidden from above and camouflaged on the ground but Chewie went off to find more bushes and things to put round the landing gear of the ship. You stared up at the blue sky seeing the wispy white clouds swirl across the sky, the grass rustled in the slight breeze and you closed your eyes in bliss. It was so much better than you had imagined. So much better. You felt warm hands clasp yours and pull you upright against him. 

‘You look so gorgeous.’ He whispered as he plucked some grass out of your hair. You grinned up at him but really inside you were squirming with guilt, with every compliment he gave you, every look and touch you knew the hurt for him would be astronomic but you still couldn’t pull yourself fully away. You still enjoyed the butterflies he gave you, he made you happy. You  were happy, but you couldn’t ignore the growing feeling that something was coming. ‘Come with me.’ He grabbed your hand and tugged you up the grassy hill. 

‘Poe where are we going?’ You huffed already out of breath. You needed to get some training in you realised. 

‘You’ll see.’ He pulled on your arm tugging you right to the top, you gasped as a lake with sparkling colours glittering all over it came into view, the distant sounds of the large waterfall reached your ears and you were instantly transported back to your planet. You looked at him your eyes glinting and you began to run down the hill towards it, the air rushed past you, your lungs breathed deeply and your muscles screamed in protest as you ran full pelt towards the water. Your blood pumped loudly in your ears and it thumped in rhythm with your strides, without missing a step you dived into the water. The coldness swallowed you up and you felt more alive now than you had in years, when you broke the surface taking in a deep breath you saw Poe just reaching the edge, clearly winded. 

‘This is lush Poe come on in!’ He rested his hands on his knees breathing heavily and he squinted at you and shook his head. 

‘No.....’ he waved a hand at you. ‘Can’t breathe....’ he stood up hands on his hips as his chest heaved. ‘Stars you’re so fast.’ You laughed and hearing that sound coming from you lit up his face, he bent down and splashed some water in your direction. 

‘Don’t start something you can’t finish!’ You shouted. 

‘What?’ He spread his hands innocently as he used his foot to spray you this time. 

‘Fine.’ You pushed out with the force making a wave that engulfed him. He cursed loudly as he stood there dripping wet, he moved his hair out of his eyes and you bit your lip knowing you’d over stepped. 

‘You’re in trouble now.’ You squealed and tried to swim away as he barrelled into the water, he grabbed your waist and hauled you to him spinning you as he did. His lips crashed into yours and you could taste the fresh water dripping off his skin. Your cold clothes were a stark contrast against your hot bodies as your hands trailed now familiar paths on one another. ‘Let’s go behind the waterfall,’ he whispered and you nodded excitement shooting through you. You found the path and carefully slipped past the rushing water, the sound of it deafened you as it roared around the little cave but you didn’t care, all you wanted was Poe’s hands on your naked skin. You both stripped off your sodden clothes and clashed together in a bundle of heat and need. You had been snatching moments all over the Falcon but it had been a while since you’d both had any relief. He sat on the floor and you straddled him, he went to put his hands between your legs but you stopped him, his pupils were blown wide with lust as he stared at you. 

‘I _need_ you ,’ you whispered in his ear and without anymore encouragement he pushed your hips down onto him. You gasped at the sudden sensation of him filling you and your head was flung back as a groan ripped your throat. He grabbed your breast, his hot mouth sucking your nipple as you ground against him. You knew this wouldn’t last long you were both far too desperate for each other, your gasps got louder and he moaned against you as his hands rocked your hips. You could feel it building inside you, he pulled you forward against him as he began to pound into you growling in your ear. You tensed against him the feeling of your release build up, you were right there on the edge of a cliff and with a final thrust he pushed you over and stars exploded behind your closed eyes. You could feel him shuddering beneath you as he also found his release and you both clutched each other as you finally came down from your high breathing roughly. He kissed you gently and you softly moaned against him. 

‘We should get back.’ He whispered. You knew he was right.

‘They’re going to know.’ You said looking at the pile of wet clothes. He chuckled. 

‘I think Finn figured us out long ago.’

‘Yeah, he did.’ He looked at you in the dim light his hand brushing your wet hair away from your face. 

‘When you — you weren’t with me, you were all I spoke about.’ The guilt flared up inside you and you hugged him close as you squeezed your eyes tight. You couldn’t keep doing this, he deserved more. ‘Come on,’ you gently untangled from each other and struggled into your wet clothes, the sun was dipping low in the sky and you could see the first of the moons coming into view. This planet was truly breath taking. Finn had started a fire and Chewie was cooking some meat above the roaring flames, the smell hit you and you realised how hungry you were. 

‘What happened to you two?’ Demanded Finn. Poe shrugged.

‘Water fight.’ You made an excuse and ducked into the Falcon to change out of your wet clothes. 

‘Some fight.’ You heard Finn say as he slapped Poe on the shoulder. You stood next to your bunk and your chest heaved as the guilt reached a fever pitch inside you. Tears fell from your eyes as you sobbed silently. The need to leave was so strong you could feel it pulling at you but you also didn’t want to hurt anyone. Poe, you didn’t want to hurt Poe. 

‘Why is this so hard?!’ You snarled to yourself. 

‘ _What’s hard_ _?_ ’ You whipped round your eyes wide and your heart racing as you jolted in panic. 

Kylo stood there looking at you, he could see you were on the Falcon, tears stained your face and he felt a surge of anger at the resistance for keeping you away from him. Without thinking he closed the distance between you, he wanted to touch you, he needed to feel you. Your eyes were wide but you didn’t back away, he took a shuddery breath in his lips quivering. It had been weeks since he’d seen you, sensed you. He raised a hand to touch your arm not even sure he could he paused, he couldn’t face the idea of going to touch you and not being able to, his heart beat wildly and his eyes darted back up to your face. You slowly raised your hand to his, you didn’t hesitate and your fingers clutched his in a tight squeeze. You gasped and wonder flooded his body that you could touch without being anywhere near each other. 

‘Where are you?’ He demanded. ‘Wh — where are you?’ He said again stuttering against the obstruction in his throat.

‘ _Naboo_ ,’ you breathed. ‘ _I’m on Naboo_ .’ Relief enveloped him and a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding whooshed out of him. He pinned you with an intense stare. 

‘I’m coming.’ You faded, your grip disappearing from his hand. Without another thought he rushed to the hanger, people dived out of his way. He jumped into his silencer and started up the engines. He flinched as General Hux appeared on the small holopad.

‘Where are you going Supreme Leader?’ 

‘I’ve had some information about the Commander.’ He replied firing up the engines.

‘Shall I prepare some Troopers? The Knights?You can’t go alone.’

‘I’ll be fine General.’

‘Supreme Leader you can’t put yourself at risk like thi.....’ Kylo cut the connection off and sped out of the hanger and disappeared into hyper space. 

You ran down the ramp, panic ripped through you at what you had just done.

‘He’s coming! He’s coming!’ You half screamed as tears blinded your vision. Chewie roared loudly as they stood up to face you, BB8 released a serious of urgent beeps. ‘You need to leave, now!’ Poe grabbed you.

‘What did you do??’ You sobbed loudly as his hands gripped your upper arms tightly causing pain to shoot down them.

‘He knows!’ You gasped. Poe started barking orders and he began to heave you towards the ramp. You wrenched yourself from his grasp. ‘I can’t go with you.’

‘What do you mean?’ Frustration was etched all over his face as he half shouted at you. ‘You have to come...’

‘I can’t I can’t!’ Your shaky hands covered your face knowing this was the moment. You were about to break his heart and he had no idea. The engines started on the Falcon.

‘You have to I’m not leaving without you.’

‘Please — he’ll kill you,’ you begged. Why wouldn’t he just leave?

‘I’m not leaving you. I....I love you.’ His words ripped another sob from you and you let him crush you to him, his eyes glinted with tears. Again he tried to drag you to the ramp and you dug your heels in fighting against him. 

‘I can’t go with you!’ You screamed as the sound of the Falcon intensified and the draft from the ship blew into you both. Finn appeared on the ramp.

‘Let’s go!!’ He screamed. ‘Something just entered the atmosphere!’ The pain, the fuzziness of reconnecting with Kylo made you sway but you still managed to step out of Poe’s grasp. His eyes pleaded with you.

‘I’m not leaving you.’

‘No.  _I’m_ leaving you.’ Your chest heaved as his expression changed to one of horror. You could feel his desperation, his realisation that he was loosing you right before his own eyes. He shook his head his expression growing dark as he lunged for you, but you stopped him. Freezing him with the force as you sobbed loudly. ‘I don’t — love you.’ Pain ripped through him and your heart hurt as you felt it ripple through his aura. He sagged against your barrier in defeat and you released him. He stumbled slightly but didn’t try to grab you again. 

‘POE!’ Yelled Finn as Kylo’s ship came into viewthrough the trees. Trepidation seized you and you shoved Poe towards the ship, you didn’t know if you could stop Kylo from killing them but you didn’t want to find out. 

‘You need to leave NOW!’ You could hear Kylo’s ship powering down as he landed. Finn grabbed Poe and hauled him up the ramp, he went willingly but never taking his sad brown eyes off of you as he stepped backwards. You could feel Kylo coming up behind you and you braced yourself as the Falcon began to lift off the ground whipping your hair away from your face. He stood right behind you, his broad chest against your back his aura engulfing yours and in this charge fuelled moment you felt calm. His arm reached out and you could feel the pull of the force to him as he went to stop the Falcon from leaving. The sound of grinding metal reached your ears as Poe and Finn stumbled on the still open ramp, the Falcon battling against the pull of the force. 

‘No! Please let them go!’ You spun and looked up at him pleading with your eyes, he looked down at you as he breathed harshly, his dark hair flopping into his face. You could see the conflict in his expression, the battle between doing what was expected of him and what you wanted him to do. You put a hand on his arm and suddenly you were blown fully against his chest as the Falcon sped away through the trees, the blast causing trees to fall and splinter. Instinctively Kylo placed a strong arm around you and you could feel him trembling as he struggled to stop bits of tree trunk from hitting you both. The wind died down and the sound of the Falcon retreated behind you leaving you in darkness. 


	27. Chapter 27

You stood at the bottom of the hill as Kylo stood at the top. You could see all three moons now and they cast his shadow three times over on the grass. He stood tall as he looked out at the view, his cloak fluttered in the slight breeze and his hand rested on his thigh. You couldn’t see his face but he seemed to be calm. You wrung your hands together, the remnants of Poe leaving were weighing heavily on you but Kylo hadn’t said a word to you. He had made sure you were unharmed before striding off, you had tried to speak but you felt you couldn’t. At least he didn’t seem angry, not yet anyway.   
You turned and walked back to where the Falcon had been, the circle of trees was pretty much destroyed and the fire Finn had made was obliterated. You looked up at the sky seeing the stars twinkling above you, the blue-black sky was full of them and you couldn’t help but feel lost. Under the wide expanse of space you felt so tiny and insignificant, and yet your actions created such huge consequences. Poe’s face haunted you and you knew it would for a long time. You did this, you created this and now he would hate you forever. You waited for the tears to come but your eyes were dry, you had no more tears to give, you felt empty and devoid of emotion as you replayed Poe walking up the ramp away from you, like you had wanted. A sound snapped you out of your melancholy and you turned to see Kylo had finally descended from his grassy hill top, his expression was blank as he looked at you. Honestly you expected more from him but maybe now he had custody of you again he didn’t need to put on the whole missing you act. 

‘Are we heading back to the fleet Supreme Leader?’ Your voice sounded loud and harsh against your own ears, you would have winced and worried about how you came across but really, you were so tired you didn’t care. Today had been a long day, you hadn’t eaten and now you had to face The First Order. He paused before he replied and you wondered if he had heard you. 

‘No,’ you felt a ripple of something come across your bond as he looked at his fighter. You frowned you didn’t need this now. 

‘What’s wrong?’ You snapped. His eyebrows rose but if you’d have blinked you would have missed the movement.

‘It only has one seat.’ He snipped back. 

‘Oh...’ you weren’t sure how to react. It was clear he had dived in the first thing he could to get to you without thinking further than that. ‘Can you contact the fleet?’ He made a slight face.

‘I could, but you need to rest before you face High Command.’ You sat down heavily on a log when he spoke again. ‘We could fit, for a short jump.’ You were too tired, your limbs felt heavy your mind was foggy you just wanted this day to be over. You shrugged and started trudging towards the ship. 

Kylo could feel how exhausted you were and he knew you desperately needed to rest. High Command weren’t going to be easy, on either of you. Yes Kylo had the final say but he also needed to keep them happy and on side as it made everything so much simpler. He took long strides to catch up with you, he felt nervous and he tried not to think about the last time he had really seen you, looking so flushed and beautiful. He pushed those thoughts down deep, now was not the time. He settled into the pilots seat and helped you up inside, it was a very tight squeeze but you managed to balance on his legs and he was able to reach the control panel around you. He tried to ignore the fact it was  you  on his lap, it was  your  warmth he could feel right now seeping through his pants. He kept his expression blank as he steered the ship upwards, almost instantly you sagged against him your breathing deep and even with sleep. Then and only then did he allow himself to look at you. He jumped into hyper space and the white lights rushing past illuminated your face as you rested on his shoulder. He gently put an arm around you to hold you in place, not that you could have fallen anywhere, you shifted and he tensed as you squirmed into a better sleeping position resting on his chest with your hands tucked up near your face. Only now did he allow himself to feel relief, even happiness that you were here with him. In the silence of hyperspace your breathing was loud but he took comfort in that, comfort in you and he wrapped his other arm around you. Gently he lowered his face until it was buried in your hair and he took a deep breath filling himself with the scent of you, you smelled of fresh water and grass and it was best thing in the entire galaxy. For the first time in a long time Kylo Ren felt peace and he never wanted to lose it again. 

_It was dark, so dark. You put your hands up to your face but you couldn’t see them, noises echoed around you but it was just the sound of your shuffling feet._

_‘Hello?’ You voice sounded loud and you winced slightly. There was a click and a hissing noise as red light burst into view before you burning your eyes with its brightness. Once your eyes adjusted you could see it was a lightsaber held by someone in a black cloak, the hood covering their face. ‘Who are you?’_

_‘We never really met properly...’ it was a woman and she started to circle towards you. You felt the coolness of a hilt in your hand and lit your own lightsaber moving away from her._

_‘So we have met?’ She sneered under the hood._

_‘Oh yes, we met. Briefly. You wanted information on a droid.’ You frowned._

_‘Rey?’ She stopped moving and started to rush towards you, you traded a few blows before she started circling you again. ‘I don’t understand, you’re dead?’ She rushed at you again with a yell and as your sabers locked together you could see her eyes, her red and yellow eyes._

‘No!’ You sat up abruptly you breathed hard through your nose like you had been running. The moonlight slanted into the room you were in, you were on a bed and in the corner of the room you noticed a chair. The wood protested slightly as Kylo sat forward, his eyes droopy with sleep as he looked at you. 

‘What did you see?’ He asked his voice deep and it was clear you had woken him up. 

‘I...I....um I don’t really know.’ You looked down and noticed you were fully dressed still but you were under the covers and he had placed your boots neatly next to the bed. You were surprised that he’d been this thoughtful. ‘Where are we?’ 

‘Tatooine.’ Another sandy shit hole, but you supposed they didn’t ask many questions round these parts. 

‘How did we get in without them stopping you in all your.....get up?’ You gestured to his cloak, he would stand out around here surely all dressed in black and carrying a passed out woman? Surely people would take notice. 

‘An old trick I learnt in my Jedi training.’ Your interest was instantly peaked, he never spoke of his past, ever. 

‘Can you teach me?’ The chair creaked again as he settled back into the shadows.

‘Go back to sleep.’ You smiled slightly, it wasn’t a no. You laid back down and fell back to sleep, you didn’t dream of anymore people wielding lightsabers but you did dream of Poe. When you woke with the sun sadness had settled heavily on your heart and you couldn’t shift it. Breakfast was left outside the room and you brought it in as Kylo stayed in the chair away from any windows. 

‘Are we staying here all day?’ You asked as you chewed some food. 

‘Yes. We will leave when it’s dark.’ Great. A whole day indoors with a man who barely spoke. The food grew ashy in your mouth and you put down the rest losing your appetite. You immediately felt restless, the agitation manifested with you wringing your hands together as you got up and paced next to the bed. ‘Meditate.’ 

‘What?’ He lent forward slightly.

‘Have you forgotten what I taught you?’ 

‘You didn’t really teach me much.’ You muttered. He sighed in irritation as he stood up, he walked over to you and sat on the floor before you, you stared at him in shock before settling down in front of him.

_Concentrate_.  You closed you eyes and immediately you were pulled away from yourself, you felt calm and relaxed as the force flowed around you, but something niggled at you and you frowned slightly. You could hear someone calling your name whispering to you. Your breathing quickened as the red lightsaber came into view again her black cloak billowing behind her in an unseen wind. 

_We have unfinished business_... You tried to run but your feet just ran on the spot, you had no weapon this time and you felt fear strike you as she advanced. Again you could hear someone calling your name louder this time and you allowed yourself to be pulled out of your meditation. Kylo was standing, his hands had a tight grip on your upper arms as he tried to bring you back. You winced as his hands covered the bruises left by Poe and he released you suddenly. 

‘Was that who you saw before?’ He asked and you nodded not trusting yourself to speak. ‘Do you know who it is?’ 

‘It’s Rey.’ You whispered, he frowned his eyes growing dark. 

‘Are you sure?’

‘She had red and yellow eyes before. I’m sure I got a good look at her face.’ He nodded slightly before stepping away from you. 

‘Rest, we need to leave soon.’ You shivered slightly and without arguing you got back into bed and he went back over to his chair. 

Darkness descended on the planet and you could hear the loud noise of the cantina below. Kylo opened a window and motioned towards it. 

‘We’re jumping?’ You hissed. 

‘We can walk through the whole cantina if you like...?’ You frowned, he was right this was far less noticeable. You both jumped and landed softly on the sandy ground beneath, you could feel your feet sinking and you instantly hated it. Kylo looked at you and you were sure he had the ghost of a smile in the wake of your discomfort, but the light was dim and you weren’t really sure. 

_Where is the ship?_

_In a hanger_.  You rolled your eyes as you shadowed his movements darting from hiding place to hiding place. 

_So anyone could have seen it?_

It’s well guarded.  He paused at a small door on the outskirts of town, having a quick look around it looked like a scrap yard with bits of ship just laying around. You heard a noise and something scurrying away as Kylo opened the door. He stopped right in front of you, it was dark but you could tell he was tense, then you saw it, the barrel of a blaster right at his temple. 

‘Who do you think you are —‘ the voice of an old woman reached your ears as you tried to think of what to do without making too much noise. 

‘Peli...’

‘— coming in here and trying to steal my stuff?’ 

‘Peli.’ His deep voice resonated with a tone of command this time and the barrel was retracted sharply. 

‘I’m sorry I thought you were robbing me, can’t be too careful these days, they see an old lady and think I’m easy pickings. I’m not!’ She said loudly. You stepped out from behind Kylo and her eyes widened. ‘You’re awake this time.’ You thought she was going to say more but she turned and started hobbling away her wild curly grey hair casting an abstract shadow on the wall. ‘Thanks for the credits. Don’t come back. Get out of my way.’ You heard the clang of her stick on something metal just before she closed the door behind her. You raised your eyes at Kylo. 

‘Well guarded?’ He shrugged slightly and headed to the ship. 

‘We need to go.’ He climbed in and pulled you up like before, you forgot how tiny this space was. You made a face as you tried to sit so you weren’t in his way but also so you weren’t sitting awkwardly. You could feel your mind wandering as you could feel his body heat, he put his arms either side of you to start the ship up and you flinched every time he brushed against you. 

The trip was short thankfully and the white blurred lights of hyper space helped calm you. All too soon the fleet burst into view and Kylo headed towards the lead ship. Hux appeared on the holopad. 

‘About time. We shall meet you in the hanger.’ He sounded as pleased as always and your heart started beating faster. You had no idea what was going to happen next but it wasn’t going to be comfortable. 

You groaned inwardly as you saw General Hux and a group of Troopers waiting for you. Kylo gently landed the ship and the door hissed open. You had no idea how he got out of here with you as a complete dead weight because getting out was — difficult. Lots of elbows, knees and hands in awkward places with a few mumbled ‘sorries’ you felt him tense up a few times as you tried to wiggle your way out of the tiny cockpit. All the while Hux and his Troopers just stood there and watched. You could feel your face blushing furiously as you finally made it to the floor and Kylo got out swiftly behind you. 

‘High Command are waiting.’ Announced Hux, he held out his hand looking at you. ‘Weapon.’ 

‘What?’ He tutted and rolled his eyes.

‘ _Weapon_ _!’_ He snarled at you. You looked up at Kylo but he didn’t offer anything to help you so you clearly had no choice. You slowly unclipped the saber and handed it over. 

‘ Don’t lose it.’ You said with a tone in your voice you’d never heard before. You had never had to give up your saber to someone you didn’t like and it felt odd. With a nod, he spun on his heel and the troopers surrounded you, your own personal guard. You felt like a prisoner again just without the cuffs. You were led to a large meeting room, all the officers and Generals that made up High Command were already seated, you sat down as Kylo swept into the room after you, he was handed a datapad and he sat in his seat at the long table opposite you and waved a hand for them to proceed. All eyes were suddenly on you as they started asking questions.   
Where was the resistance base? 

What did you remember of the planet? 

Then what happened? Where did you go? 

Why didn’t you escape? 

Why did you evade Vicrul? 

What happened with the Night Buzzard? 

You tried to answer them all as truthfully as possible then the questions came that you dreaded. 

What happened once you were found by the Supreme Leader? Why did it take you so long to come back? 

You glanced at Kylo as panic shot through you and for the first time you stumbled over your words. 

‘I can answer that.’ All heads turned to Kylo with a rustle of fabric and you could feel your heart hammering in your chest. ‘She was exhausted, she passed out so I let her rest for a day before bringing her back here to be interrogated.’ 

‘Where did you go?’ One General asked her eyes boring into you. 

‘We stayed on Tatooine. No one saw us.’ He replied lazily as he flicked through the datapad. 

‘Together?’ Your felt your heart seize up as you realised what they were digging for. Kylo looked up from his scrolling.

‘What are you implying?’ He asked quietly. The atmosphere in the room changed immediately but the officer seemed to be feeling bold today. 

‘Well you are the Supreme Leader and you have gone above and beyond for her....errrgh,’ he started choking as Kylo reached for him. 

‘She is  _my_ apprentice.’ He snarled. ‘She is  _my_ responsibility.’ He released the officer who slumped out of his chair gasping for air. ‘Anyone else?’ His eyes flickered dangerously as he eyed them all.

‘No sir I think we’re done,’ Hux replied. Without a word Kylo stood up and strode out of the room, they all turned and looked at you expectantly. You waited a few beats before sliding your saber across the table to you and leaving the room. You jogged to catch up with Kylo, you could feel annoyance radiating off him as you followed him down the corridors. He opened a door and shoved you in closing it behind you both. It was nice, the walls were black, as was the floor and the furnishings with red accenting throughout. You could see familiar lightsaber marks burnt into the walls, these were his quarters. He threw off his gloves and dumped his cloak on the nearest chair before sinking down onto the sofa with a huff. 

‘Well that was unpleasant.’ You said, it was a pointless statement but you just needed something to say. 

‘You will stay here, you can have the bedroom, until your quarters are ready.’ 

‘Here? But where will you sleep?’ He didn’t answer he just sat on the sofa resting his elbows on his knees facing away from you. You felt a spike of anger, you really had expected more but you weren’t sure why. When you had seen each other briefly in the past weeks there had been touches, moments, eye contact and you thought it all meant something. But now you were back here he was more guarded than ever. ‘Where are the training grounds in this place? I’m out of practice.’ He silently offered you his datapad, you took it and stormed off. 

You were looking down at the datapad but you weren’t seeing it, not really. Silently you were seething, the refiltered air burning your nostrils as you mindlessly walked the nearly empty corridors. This ship was sleeker than the last star destroyer, it seemed bigger. 

‘Oh! Look who’s returned to the fold!’ You stopped abruptly as Trudgen appeared before you. ‘After you left Vicrul covered in sand we thought you’d never return.’ 

‘I missed training with you guys.’ You said dryly. He chuckled and started walking so you fell into step beside him.

‘Ap’lek is furious with you.’

‘Me?! Oh right. The Buzzard.’ You frowned as you remembered what had happened and why you did it. ‘I didn’t want anyone to die. Poe was going to shoot you down and I couldn’t — I just couldn’t let that happen.’ 

‘That resistance pilot?’ You nodded. ‘Well, when you put it like that...’ he opened a door and you felt a soft sigh escape you as you looked at the training area. The sound of training sticks connecting brought a peace to your soul you didn’t know you needed. 

‘This, this is what I miss.’ You slowly followed Trudgen over to the rest of the Knights, Ap’lek glowered at you as he spun his training stick with a flick of his wrist. He was restless, he didn’t want you here you could feel it radiating off him. You grabbed a stick testing it for balance as you twirled it before you. 

‘You.’ Ap’lek curled his lip as you pointed at him. ‘Let’s fight this out.’ He bowed his head slightly accepting your challenge. The other Knights instantly made room as you began to circle round and Ap’lek copied your movements. He feinted a couple of times before launching his true attack, the sound of the wood clattering together rung in your ears as you traded blow after blow. The force gave your arms strength as it flowed through you, at one point you leapt over him but instantly had to block as you landed. Even though you were so out of practice you held your own, sweat dripping off you as you refused to give in. Suddenly you misstepped and he cracked you across the back, you yelped and fell on all fours. You heard him snigger as he raised the stick again, you managed to spin and block it then pushed upwards from the floor forcing him away. 

‘Why did you do it?’ Your chest heaved with the exertion and you squinted at him as you stretched your back.

‘The Buzzard?’ You gasped. 

‘Yeah. I want to know why? Are you now a spy for the resistance?’ Trudgen opened his mouth to speak but you shot him a look and he closed it with a snap.

‘Is that what you believe? That I would betray you like that?’ You threw the stick to the side it rolled noisily away across the floor. ‘You guys are pretty much the only family I’ve ever had,’ you felt a twinge of guilt as you said it. ‘You let me just fit in with all of you, and you would think that of me?’ They all shifted uncomfortably. You made a frustrated noise and turned away, as you left you saw Kylo in the shadows, you weren’t sure how long he’d been watching and really you didn’t care, your eyes connected and you almost wanted him to say something, but he didn’t. You left the grounds and headed back to Kylo’s quarters to shower and rid yourself of the muck and grime from the last few days. 

The days that followed were uneventful, you shadowed Kylo, didn’t say much, trained with the Knights, didn’t say much. It all just became habit very quickly, which helped to take your mind off Poe and the haunting expression on his face as he backed up onto that ramp. A noise startled you and you quickly wiped the tear off your cheek as Kylo walked into his quarters, if he noticed you he didn’t say anything which was normal. 

Kylo slowly slid his gloves off and placed them on the table. He was so acutely aware of your pain and how the pilots face stalked you almost every hour of your day. He didn’t know how to help you, he was completely out of his depth. All he did know is that your quarters had been ready a few days now, he just hadn’t told you because you had been sleeping restfully in his bed and he felt it was all he could do for you for right now. Or it was all you would let him do. He felt exhausted, sleeping on the sofa was taking it out of him and he’d been so busy he hadn’t really eaten much recently either. The First Order took up all of his time, which is what he wanted it kept him distracted from you. He went to take a step and crashed into the chair at the table you shot up in shock at the loud noise.

‘Kylo?’ The way you said his name sent a shiver down his spine, you were the only one to call him that, he didn’t let anyone else use his chosen name. 

‘I’m fine.’ He rumbled before sitting heavily in the seat, his limbs felt shaky and out of control. You came towards him frowning. 

‘No you’re not, you feel odd. Have you eaten?’ He jerked his head slightly and you narrowed your eyes. ‘I’ll get some food.’ As soon as the door was shut he rose and stumbled to his bedroom, it smelled like you and he couldn’t contain himself. He laid down on the cool sheets and buried his face into the pillow you slept on breathing your sweet aroma into him. Maker, you smelled so good. He gathered the pillow to him and before he knew it he was asleep. 

You came back from the cantina with some food for you both and to your delight they had Caf. You had taken one of the serving jugs full of it and just hoped no one had noticed. When you got back into the quarters Kylo wasn’t at the table. 

‘Kylo?’ Nothing. You put everything down and headed into the bedroom to see him sprawled all over the bed hugging your pillow, it was clear he was asleep and you didn’t have the heart to wake him. You went to go back into the living space but something made you pause, you walked up the side of the bed and knelt down so you could lay your head on your arms at his level on the edge of the bed. He looked so calm and peaceful, he had been working so hard recently. You reached out and swiped a stray strand of hair out of his face and gently tucked it behind his ear, his eyes snapped opened and you froze your fingers tips still touching his ear. He didn’t say anything, he just looked at you with his smooth brown eyes. You swallowed nervously and retracted your hand.

‘I — er,’ you coughed slightly as your voice broke. ‘I brought food.’ You swiftly got up your insides churning that he had caught you doing that, you grabbed the jug of Caf and tipped it into two mugs, you grabbed yours and retreated to the sofa. You heard him enter the room and take the lid off his food before sitting down slowly to eat it. You didn’t turn around, you sat there staring at the datapad but the words all just blurred into one mass before you, what you did see was Kylo asleep hugging your pillow. _Hugging_ , he was  hugging your pillow. You tried not to fixate on that fact but it was all you could do. What did it mean? Did he actually  like  you? Or was he just that exhausted he needed his bed for a change? Yeah that must be it. You sipped the Caf and closed your eyes briefly as the bitter warm liquid hit your tongue, stars this stuff was glorious. You tensed slightly as you heard Kylo get up and put his plate back on the tray, you heard the tinkle of his boot buckles as he pulled them off and it dawned on you he probably wanted to rest now. 

‘You can take the bed, I’ll sleep here tonight.’ You offered. He paused. 

‘You don’t have to.’ You sensed he wanted to say more and you turned to look at him. He looked so vulnerable standing there, holding his boots, barefoot and his hair all tousled up from laying on the bed. ‘Your quarters are ready.’ 

‘They are?’ You felt a pang of sadness, it meant you had to go to your own space now. As much as you hated to admit but knowing you weren’t alone at night was a comfort to you, even if he was in another room. ‘Oh ok.’ 

‘I can have your clothes sent over.’ You nodded as you tucked the datapad under your arm.

‘Where are they?’ 

‘Just across the corridor.’ You nodded not expecting them to be that close. 

‘Ok, well. Goodnight then.’ He didn’t reply as you grabbed the jug of Caf and swiftly left. Your quarters were smaller but only slightly, you didn’t mind the bed was just as nice. You placed the jug down and settled into the bed, slowly you managed to drift off to sleep the datapad falling from your grasp as you slumped against the headboard.

‘ _Where aaaaare you?’ You clamped a hand over your mouth as you tried not to make any noise. Your heart raced and you were sure they would be able to hear it. ‘Come out. Rey wants to play!’ Sweat beaded on your skin as you tried to stay still and unnoticeable in your hiding place. ‘Got you!’ You screamed as she leapt out in front of you her red lightsaber glowing in the darkness. ‘You keep running from me. We have unfinished business.’ You tried to back up but there was nowhere to go._

_‘You’re dead!’ You shouted and she paused her advance, a wicked smile slid across her face._

_‘I was. But now I’m not.’ She whispered._

_‘What the fuck?’ She knelt down before you and drew her hood back, her red eyes glinting at you._

_‘You know what this means. You have the answer,’ she tapped her temple. ‘I’ll be waiting...’_

You jolted awake, bolting into an upright position and you collided with something hard. At first you fought, it was dark and you couldn’t see but the strong arms around you gripped you tightly. You took a ragged breath and realised it was Kylo holding you, on instinct you grabbed him digging your fingers into his top as you tried to tell yourself you were safe. 

‘I saw.’ He mumbled against the top of your hair.

‘You did?’ You felt him nod slightly. ‘What does it mean?’ You whispered.

‘I —I don’t know.’ He went to pull away but you gripped onto him tighter, you weren’t ready to be alone. ‘I can stay, I can sit in the living area.’

‘Oh,’ you felt slightly deflated that he didn’t want to stay in here with you. ‘Ok.’ He pulled away again and this time you let him slide from your grasp, you squirmed as he took a few steps to the door. ‘Stay here with me!’ You blurted out much louder than you had intended. You moved more to the side so there was room for him, your eyes darted to him nervously. ‘I can’t face being alone. Not....not right now.’ He padded around the bed and gently laid himself on top of the covers staring at the ceiling, one hand behind his head the other on his chest. You rolled away from him biting your lip, instantly you knew this was too much. You could feel yourself getting agitated, maybe sharing a bed with him hadn’t been the best idea? You sighed a couple of times before rolling over to face him. His eyes were open from what you could see in the dim light. The more you looked at him the more you wanted him to look at you, touch you. You ground your teeth slightly and tried to close your eyes but it only made things worse as your imagination ran away with you. Your eyes snapped open to find him now staring at you. 

‘You feel it to.’ He said softly. He’d said those words to you before, in the lift — right before he’d kissed you. Desire shot through you and you pressed your legs together trying to ignore the heat gathering between them. 

‘Yes.’ You whispered. His hand reached out and gently moved a strand of hair out of your face and tucked it behind your ear, the touches sent goosebumps running down your arms and shivers down your spine, ‘Kylo....’ he leant forward and pressed his lips against yours his hand tucked into your neck pulling you to him. You dragged yourself across the bed to press yourself against him as he turned his body to fully face you. You snaked your arms around his neck as you deepened the kiss, you concentrated on the feel of his warm body flush against yours and you could feel your heat rising, you moaned softly as he trailed a hand down your side, he rolled so he was now on top of you. You tried to wrap your legs around him but they were trapped under him in the blanket, he rested his elbows either side of you as he carried on kissing you. You sucked on his lower lip and he moaned ever so slightly and tensed on top of you. He looked at you, really looked at you as he raised himself onto his hands, you slowly went to run your hands up his back but he sat up suddenly pulling himself out of your reach and running a hand through this hair making him look even more attractive. 

‘What’s wrong?’ You asked sitting up on one elbow.

‘I should go in the other room.’ He slipped off bed and then he was gone before you could say anything. You huffed and lay back down on the bed. Well you weren’t going to sleep now were you? 

Kylo shut your bedroom door and let out a quiet sigh. He rubbed a hand over his face as he remembered the way you had kissed him. He had felt the desire growing in you as it had been growing in him, but feeling your hands on his back had made him feel cold. Once you felt those scars there would be no going back, you’d find him ugly, repulsive and then everything would be ruined. He wasn’t a patch on your  _perfect pilot_ he thought. He silently made his way to the sofa and lowered himself onto it. He had no experience in this, he didn’t know what to do. What if you realised and that turned you away from him as well? He wasn’t good enough for you he decided. He wasn’t good enough for anyone. The constant feeling of self loathing crept back up on him and he closed his eyes just wishing he could open up to you fully. But he was a monster. And monsters never deserve love. 

When you woke the next morning you still felt tired, but the jug of Caf on your beside table made you smile. You grabbed it and took it into the living area, which was empty. Of course he would leave before you woke. If he had stayed at all. You grabbed an empty cup and filled it with the cold Caf, you downed it in one and instantly felt better, you padded over to the bathroom and switched the shower on. You spent ages just relaxing in the hot water. When you got out you started braiding your wet hair and your datapad made a ping noise. You checked the message, it was stating you had a training season with Vicrul. You frowned, bit unusual but would do you some good to get some physical activity done. You dressed in a long sleeved black top and your supple leather leggings along with your soft boots, they were beginning to look a little worn and you made a mental note to request some more. You grabbed your lightsaber and walked to the training area. Vicrul was already there. 

‘Hey,’ you said. ‘What am I learning today?’ 

‘Hand to hand combat.’ 

‘Oh,’ you looked down at your saber. ‘So I don’t need this?’ He shook his head. You put it down and turned to face him. 

‘So, hit me.’ 

‘Where?’

‘Anywhere, just hit me.’ You clenched your fist and went to hit him in the side of his face, he easily dodged grabbed your hand and twisted your wrist before releasing you. 

‘Damn. You’re fast.’ You muttered as you shook your hand out. 

‘And you’re slow. How are you still alive?’ You shrugged. 

‘I’ve never fought hand to hand before. Give me a knife though....’ 

‘Yeah I’ve witnessed that, but that’s throwing knives, you’re all about distance fighting. Did you see how Ap’lek bested you the other day?’ 

‘Felt it too.’

‘Exactly. Ok so, let’s start with hitting me, here.’ He pointed to the centre of his chest. ‘As hard as you can.’ You clenched your fist again and punched him, pain shot up your wrist and you withdrew sharply.

‘Oh ouch!’ He blinked at you. 

‘What was that a pat on the back? Come on you.  Hit me .’ And so your spare time was filled with Vicrul teaching you how to fight with your hands, you were a quick learner but you still ended each day battered, bruised and down right exhausted. It meant no dreams or visions though so you were grateful for that. You didn’t see Kylo much, there were rumours flying around there was a spy on board and he was busy trying to weedle them out. The resistance were getting their information from somewhere and you were just grateful you weren’t on the radar. You collapsed on to your bed and stared up at the ceiling, unprompted Poe popped into your mind and you felt that tinge of sadness that always hovered on the peripherals of your emotions. You growled out loud and stomped off to the shower, you refused to give in today. 

Once you were clean you crept into bed you started to drift off when something made you sit up. It was Kylo, he was in pain. Without thinking you left your quarters and dived into his, you could hear heavy breathing coming from his bedroom and you opened the door. You gasped as you looked at his tense body on the bed, his back was arched and his legs were curling under him, you could see the cords in his neck as he strained. He was having a nightmare. You reached for him and put a hand on his bare arm, instantly you were pulled into the pain and torture he was receiving from Snoke. The tall man was cackling widely as Kylo convulsed on the floor. 

‘ _You are not worthy._ ’  Snoke struck him again with the blue lightening. ‘ _You are not worthy of your bloodline.....you are not worthy of your power..._ ’  You tried to reach out to Kylo but something was keeping you apart, his eyes opened and they locked with yours. He knew you were there but he just couldn’t free himself. ‘ _You are a monster. A failure. And — you are not worthy — of her._ ’  You were laying on the hard floor your hand outstretched for Kylo, and even though he was being struck by the lightning he managed to reach for you. As soon as your fingers touched you were both released, you became aware you were both breathing hard in the stillness of his bedroom, your hands holding tightly onto each other. You relaxed, your top half resting on his bed as your legs sagged on the floor. You thought your visions were bad, but that was horrific. You both lay there in the dark your hands still connected not wanting to let go of each other. Finally you looked up, the movement seemed to startle Kylo and he snatched his hand away from yours.

‘Are you ok?’ He nodded as he sat up wrapping his arms around himself. ‘Do you want me to sta...’

‘No you can go.’ Your face fell at his harsh tone and he refused to meet your eyes. 

‘Fine.’ You got up and traipsed back to your room, but you paused at your door. You turned around and marched back into Kylo’s, he looked surprised as you barrelled back in, he was stood in the living area holding a glass of water. You squared up to him and jabbed him in the chest with your finger. 

‘I am  _sick_ of this. I am  _sick_ of feeling like I don’t belong. I am  _sick_ of not knowing whether I am coming or going and I am  _sick_ of your mind games!!’ He tried to lean away from you but you had him cornered against the side. ‘I am also _sick_ of constantly thinking that every decision I make is the wrong one!’ You glared at him. ‘I _want_ you Kylo. I  want you.’ He stared at you and as the seconds ticked by you thought, maybe you’d made a mistake. Again. You began to walk backwards. ‘I can see, yet again, I made the wrong...’ 

‘No. Don’t.’ He clenched his fists as he stared at you. ‘Don’t go.’ He closed his eyes for a second and then pinned you with his stare once again, frustration became evident on his face and he slammed his fist on the table. ‘I am no good at this!’ He roared. You flinched slightly as his anger at himself came across your bond. ‘I have — haven’t — I don’t know,’ he slammed his fist on the table again and you curled yours as the pain started. ‘I don’t know what to do!’ He advanced on you his eyes slightly wild. ‘What do you need me to do?!’ He grabbed your upper arms. ‘What should I be doing?’ He said more softly this time, his hands trembled as they gripped your bare skin, it burned where he touched you and your lips parted as you breathed sharply.   
You wanted him.  You needed him to touch you, kiss you,  _own you_. The primal need rose up fiercely in you and his eyes grew dark, his grip lessened on you as he felt it too, the need for each other bounced along your bond between you. Slowly he withdrew from you and you made a noise of frustration. Two steps took you to chest to chest with him, you reached up and pulled his lips to yours. You didn’t care about being gentle, you were done with gentle. His hands slid up your back and into your hair and you moaned against his mouth as his touch sizzled all the way up your spine. He started backing up towards the bedroom but not breaking the kiss almost as if he thought if he broke it, that would be it. You both fell onto the bed, Kylo wrapping his arms around you holding you to him as he rolled you over so you were beneath him. His large hands roamed over what he could touch of you but he was being grabby and heavy handed, his hips rutted into you as he groaned.

‘Kylo..,’ you gasped as he grabbed one your breasts under your shirt. ‘Too hard..’ he didn’t seem to hear you as he smashed his face into yours kissing you roughly. ‘Kylo — Kylo stop!’ You pushed on his chest, his eyes black as he looked at you, his chest heaved as he tried to control his breathing. You could feel his confusion through the fog of desire across your bond. ‘Slow down.’ You raised yourself up and kissed his cheek gently. ‘Slow down,’ you whispered and kissed his other cheek, he flinched as you kissed his scar. You went to slide your hands under his top and you felt him tense up. ‘What’s wrong?’ He breathed roughly through his nose as he closed his eyes, you could feel his anxiety clawing it’s way through him. 

‘Scars,’ he croaked. ‘I have scars from — various — encounters.’ You frowned. 

‘Sexual?’ His eyes widened in horror and he sat up. 

‘No.’ He perched on the end of the bed running a hand through his hair. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t....’ he began to mumble but you cut across him. 

‘I don’t care.’ 

‘What?’

‘I don’t care how many scars you have, if you don’t want me to see them, then I won’t see them.’ You got off the bed and stood in front of him. He didn’t move so you grabbed his arms and put them around you leaving you space to straddle his lap. He tensed as you sat down heavily and wrapped your arms round his neck bringing his face to yours you kissed him. At first he didn’t respond but then his grip tightened around your waist as he kissed you back. You slowly rubbed yourself against him and with a thrill you felt how hard he was for you. He pulled at your top and you raised your arms so he could slide it off you with ease, he sighed as he looked at you, admiring you. 

_So beautiful_. You slid off his lap and got under the covers on his bed and he followed sliding in with you pulling you too him. You tugged at the waistband of his pyjamas and he moaned softly as you grabbed him and he shuddered with pleasure at your touch. Suddenly he tensed and his eyes flew open and panic seized him. He pulled himself away from you his eyes darting about wildly. 

‘Kylo! Look at me.’ His eyes focused on you and he flinched as you went to touch him, reassure him. ‘Talk to me.’ You whispered. Your need for him quelled slightly seeing how worried he was, right now he needed something other than sex. He swallowed loudly as you propped yourself up on his pillows and pulled the blanket up to cover you. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ You stated. 

‘Can — can I just hold you?’ He sounded so tired, so worn out that your heart nearly broke for him, you nodded and before you could react he scooted over wrapping his arms tightly around you laying his head on your chest. He was trembling slightly and you wondered what the hell had been done to this poor man, you felt a rush of hatred for whoever had mistreated him. You slowly ran your hands in his hair and in no time at all he was asleep leaning heavily on you, breathing deeply. You felt sleep creeping up on you and you snuggled down enjoying his warmth and not being alone. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just add, you generally don’t bleed from a lightsaber wound because it cauterises the flesh, but I wanted it to be dramatic and so did the Cave.

Kylo opened his eyes and realised he was still holding you. He felt refreshed for a change so he must have slept well, he hugged you gently as you breathed evenly clearly still asleep. He wanted to get up, put distance between you as the familiar feeling of panic clawed at him. Everything good had always been taken away from him or twisted for Snoke’s gain, all in the name of the dark side. But you were something else, something pure, there was a warmth to you that Kylo couldn’t place and it had such an effect on him. You made him feel better, a better person just  _better_ . He couldn’t describe it any other way. He was ashamed his fears had gotten the best of him last night but he was grateful you had stayed and not run away.  
He chewed his lip slightly, if you did run away now he wasn’t sure what he would do. He couldn’t be without you again not now he’d had a taste of what he could have with you. Slowly he shifted so he could lay next to you and gaze at your face. He wanted to open up to you so much but the things he’d endured the things he’d done, it might be too much for you, he didn’t want to frighten you off. 

How does someone admit that they’re broken?

That they’re damaged goods? 

But he also knew if he shut you out you wouldn’t stand for that either. With a sigh he got up quietly and padded to the bathroom, he felt so torn but either way he could lose you again and that terrified him. 

You yawned and stretched with a loud groan as you spread across the empty bed. You sat up sharply, where was he? You saw the light spilling out from under the door of the bathroom and guessed he was in there. You grabbed your top and pulled it back on just before the door opened and he came back in, he still looked a bit sleepy and his hair was all tousled where you had been rubbing your fingers through it. He was so good looking, so tall, his shoulders were so wide.....his brown eyes locked with yours and you blushed slightly. 

‘Morning.’ You said softly. ‘Did you sleep ok?’ He nodded and stood awkwardly at the side of the bed. ‘Do you have a busy morning?’ 

‘We have that meeting this morning.’ You refrained from rolling your eyes, another meeting with High Command about some boring shit. You just stand there and look bored at these things as you have no tactical experience so you let it all go over your head. ‘You could learn you know.’ 

‘Sorry, I didn’t realise I was projecting.’ 

‘You’re always projecting.’ 

‘Why can’t I hear you all the time?’ His head jerked slightly at your question and he worried his lip with his teeth. 

‘You don’t listen hard enough.’ He grabbed his clothes and boots and went back into the bathroom shutting the door. You sat there stunned as his sudden turn around. 

_I will try and listen better_.  You didn’t get a response and with a sigh you left his bed and went to dart into your quarters before anyone saw you. 

You stood there, your hood covering half your face as you listened to the meeting going on, they were talking about what planet to take over next, Coruscant had been so successful they were going to do it again. You tried to contain your rage as they spoke about murdering millions of people again. Why did Kylo allow this to happen? 

‘If we show we are ridding the galaxy of criminal filth we will get more support from the mid rim planets. Kijimi has been a sore spot for a long time, the New Republic could never contain them. But we can.’ You curled your lip at Hux’s little speech. Go in guns blazing, kill everyone. Great tactic. All these apparently amazing tactical geniuses and this is what they come up with?

‘We need to do more than just take over the planet.’ You stiffened as Allegiant General Pryde spoke up. He had been a general under Palpatine’s rule and to be perfectly honest he frightened you. ‘Why don’t we blow it up?’ His suggestion was followed with stunned silence until Hux broke it. 

‘We don’t have anything that powerful anymore.’ He said curtly. 

‘I have come into possession of a ship, it has planet destroying capabilities.’ Kylo sat up straighter and you could tell his interest was peaked, so was yours. Where would he have got a ship like that? Without Kylo knowing? ‘I had it commissioned ages ago, experimenting with technology and it’s finally ready,’ he said dismissively. 

_He’s lying..._.

_I know_. 

‘It’s at your disposal Supreme Leader.’ The way how he said Kylo’s title had you squirming inside, something about this man repulsed you. Almost as much as Snoke repulsed you. 

‘Take it Allegiant General, send a broadcast, get the attention of the resistance, then if the planet won’t surrender, start a count down.’ 

‘Yes Supreme Leader.’ He said softly with a smirk. 

‘Are we done?’ 

‘Nothing else on the agenda sir,’ replied Hux. Kylo left and you followed him. Your stomach felt heavy with guilt as you followed the man who had the final say on the lives of all these people. 

Did it not weigh on him as it did you? And you didn’t give the order. Kylo led you to the training ground and you shed your cloak, no one else was here and you were grateful for that. Kylo lit his saber and you twirled yours on as you faced off with each other. Everyday now you had a hand to hand session with Vicrul and a lightsaber session with Kylo. You had noticed an improvement in your skills, if you can say that when you punch Vicrul and it doesn’t hurt, an improvement. You traded blows with Kylo neither of you saying word as you danced across the wide space. His lightsaber flickered angrily whenever you struck it and sparks flew, is that how Kylo felt? Wild, unbalanced, broken? 

‘Move your feet!’ You swiftly brought your saber up and side stepped as his passed millimetres from you the heat grazing your skin. ‘Concentrate.’ He growled. 

‘I can’t.’ You snapped. He huffed and switched his saber off. 

‘Gather some supplies together. We can train somewhere else.’

‘Off the ship?’ You asked excitedly. He nodded before striding off but you felt your heart sing, you wondered where you were going. Maybe somewhere as beautiful as Naboo? Or somewhere with an ocean! You packed some clothes and some food, you weren’t sure how long you were going for but details were never Kylo’s strong point. 

_Meet me in the hanger._ You excitedly stamped you feet before grabbing your bag and running off to find him. He stood at on the ramp of his command shuttle giving Hux orders, as you neared you could hear the tone of Hux’s voice and knew he wasn’t happy about this trip. 

‘Have a safe trip Supreme Leader. Commander.’ He sneered as you passed him to head into the shuttle. 

‘Thank you General,’ you replied with a wide false smile on your face. He huffed and marched away, his immaculate boots clicking on the smooth surface of the hanger. You and Kylo walked up into the ship and to your surprise you found it empty. 

‘Is the crew not coming?’ 

‘I can fly my own ship.’ The engines roared to life and you sat in the co pilots seat as you sped away from the fleet. Kylo put in some co ordinates and the familiar rushing white lights of hyperspace manifested before your eyes. The silence, you would never get over how silent hyperspace was, every breath you took every button that clicked just sounded a hundred times louder than it really was. You turned to see Kylo looking at you. ‘You haven’t asked where we’re going.’ You shrugged.

‘I figured you’d tell me when you’re ready.’ 

‘Dagobah.’ You frowned, never heard of it. 

‘Is it beautiful like Naboo?’ You said smiling as you remembered the crystal clear waters, the green grass and the way Poe’s body felt.....your smile died wishing you’d never brought up Naboo, or thought about Poe. 

‘No.’ He replied abruptly. ‘It’s time to face everything you’ve been running from.’ You frowned at him. 

‘I’m not running from anything.’ He grunted softly but he didn’t retaliate. 

‘I suggest you get some rest. You’re going to need it.’ You sighed and headed to the back of the shuttle, it had no living quarters so you hadto lay on some seats and that wasn’t too comfortable. You turned away from the front of the ship hoping to lessen the bright lights of hyperspace. Your thoughts instantly centred on Poe, what was he doing? The resistance had been pretty quiet recently, but no doubt they were waiting to make a move. This attack on Kijimi will certainty kick start something off. You sighed and tried to get more comfortable, you finally succumbed to sleep as you listened to Kylo’s steady breathing, the only noise to break the silence in the shuttle. 

Dagobah. The air was thick and heavy with humidity, the ground squelched under your boots and it smelled of rotting vegetation. The sounds of animals filled the air but what you felt the most was the strength of the force here, it curled around you infiltrating everything around you, the hairs on the your arms stood on end giving you goosebumps. You followed Kylo through the thick jungle moving branches and vines out of your way and stepped gingerly over huge roots that poked up from the ground. 

‘How do you know about this place?’ Your voice sounded slightly muffled and it didn’t echo due to the thick air.

‘Snoke brought me.’ He stopped at the entrance of a cave. ‘Here.’ You peered inside but all you could see was darkness. Something made you feel weary, your senses were on high alert as the energy in this cave was different to the rest. ‘I will wait for you here.’ 

‘You’re not coming?’ Panic edged your voice as you turned to look at him. 

‘This is something you must do.’ His voice was calm but something just didn’t seem right, you couldn’t put your finger on it. 

‘Ok,’ you said shakily as you took the first step inside. Kylo just stood and watched as you were swallowed up by the darkness. You shuffled your feet forward trying to concentrate on your breathing but anxiety was threatening to overwhelm you. Suddenly you heard a series of beeps echo down the tunnel. A droid? Here? You stopped as BB8 rolled out from around the corner urging you to follow him. 

‘BB8, wait!’ But he shot off, you scrambled to catch up with him only catching glimpses of him as you got deeper and deeper in the cave. Suddenly the sound of a blaster shooting at you made you duck and it sizzled into the root above your head. You looked up in surprise to see Poe standing before you. He was in a pale shirt and worn leather trousers, his holster belt wrapped around his hips and strapped to his leg like normal and your eyes drunk him in. His brown eyes, his dark curly hair and the permanent stubble on his face, relief flooded you as you looked at his familiar beautiful face. 

‘What are you doing here?’ You went to step towards him but he raised the blaster. ‘Poe, what are you doing?’ His eyes flashed as he looked at you, a tear ran down his cheek as he aimed. ‘No wait!’ You cried out but he fired again, only your reflexes saved you as your lightsaber deflected the shot harmlessly away. 

‘You left me.’ He snarled and fired again. 

‘Poe I don’t want to hurt you!’ You backed up as he fired off more shots, he stepped towards you his face twisted in anger and sadness as tears shone in his eyes. You could feel your own sadness welling in your chest along with the realisation he was going to kill you. You rolled away from him but he spun and blasted you again, it struck the hilt of your saber and it flew from your grasp. 

‘You need to pick a side.’ He spat at you. ‘It’s either me  or _you_.’  Your back was pressed against the earthy wall and the roots dug in but all you could concentrate on was the torture on Poe’s face.  
You did this, you did this to him. He brought the blaster up to crack you round the face with it but you blocked with your forearm making him drop the weapon. The force flowed through you as you dodged his flying fists, tears threatened to fall as you realised there was only one outcome to this fight. You fell as your feet got tangled in a root you cried out as pain lanced up your elbows to your shoulders. You tried to crawl away but Poe grabbed your hair lifting you right up off the floor and you screamed as pain flared on your scalp, his breath hot on the side of your face as he brought you close to him.

‘I  fucking hate you. I am going to watch the life leave your eyes and throw your limp body back at that monster you claim to love so much,’ you couldn’t control the sobs as they racked your body, you cried out again as he yanked on your hair, you felt the despair and hopelessness you had been holding back flood you and you went limp in his grasp. You deserved this, maybe you should let him end your life. You opened your eyes and saw Kylo step through the swirling mist, he stood there his head cocked slightly as he took in the scene before him. Poe snarled and pulled you towards him. ‘He doesn’t care about you.’ He whispered in your ear. 

‘Kylo.....help me.’ You croaked. Kylo smirked slightly his eyes glinted with a light you’d never seen before. 

‘You need to fight for yourself,’ was all he said. You couldn’t help but feel downhearted and you felt yourstrength leave you. 

‘See?’ You flinched from Poe’s face, his cheek grazing against yours. ‘He doesn’t want you. Hell, I don’t want you.’ Poe threw you down on the floor and you gripped the earth in your fists, anger began to coil inside you.  _This isn’t real_.  Neither of these men would treat you like this no matter what you did. You called your saber to you and lit it before leaping up to face Poe, his blaster shots ricocheted around you as you furiously deflected them until suddenly they stopped. His eyes widened as he stared at your face and his jaw went slack. 

‘Poe?’ You looked down and saw your lightsaber had pierced his chest, he spluttered and blood spewed from his mouth splattering your face. Horror gripped you as you switched your saber off and you caught him as he sagged against you. ‘No no no no Poe look at me! Don’t you dare die on me!’ Blood flowed over your hands as you placed them over the wound, tears fell from your eyes and you could hear your sobs echoing around you. He coughed again and more blood leaked out the corner of his mouth. ‘Poe stay with me! Somebody help!’ You cradled him in your lap as the colour drained from his face. You cried out again but just your voice echoed back at you, accentuating how alone you were in this moment. Slowly Poe stopped moving and his eyes grew dull as he sighed one last time in your embrace. 

‘ _Nooooooooo_!’ The scream ripped your throat and tears blurred your vision as the enormity of what you had done dawned on you. You sobbed violently as you clutched Poe to you. Already he felt cold, then suddenly your arms were empty, he just vanished and you were just holding onto thin air. But the heartache remained, you couldn’t stop the flood of emotion as it stormed through you. 

‘I hate this!!’ You screamed and you swear the cave shook. 

‘Look at you. Pitiful.’ You spun round and saw a lone figure approaching you, the familiar black cape billowed out behind her and her lightsaber flashed before you. You wiped your face leaving a streak of dirt as you tried to comprehend that Rey was now in front of you. She sniggered at you. ‘Such a waste of power.’ 

‘What do you want? You keep haunting me, why won’t you leave me alone?’ She charged and you blocked her, your red sabers clashing in a shower of sparks. 

‘I can see why they abandoned you.’ She saidas she shoved you backwards. ‘Your parents.’ Your blood ran cold as you acknowledged her words. 

‘What do you know of my parents?’ 

‘Only that they didn’t love you, they didn’t want you, so they dumped you on the first backwater planet they could find.’ You traded more blows as she rushed you again, her red and yellow eyes flashed in the flickering light. 

‘You’re lying.’ You heaved her back and she began to pace round the cave, you mirrored her movements. 

‘Am I? I know who they are, I know who  you are.’ She pointed the saber directly at you. ‘He is in danger. What happened here,’ she pointed to the empty space where Poe had just died in your arms not moments before. ‘It will happen if you don’t chose a side. If you don’t realise your potential. If you don’t embrace who you are.’ With a yell you leapt at her crashing your lightsaber down on her, you could hear her laughing, it echoed around you but she was nowhere to be seen. ‘ _Embrace who you are.._.’  her voice whispered in your ear but she wasn’t there. 

‘Fuck this.’ You pulled the force towards you, dragging the cave in on itself, destroying it, destroying the visions, and hopefully destroying yourself in the process. You closed your eyes as the weight of the rock and earth fell on you, you embraced the pain as it crushed you.

Kylo fell to his knees as he felt his the air rush out of his lungs, it felt as if all his bones were breaking at once and he writhed on the ground, but even in the fog of the pain he knew he had to get to you. Dust billowed out of the entrance of the cave and he hard the sound of falling rocks as they tumbled down. He pulled himself upright and began to look for the point of the collapse, you had travelled quite deep and the terrain was difficult to climb. He used the force to jump as high as he could and he saw the hole you had created. He landed roughly and grunted, noticing that was his own pain he felt, you were fading.  
In his frenzy to find you he pulled all the rocks and threw them to the side, he felt exhausted but he had to find you. Terror gripped him as he saw your hand poking out of the rubble, he pulled more rocks off you flinging them at the trees around him, he pulled your lifeless broken body out and collapsed on the floor with you. His breath came in short gasps as panic seized him, the familiar tightness in his chest rocked him and he struggled to concentrate. 

You were covered in earth and grime and you were limp as he blindly clutched you too him, tears blurring his vision as he began to pour the force into you. He didn’t know what he was doing but it felt right, he concentrated, imagining filling you with light and warmth. He felt a light touch on his arm and he looked down to see you staring up at him, he chocked back a sob and buried your face into his neck gripping you tightly, feeling you move against him as you gripped back just as hard. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes as a cascade of emotions washed over him. He had nearly lost you, his brain froze refusing to compute what could have happened. 

‘Are you ok?’ His voice was thick as he choked back more tears. 

‘I am now.’ You curled your fingers in his soft hair breathing him in. He came for you, he pulled you from the rubble, he saved you. You leant back and looked at the man who had just rescued you, his face was streaked with dirt but his brown eyes looked at you with such emotion you felt overcome. You pulled his face to you and kissed him, you felt him clutch you as he kissed you back. Without another word he picked you up and took you back to the shuttle. He gently placed you on the chair next to him and he broke the atmosphere of the planet within minutes. You stared out into the inky darkness of space and looked at the tiny pinpricks of light all around you, the sight would never cease to amaze you. Kylo made the jump to hyperspace and you zoned out to the white rushing lights. You sighed as he picked you up and placed you on his lap holding you to his warm chest. You weren’t sure how long you sat there together in silence just being with each other. You relaxed fully against him and you tried not to think about what had happened in the cave, but Poe’s voice haunted you. Tumbling about inside your head tormenting you, the look in his eyes as you stabbed him.....you buried your face into Kylo’s chest breathing him in, he was here he was real. 

You must have dozed as the next thing you know you were being lifted up and you could hear the noise of the hanger back on the ship, you heard Kylo request a medical droid be sent to his quarters as he walked with you in his arms like you weighed nothing. Once you were in the privacy of his quarters he laid you down on the bed and you finally opened your eyes. He instructed the droid to scan you and then he went to leave.

‘Where are you going?’ You said a bit more shrilly than you intended. He looked back at you his face softening slightly.

‘I’ll be back I promise.’ 

‘Lay down please.’ The droid said. You watched Kylo leave the room and you felt anxious that he was gone. You lay flat on the bed telling yourself he was coming back and not to panic, but the feelings rose in your chest, the tightening started and your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest. 

‘You need to calm down.’ You shot a look at the droid. ‘Your heart rate is high,’ you ground your teeth together as you started to sweat. ‘Here.’ The droid jabbed you in the arm and you gasped. 

‘Shouldn’t you ask permission first?’ You snapped. 

‘I am a medical droid, I do what is necessary. I do not need permission.’ You glared at it as you rubbed your arm and sat up on the bed. 

‘What did you give me?’

‘A sedative. The Supreme Leader said you needed rest. He is not wrong.’ The droid wheeled to the end of the bed. ‘I am done now. Call me if you need me.’ Your eyelids droppedand you slumped against the bed, whatever the droid gave you it was strong, and you hoped it was strong enough to stop you from dreaming. 

The room was dark when you came to and you gripped the blankets round you as you tried to get your bearings. You noticed the door was cracked open and a soft light seeped through. You slowly got out of bed and noticed your outer armour had been stripped and you were just in your long sleeved top and leggings, the floor felt cold on your bare feet as you padded silently over.You peered through the opening and saw Kylo sitting at little desk you’d never noticed before, curiosity consumed you as you took in his hunched over posture. 

‘What are you doing?’ You said out loud, you flinched slightly as he cursed and leapt up from the table his chair tipping over with the force of his movement. To your amusement you saw he seemed nervous as he puffed out his cheeks and ran his hands through his dark hair. 

‘I didn’t realise you were awake.’ You walked towards him trying to get a look at the desk. 

‘What were you doing?’ 

‘How are you feeling?’ You tried to look around him but he angled himself so you couldn’t see the desk. 

‘Kylo, I just want to have a look.’ You looked up at him and noticed how he was avoiding your eyes and worrying his lip with his teeth. ‘What’s wrong?’ His entire body was tense and his fist clenched.

‘If — if you see — think differently,’ he mumbled but your curiosity wouldn’t let up. What could the big bad Supreme Leader of the First Order be doing that would make you think differently of him? You went to gently move him aside expecting him to resist but he moved easily. The desk came into view and you gasped, parchment was scattered all over the desk, ink dripped out of the nib of a quill but what caught your eye was the picture. It was a picture of you, the wind was in your hair and the stars were all around you and at the top in fancy flowing writing was your name. You stared in wonder as you looked it. 

‘Did you draw this?’ You asked as you gingerly picked up the drawing. 

‘I did.’ His tone was clipped but you could feel the nervous tension rolling off of him. 

‘Kylo it’s beautiful,’ you breathed. 

‘It....it is?’ He sounded surprised. 

‘Can I keep it?’ You looked up at him again and it seemed like you were seeing him for the first time. For the first time you really saw him as  human.  He wasn’t all darkness, sadness and anger he was capable of so much more, and you had brought that out of him. You smiled up at him as his eyes locked with yours. 

‘Yes. I — I drew it for you.’ To your surprise he began to turn a shade of pink as he blushed and shifted nervously. 

‘Thank you.’ You walked back to the bedroom clutching the picture to you, you didn’t want to put it down incase you were dreaming and it felt so real in your hands. Everything you had been through recently crashed in upon you and your step faltered, it was like this picture, this simple gesture from him opened a flood gate of emotions and you couldn’t contain them.  
You groaned as you tried not to cry out loud but the tears came thick and fast even though you squeezed your eyes shut. Your shoulders shook and you put an arm across your stomach as you leant against the wall, you felt like you were breaking, your soul ripping in half, and it hurt. Even through the haze of the ache, you felt his hands touching you burning imprints on your skin. He picked you up and sat on the bed with you as you cried, you could hear him murmuring but you couldn’t understand what he was saying, just the comforting rumble through his chest reached your ears as he held you there. Slowly the sobs subsided and you became aware that he had put a blanket over you both, his grip on you was still tight but you didn’t want to move anyway. You felt safe here against his chest, listened to his human heart beating rhythmically in your ears, the warmth from his body seeping into you. 

‘I’m sorry,’ you whispered. His arm tensed on you, but it was such a minute motion you almost missed it, you shifted so you could look up at him. 

Kylo looked into your still wet eyes and he felt his heart swell, he had felt your pain and he rode it out with you. He knew exactly what you needed because he had needed the same after he came out of the cave but he had hidden that all from Snoke. Locked it deep within him so he didn’t have to deal with it. He marvelled at how strongly you felt  all  of your emotions, how you just let them flow and then they dulled and you carried on. The only emotion he let rule him was anger, or it used to be. But here now, with you, he felt something else entirely. It spread through him like a wildfire as it raced through this body, his heart started thumping and his palms felt slightly clammy as he looked at you. He took a shakey breath and gently rubbed his knuckles on your cheek, you nuzzled into his touch and he uncoiled his hand and spread his fingers into your hair. _Stars_ , you felt so soft, so warm. He tilted your head up and brought his lips down to caress yours, he felt a thrill as you placed your hand on his cheek. Desire shot through him and he pulled away from you sharply taking a breath to try and steady himself, the force of it shocked him to his core. He went to turn away and get off the bed but you stopped him with a hand on his broad chest, he looked at you his eyes wide as you applied pressure and made him lay back down. He felt anxious being in this position but then you straddled him and all other thoughts went out of his mind. Feeling your legs either side of him stoked the fire inside him and he could feel himself growing and swelling beneath you. You leant forward your soft hair falling into his eyes as your lips ghosted over his cheek, his neck and collarbone, Kylo ran his hands up your thighs as he could feel your warm lips on his bare skin, it incensed him. He grabbed your neck and pulled your lips to his again, his hips bucked slightly and you moaned into his mouth. Your hands pulled on his T-shirt and he tensed catching one of your hands with his.

‘It’s ok,’ you whisper. Slowly he released your hand keeping his eyes magnetised to yours as you rolled his shirt up. He closed his eyes as he felt your hair trailing over his now bare chest, he tensed again and took a deep breath as you kissed him gently. You sat up and tugged on his top again, he leant forward and yanked it over his head and at the same time you discarded yours as well. Kylo’s put his large hands on your back as he kissed you, your bare chest rubbed against his but all that he could process was how soft you felt to him, how smooth your skin was against his calloused hands. He moved his lips down to kiss your throat and collarbone like you had done to him but he could feel his control slipping away as the need inside him grew.  
He rolled you onto your back laying his whole body on you, you brought your legs up either side of his hips and he could feel you pushing against his hardness. He curled his fingers in the waistband of your leggings and yanked them down roughly, you lifted up to help him and his eyes raked over your now naked form. Your eyes watched him as he took you all in committing this moment to his memory. He fell on you kissing you hungrily, he pulled his bottoms off and kicked them off the bed, he flinched slightly as you palmed him slowly dragging your hand up and down and over the tip spreading his precum with your thumb. He slid his hand down to touch you and his breath hitched as you arched your back at his touch, you were so wet so ready for him, slowly he pushed a finger inside and you groaned loudly thrusting your hips up. He withdrew, he couldn’t wait anymore. You tugged him to your entrance he pushed inside and gasped loudly at the sensation of filling you, feeling all of you at once. You ground your hips and he started moving pulling himself out and in again, his mind shattered at the sensation, his need drove him to go faster as well your moaning that ripped through the darkness. He could feel his release coming and he tried to grab onto something to support himself as he pushed harder into you, he grabbed your wrists and pinned them above your head tightly his large hand spanning both of them easily. Your eyes were squeezed shut as your cries of pleasure pierced through his haze of lust. 

You could feel him filling you with every thrust reaching that perfect spot every time, you couldn’t contain the noises you were making as his skin rubbed against yours. Your wrists felt numb as he gripped them using them as an anchor, your arms were stretched to their limit, you wanted to bring your hands down and touch his skin. He felt you try and tug them out of his grip which made him growl and tighten his grip. You could feel your orgasm coming fast and you forced your eyes open to look at him, his eyes were dark as he leant over you, his strong arms tense with the strain of holding himself up, his hair hung over his sweaty face and his breathing ragged. Seeing your eyes open he kissed you again, you wrapped your legs around his hips connecting him to you as much as possible, your toes started to curl digging your heels into him. You wanted to tell him you were going to cum but you couldn’t get the words out, without thinking you reached him with your mind. 

You could hear his heavy breathing in your ear but time seemed to suspend around you as you reached for him and he reached for you. New feelings, sensations and a rush of lust hit you in a wave, your feelings of pleasure mixed with Kylo’s as your souls melded into one. The bond between you was fully open, images flashed before your eyes, you could hear people speaking far away but all you concentrated on was Kylo’s breathing in your ear, the physical feeling of him inside you, with a hard thrust he tipped both of you over the edge. You both fell into the wave of ecstasy, your legs tensed around him as they shook with the force of your release, Kylo gathered you to him as he growled and trembled with his own orgasm, both lost in the intense feel of each other. 

You laid there for a long time not wanting to move and disturb the bubble of peace you had both created. In the bliss of the afterglow you could hear words whispered in your mind, they weren’t yours and you concentrated on them hoping to hear them better. To your shock you realised it was Kylo, you could  hear  him! 

_So beautiful — never want this to end — love — I love......_ You released a breath you didn’t even know you’d been holding and trailed a hand up his arm. You frowned, you could  feel  it, on your arm. You trailed a hand up his back and he shifted against you and you felt everything. 

‘Oh wow,’ you whispered. 

‘Mmm?’ 

‘I can feel _me_ touching _you_.’ Kylo raised his head to look at you a slight puzzled expression on his face, his eyes were slightly droopy with sleep and his raven black hair was all tousled. ‘Try it,’ you pointed to your arm and his large hand gently trailed over your soft skin, his sharp gasp told you he could feel it too. 

‘That’s new.’ He said softly. In the dim light of the bedroom, looking at him so bare and vulnerable in front of you you felt overwhelmed with love, he looked into your eyes and you knew he felt it to. 


	29. Chapter 29

Kijimi. You looked down on another new planet, reports had come in that some of the resistance were on the planets surface. The Steadfast lowered into the planets atmosphere as you stood and watched the buildings come into view below you. Instantly you felt it, that familiar presence, it was weak but it was there. You looked up at Kylo who stood next to you on the bridge knowing he could sense it too. His face didn’t change but you could see the expression in his eyes, there was nothing either of you could do. Poe had to save himself. 

‘Me and the Commander will lead a platoon each. Have them ready the shuttles.’ You followed the billowing cape of the Supreme Leader feeling gratitude towards him, by putting you on the planet it gave Poe a chance. But you had to be the one to find him. Without looking at each other you went into separate transports, you caught of glimpse of General Hux as he stood at the entrance to the hanger, even from here you could feel the smugness radiating off him but you couldn’t dwell on why you were too busy holding onto the feel of Poe’s aura. 

Troopers were already in the town knocking on doors and questioning people, you spread your platoon out to cover the north side of the town. 

‘Commander, may I suggest we accompany you.’ You wanted to search alone but the Captain would find it suspicious. 

‘Of course Captain but you know I can protect myself.’

‘I don’t doubt that Commander.’ Him and another trooper fell into step with you as you walked the streets, snow fell from the sky and you were grateful for the cloak that covered you. You could hear people shouting, children crying and it tore you up inside, but you had to keep your composure. 

‘We are looking for resistance personnel only. Even if someone is hiding them, we leave them alone they may have had no choice.’ 

‘That’s, compassionate, of you Commander.’ You bristled at the Captain’s tone. 

‘If we killed everyone there would be no one left to rule. And what a boring Galaxy that would make.’ You snapped and lengthened your stride to get ahead of him. Poe was close, you could sense him, sense his fear of being captured. You paused at a doorway knowing this was the way to Poe. ‘Captain, knock on that door round the other side for me, I sense something in this building, I shall stay here and block any escape attempts.’ 

‘Yes Commander.’ As soon as he rounded the corner you opened the door, it was dark and you didn’t hear a sound, but then you felt it, the barrel of a blaster in your temple, his presence filled you with happiness that he was alive but it was short lived as memories of what happened in the cave came rushing back to you. Slowly you turned so the blaster was now pressed against your forehead, you could feel it shake as he looked into your eyes.

‘Poe, they are looking for you,’ you said softly.

‘Fuck, how did you know it was me?’ He whispered furiously back. 

‘Poe she’s a Sith or whatever.’ Finn whispered. You heard a bang on the other door and knew it was the Captain, your eyes widened. 

‘You need to leave, get off this planet! Before....’ you trailed off.

‘Before what?’ Poe’s eyes narrowed at you.

_Don’t tell him. If you want him to live. Don’t tell him_.  Kylo’s voice rung in your mind and you knew he was right. 

‘Before they ransack this place and find you. I can create cover, but you need to leave. Now.’ Another bang on the door put weight behind your words and you stepped aside as they filed out past you, Poe’s eyes lingered on your for just a second and then they were gone. The other door burst open and you lit your lightsaber as the Captain came crashing through the door. 

‘Apologies Captain. It appears my senses are off today. It’s empty.’ You lowered your weapon as his helmet turned in your direction. 

‘I doubt that Commander.’ Something struck you from behind and you fell to the floor, your skull screamed with pain and you felt disorientated, the air rushed out of your lungs as you landed. ‘Allegiant General, I have acquired the Commander.’ You could feel yourself slipping away. ‘Right away Sir. Get her on the transport. She’s going to Exegol. Avoid the Supreme Leader at all costs.’ 

_Kylo_.... Before you blacked out completely you felt an explosion of rage, you tried to hold onto it to stay conscious but it wasn’t enough and you sank into the dark. 

Kylo felt the cool hilt pressing into the palm of his hand as he slashed the console with all of his might, his muscles bulged as his arm came down with a swift stroke, sparks flew but not once did he flinch, he didn’t care, his rage unfurled before everyone as he took it out on the console in front of him. The loss of you crashed down on him and the incompetence of everyone in the First Order infuriated him. He roared, a noise of pure outrage, the console smoked before him but he didn’t see it, all he could see was you, fading before his eyes. You were gone. Someone had taken you, he didn’t know why and he didn’t know where and it scared him. He couldn’t even feel you anymore, it was like you never existed but you  did exist. 

Images clouded his mind, images of you frowning at him, berating him, images of your tear stained face as you looked up at him. His lips quivered as he brought his lightsaber up for another strike tears made his vision blurry and the blinking lights all melded together. It had been two day cycles already, he hadn’t slept and he felt exhausted but he couldn’t stop. He had to find you. Something caught his wrist and he saw Vicrul restraining him, he clicked his lightsaber off and without a word followed his Knight off the bridge. He could feel the relief of the Officers in the wake of his departure, he had wanted to kill every single one of them, but  _you_ wouldn’t have wanted that. He trudged after Vicrul his boots heavy and slow on the hard floor, he didn’t care where he was going all he knew is that you weren’t going to be there. It weighed heavily on him crushing his soul, ripping him in half you were has anchor, his safety blanket. You were  gone . 

Vicrul lead Kylo to a room, all the other Knights stood there in their full armour, battle ready. He blinked a few times not registering them fully. 

‘They took her from us too.’ Trudgen said. 

‘Where shall we start looking Supreme Leader?’ Kylo looked at them all standing before him, his brothers, his protectors. 

‘I don’t know,’ his voice cracked as he realised he really didn’t know where to start.

‘The Resistance,’ Ap’lek sneered. ‘Weren’t they on Kijimi? Did they take her?’ 

Kylo’s mind raced, Poe. The pilot, did he take you? Hope blossomed in his chest and he looked up at the Knights. 

‘Yes,’ he nodded. ‘Yes they were.’ He silently swore if that man had taken you again he’d rip him apart with his bare hands. 

‘Let’s start with Dantooine.’ Said Kuruk.

’Why Dantooine?’ Kuruk shrugged.

’The resistance have an old base there, either it will be empty, or it won’t be.’

‘Let me brief Hux and we’ll take the Buzzard.’ The Knights nodded and Kylo strode off. He didn’t know how long he was going to be gone for and even though he didn’t like Hux, he was a competent leader and the only one Kylo trusted. 

Your head lolled to the side as you started to wake up, your whole body was sore and you gasped as pain throbbed behind your eyes. You went to rub your face but your hand was stuck, you opened your eyes to see your wrists were chained up, you tugged on them testing them and they made a loud tinkling noise as you moved them. 

‘I thought you were never going to wake up.’ You jumped, your head snapped round to see a black cloaked figure stepping out of the shadows. Your body went cold as you realised who it was. ‘You’ve been a sleepy girl...’ she sneered. You went to reach out with the force but pain struck you and you cried out, your back arching as you convulsed. She watched you struggle with a smile. ‘It was designed for Jedi, but it will do for any force user.’ You watched her as she paced in front of you. 

‘Why am I here?’ 

‘Now there’s a question.’ Her voice slithered around you and you were reminded of Snoke. ‘You’re here because we have  unfinished business.’

‘Only because you want something from me,’ you snarled.

‘Oh!’ Her eyes flashed as she stepped towards you. ‘You do have a brain.’ She whispered. 

‘I have nothing to give.’ She laughed, her face twisted with cruel amusement. 

‘Yes, yes you do. My grandfather, oh I apologise,  _our_ grandfather is in need of your Dyad with the Skywalker boy. He thought I would be the one to bond with him, but then you came along.’ Your mind was numb as her words tumbled around in your head. Our grandfather? That made you.... _sisters?_ Rey was your sister? ‘He pulled my body from the wreckage of the Supremacy, and so I was reborn!’ She spread her arms wide. ‘Turns out cloning is a fascinating subject.’ 

‘I don’t understand...’ you whispered.

‘Don’t play stupid with me now!’ Her voice cracked through the air followed by a blinding pain burning all over your body, blue light flickered through your closed eyelids. ‘You understand, I can feel that you do.’

‘W — who is o — our grandfather?’ You stammered.

‘Darth Sidious. He showed me the dark side, what I could be capable of and I embraced it fully.’

‘What of our parents?’ You asked and she scoffed.

‘They are of no consequence, dead anyway little sister I wouldn’t worry.’ Your mind reeled, you had a family, one of the most powerful, supposedly dead, men in the galaxy was apparently your grandfather. Your heart beat quickly and you longed for Kylo but you knew he would never find you here. Wherever here was.

‘Darth Sidious is dead.’ You spat, Rey’s face twisted and her red eyes flashed as she brought her hands up to strike you with the lightning. 

‘You have no idea!’ She shrieked as you convulsed in your chains the pain rolling over you as she struck you again and again. When she stopped you slumped breathing hard, your throat hurt and you must have been screaming and not realised. You were going to die here and you never told Kylo how you really felt about him. 

Kylo motioned and Ap’lek silently passed him, he could sense the excitement rolling off the Knights, the thrill of the hunt, the bloodlust curled round him and he tried to ignore it, he needed these ones alive. Kylo peeled himself away from the wall and stalked towards the closed door, everyone was in position. He force pulled the door off as the Knights streamed in and subdued everyone in the room with a few grunts and curse words, they were done in seconds. As Kylo walked in the first person he saw was the pilot he had been looking for. Poe glared at him, a nice bruise was blossoming under his skin where Cardo had punched him. Hatred rolled of of them all but a Poe’s was the strongest.

‘Well if it isn’t the Supreme Leader himself. You’re a long way from home.’ Kylo eyed him with matching hatred, he cast his senses around but you weren’t here. He paced in front of them feeling his anger growing, ripping his insides up as he fully realised  you weren’t here . He kicked over their table and flicked his lightsaber on pointing it in Poe’s face. 

‘Where is she?’ His voice was controlled and level considering how angry he was. The Knights all tensed in anticipation as they held their prisoners. He turned the blade and looked straight down it into Poe’s eyes.

‘I’m sorry who?’ 

‘Where is Y/N?’ 

‘She not with you because last I saw she was whoring herself to the First Order!’ Feral rage exploded from Kylo at the pilots words and he reached out with his hand and seized Poe’s mind with the force, he could hear him screaming as he forced images to come to the front.  Kijimi , there you were. You looked just as he remembered, your eyes dancing with the light of the force because it was with you always.

‘ _Poe they are looking for you_.’  The sound of your voice echoing in his mind made Kylo quiver as he realised just how much he missed you. The rest of the memory played out and you let the resistance leave, you did not leave with them. He released the pilot who sagged gasping against Cardo. Breathing hard Poe eyed Kylo wearily. 

‘She’s gone?’ Kylo closed his eyes, yes you were gone. And his only lead had just gone cold. ‘What the fuck where is she?!’ Kylo’s eyes snapped open.

‘If I knew that I wouldn’t be here!’ He bellowed. Silence fell on the room as his words sunk in. ‘Someone kidnapped her on Kijimi. We thought it was you...’ Kylo ran a hand through his hair thinking furiously his mind racing, if it wasn’t the resistance could it have been the platoon you were with? He hadn’t read the reports, he’d been too worried that you were gone he didn’t check to see if anyone else was missing. ‘Kuruk, head back to the ship check the reports for the search on Kijimi check if anyone else was missing.’ The Knight left swiftly. Kylo went back to pacing as he waited for a reply.

‘Let me sit down at least.’ Stars, this man was annoying. 

‘Release them,’ said Kylo softly, the disappointment radiated off the Knights in a thick cloud, Cardo shoved Poe down into a seat and let go of his wrists. 

He rubbed them trying to return the blood flow.

‘So I thought you two, you know, had a bond.’ Kylo stopped pacing and turned to face him. Poe shrugged and made a face. ‘Couldn’t you stop them from taking her?’ Kylo stood still as he considered whether to answer or not. You had clearly mentioned things while you had spent time with the resistance but this pilot didn’t know everything. Poe’s eyes darted about nervously as he carried on talking. ‘Y/N made out you guys knew each other inside and out, you appeared to her light years away why can’t you do that now?’ Kylo didn’t know, he had tried everything he could think of to contact you. There was just, nothing. ‘Cat got your tongue?’ Kylo’s eyes flashed dangerously and Cardo smacked the back of Poe’s head causing him to curse loudly. 

‘Someone got to the reports.’ Kuruk returned and Kylo stood still as he processed what he was saying. ‘There is an entry but it’s been corrupted it cannot be read.’ There was a traitor in the First Order, first the spy for the resistance and now this? Kylo could feel his rage building as he stood there his fists clenched tightly and the Knights all tensed waiting for the explosion. Without another word Kylo strode out of the room, there was a pressure on his mind the need to kill everyone he laid eyes on because you were  gone .  


_Breathe_ .

The cool air of the planet breezed through his hair as he strode out of the base. He tried to take control of his emotions but he was shaking, trembling with unbridled rage, constantly replaying in his mind that exact moment you had been taken. He had known because he had felt you being knocked unconscious, he had felt you slipping away like trickling water through his fingers. You were too far away to do anything. Kylo had killed in that moment, he’d slashed the nearest person to him, he’d killed his Captain a trooper and a citizen as he roared in anger demanding they find you. But you were  gone .

_Breathe_ .

He saw a ship and recognised it instantly. Memories flooded his mind and he found himself walking towards the Falcon. He paused at the bottom of the ramp as a tall shadow fell over him from inside the ship. Before he could react the Wookie had him by the throat roaring loudly in his face calling him all the names under the sun... _murderer....monster...._ Kylo supported himself on Chewie’s arm with his hands but he could feel his body begin to fight for oxygen and his legs kicked involuntarily. Panic wasn’t something Kylo felt very often but the rage and strength of Chewbacca did indeed create a bloom of panic in his chest as he struggled for breath. Suddenly Chewie stopped, his eyes staring into Kylo’s as he slowly placed him back on the ground before walking away back onto the ship. He stood there, the black hole that Han’s death had left yawning wider and wider threatening to engulf him completely.

_Breathe_ .

After wrestling with himself he managed to make his way back to the room where the Knights were keeping everyone in their seats, he could feel Chewie behind him with his bowcaster drawn. Kylo held up a hand to stand the Knights down, he decided if the Wookie wanted to kill he’d let him, just not yet. 

‘Are you going to kill us?’ Kylo turned his attention the ex trooper. 

‘The thought had crossed my mind.’ Ushar shifted behind the traitor his fingers flexing on the hilt of his weapon in eagerness. 

‘Get on with it then.’ Poe jutted his chin out defiantly and Kylo eyed him thinking he’d love nothing more than to end this pilots miserable life. He had caused no end of trouble for the First Order but Kylo couldn’t help but admire his piloting skills, and you had seen something in him. A little too much for Kylo’s liking. 

‘What if we help you?’ Poe turned to Finn making eyes at him. 

‘What the fuck man?’ He said through gritted teeth.

‘Are you telling me we aren’t going to shoot off and try and find her ourselves?’ Finn made a face at Poe knowing he was right. Chewie made a gentle noise from the doorway in agreement. Kylo watched the interaction with interest, he had considered asking for their help but he hadn’t been sure how to ask. He never asked for help. 

‘Fine.’ Poe crossed his arms and looked sulkily at Kylo. ‘Let’s go back over what happened.’

Your screamed ripped the air as Rey dragged the knife up your calf muscle splitting yet more skin. You could hear her mumbling over your sobs as she concentrated on torturing you. 

‘He’s not going to recognise you when he sees you and then he will see me! And I will be the best looking sister and he will discard you completely.’

‘Now now my dear. We don’t want her to die, we want her to call him to us.’ The voice crawled over your broken skin and you shuddered as he came into view, the whirring of his contraption made dread pool in your insides and his milky eyes made you shrink away. 

‘I will never call him here!’ 

‘Insolent girl. You are my blood!’ He roared. ‘You  will call him.’ His rotting fingers reached for you and searing pain struck your mind. 

Kylo stumbled and Chewie caught him, but Kylo couldn’t see that or even feel it, all he could see was  you ! You were bleeding from multiple cuts down your arms and legs and you were chained to a large metal cross. Your hair was dirty and straggly and it hung over your face as you sagged in your chains. Lightning struck, blue flashing all around and an odd screeching sound reached his ears. You were surrounded by dark energy, a dark hooded figure appeared out from behind you, her dark hair framed her face and her lightsaber ignited casting you in a red glow. He noticed the lightsaber was the same as yours but the blade wasn’t as smooth. Her yellow eyes shone in the dark meeting his as she grinned. 

‘Nooooo!!’ He leaned heavily on Chewie’s arm as the vision faded. Vicrul grabbed Kylo.

‘What did you see?’ He reached out and grabbed Vicrul sending out the vision, Vicrul grunted slightly but he accepted the pain and released Kylo once the vision was finished. Chewie gently stood Kylo up and nodded, making sure he could support himself before he let go. 

‘Do you recognise it?’ Kylo said quietly as he saw Poe jogging over to the group. 

‘What happened?’ Chewie explained what happened while Kylo stood and waited for Vicrul to say something. 

‘I’ve never seen a planet like this,’ he frowned. ‘I’ll head to the Buzzard with Kuruk. Ren...’ Kylo looked up at him. ‘We will find her.’ 

Night had fallen again and Kylo looked up at the clear skies, the stars twinkled like tiny jewels and he tried so hard to see the beauty in them that you did, but you were  gone . Vicrul and Kuruk with the help of Poe and Chewie had been through an extensive list of planets but none of them even came close to what Kylo had seen. He heard footsteps behind him and he knew Poe was standing next to him. The hatred for the man curled up inside him like smoke, was it hatred? Or was it jealousy? He couldn’t tell anymore. 

‘I’ve been thinking..’ even his voice grated on Kylo but he flexed his jaw and heard him out anyway. ‘Leia has some of Luke’s old texts, maybe there is something in there.’ Kylo’s heart skipped a beat at the mention of his mother and his uncle in the same breath, he couldn’t go to her, he could never go back to her, not now. 

‘Can you get these, texts?’ 

‘I’m sure if I explain it to her she’ll hand them over. She liked Y/N.’ He said softly and sadness once again settled on Kylo’s broad shoulders at just the mention of your name. 

‘I’m assuming she’s at the main base?’ Poe shifted uneasily.

‘I’m not taking you.’ Kylo stared at him. Such attitude, but luckily Kylo didn’t want to go anyway. 

‘Can I trust you to bring them back?’ Poe took a while to answer, almost too long for Kylo’s liking. 

‘Yes. For Y/N.’ Kylo nodded at the understanding that was forming between them. 

‘The Knights and I shall stay here. If you betray me — if she dies —,’ just the thought of you dying choked Kylo up he couldn’t even finish his sentence, Poe looked at him a calm expression on his face like he understood. 

‘You have permission to kill me.’ Kylo nodded curtly and Poe jogged away, the Falcon left soon after. Kylo stared at the trails it left in the sky making all sorts of promises to the Maker if that pilot didn’t return.

‘Can we trust him sir?’ Kylo took a deep breath, all the Knights stood behind him looking up at the fast fading streaks in the sky.

‘He knows what’s at stake.’ 


	30. Chapter 30

Another day cycle passed and Kylo could not stop pacing, the waiting was eating him alive. Knowing you were trapped and being tortured ripped him up but he still had no idea where you were. The Knights were all milling about by the Buzzard as Kylo retraced his steps yet again, they had been training for most of the day to try and pass the time but nothing could ease Kylo’s agitation. 

‘Something is incoming Ren.’ Kuruk said as he came down the ramp. Kylo looked up at the sky but couldn’t make it out just yet, it better be the Falcon because he wasn’t going to wait around here for much longer. They had wasted enough time as it was. Shielding his eyes from dipping sun the familiar shape came into sight as it sunk down to the ground, he wanted to barge up into the ship demanding answers from them, asking why they took so long, did they find anything.....but he stood waiting for them to disembark.

‘I found something!’ Poe jogged straight to Kylo handing him a book he recognised. It was Luke’s journal. Kylo froze, seeing something of his Uncle’s being offered to him created panic inside him. He couldn’t take it, didn’t want to take it even but Poe was almost shoving it into his hand. Finally he grabbed it, his hands sliding over the familiar cover, turning over the pages as his eyes darted over every word and every hand drawn sketch. Kylo paused as his fingers delicately traced over a tiny drawing in one of the corners, he had drawn this as a small boy. Echoes of shouting sounded in Kylo’s ears and he remembered Han had been furious that he had drawn in Luke’s personal journal, Luke didn’t seem all that bothered but Kylo had been punished anyway. He remembered feeling angry and throwing things about in his room until Leia had come to talk to him. Poe’s excited voice cut through the fog of his memories and he snapped himself back to the moment. 

‘Keep turning the pages! It’s near the end, Luke was looking for something to do with the Sith.’ Kylo turned the pages and there was a drawing, it was shaped like a Sith Holocron and as Kylo traced his fingers over the drawing he realised he’d seen one of these before. Without a word he snapped the book shut ending Poe’s chatter and he strode towards the Buzzard, he sat down and brought up the old Empire archives. 

‘Wayfinder.’ He mumbled. 

‘A what now?’ Kylo bit back an angry response and flexed his jaw, he didn’t need the Resistance anymore he knew exactly where to look for one of these. He shoved the book at Poe and made a motion to the Knights, instantly Cardo grabbed the pilot and dragged him outside. ’Hey hey! What’cha doing?! Get your hands off of me!’ Kuruk started the Buzzard as Kylo put in the co ordinates for Mustafar. ‘Where are you going? We could help you!’ Poe shouted, Kylo went to the still open ramp and looked at the Pilot.

‘We will find her.’ The Buzzard lifted off and Poe swore loudly as he shielded himself from the dust cloud. Kylo ordered the Knights to get ready, there was a fight to be had. 

Mustafar. The planet roiled with an angry heat as the air around them burned, it shimmered with an intensity you would only find in heat this immense. Lava rivers flowed, crisscrossing over the ground forging their own paths and destroying everything they touched. Vader’s Fortress rose dark and foreboding against the ash filled sky as Kylo and the Knights advanced. 

_Inhale_ .

He spun his lightsaber casting an arc around him as he slashed another Alazmec Colonist always striking true, never missing.

_Exhale_ .

Ash floated from the sky and clung to the sweat drops on his skin tracking filthy streaks down his face, almost as if someone had painted it on there. The Knights surrounded him through the trees of Corvax Fen slashing and killing as they went. It had been such a long time since they were able to fully unleash their need for death and Kylo fed off it as it flowed around him, it gave him the strength he needed to reach what he wanted. He could feel another energy ahead of him and he knew he was getting closer. 

_Inhale_ .

He pierced another colonist in the chest slamming it into the ground. His cheeks puffed slightly as he expelled the breath between each kill.

_Exhale_ .

He twirled bringing his lightsaber up behind him and striking his target exactly where he wanted. He heard them fall to the ground, their armour clacking together as they slumped into a heap. His chest heaved as his eyes scoured the woods, he could feel it, the dark side. It bled into him and he accepted it, fuelling him, feeding him the strength he needed. A sound echoed around him and he instantly knew who it was,  Vader . The sense of him was was here, Kylo could feel his presence in the force as he watched and waited, seeing if his legacy was strong enough to reach his goal. Kylo moved and the ash on the ground swirled around his boots, he found comfort in the surety of his movements, time suspended between each strike of his crackling blade as he cut a devastating path through the ones stopping him from reaching his goal. He needed this, his blood burned for this because it lead to  you . 

Quickly, too quickly for the Knights liking, the fight ended, bodies littered the floor like black shadows, already losing their definition in the mist. Kylo carried on heading towards the power he could sense but he felt the Knights drop back. Fine, this was his task anyway. The mist thickened around him swirling with each step, the ground became soggy and soft under his boots until he came upon a lake. The water was black and completely still as he paused taking in his surroundings. He could see something in the middle of the lake and he knew it contained what he had come all this way for. He went to step foot in the water but it began to ripple and he paused, the oily slick on the waters surface catching the dull light with each new ridge that made it to the shore. Bubbles rose in the middle of the lake the sound echoed around him and he readied his weapon. A large creature rose from the water, weed and mud hung off it as slouched towards Kylo, he pointed his lightsaber up at the creature but it didn’t threaten him. 

‘I am the Eye of Webbish Bog. I know what you seek.’

‘Give it to me.’ He readied himself prepared to fight for what he needed, he could feel time slipping away from him as stood here and his impatience flared. ‘Now.’ He sent the force out to the creature trying to sway its mind and just let him pass, but instead it made a keening noise at him. 

‘No need for that. What you seek, is yours.’ The creature moved aside, Kylo hooked his saber onto his belt and waded out into the lake, the slick mud under the water sucked strongly at his boots but he ignored it as he carried on to the middle. Using the force he moved the heavy lid of the stone chest to reveal the Sith Wayfinder. He picked it up, it felt heavy in his hands and as he looked at it he could see all the intricate details of star charts and alignment markers. ‘This will lead you into the unknown reaches of Exegol, but beware what you are looking for will not be the only thing you will find....’ Kylo couldn’t tear his eyes away from the etched glass and the red glow inside, he had found it, the way to  you . He started heading back to the ship adrenaline flooding through him, he would get you back whatever it took. Whatever it cost. 

Your strength was failing, you were fading. The darkness loomed threatening to take you at any moment, your heart fluttered and your hands felt cold, the chains bit into your skin but you couldn’t feel them anymore, your shoulders were numb from being in the same position. Rey grabbed your face and poured some water down your throat, she did it too fast and you ended up coughing most of it away, each cough took more strength from you as you struggled to breathe. 

‘Some good news little sister,’ her sinister voice rang in your ears. She brushed her cheek against yours and whispered in your ear. ‘ They are coming for you. ’ You instantly felt panic, Kylo couldn’t come here, he was who they needed. 

‘No...’ you could only manage a gasp your throat was so sore. You squeezed your eyes shut but there was nothing you could do. Then you felt it, the fuzziness the pain searing behind your eyes as you reconnected with him. Rey stamped her feet in anticipation.

‘He’s coming!!’ She shrieked and she disappeared into the shadows. You cast the force out along your bond.

_It’s a trap don’t come it’s a trap...._

_I’m not leaving you._

_Please..._

_No._ Anger radiated down the precarious connection you had with him and it fuelled you, strength flowed into your weak limbs with every second he got closer.

In that moment you decided to fight, you couldn’t let him come and fight for you alone. You sent the force through the chains, pain rebounded back on you but the new found strength from your bond with Kylo was at full force. You screamed loudly as the pain flooded your body but you could feel the chains giving way, just a bit more.......The chains snapped and you fell to the floor in a heap your body screaming at the sudden new position. Pain blossomed on your scalp as someone grabbed your hair and dragged you backwards, you tried kicking, scratching anything to break their hold but nothing worked, your heartbeat quickened as Kylo’s lightsaber came into view from behind the wall. The Knights fanned out around him and you felt the swell of hope in your chest, you renewed your assault on the hand in your hair but she yanked you upright, her red blade across your neck it was so close you could feel the heat of it and you froze. Kylo’s gaze snapped to your location and Rey chuckled softly as she stepped out of the shadows. 

‘Looking for this?’ She called out. 

‘Let me go,’ you snarled and she yanked on your hair again. Kylo’s face was blank but the fire in his eyes burned and you could feel the rage searing inside him that Rey had her hands on you and was hurting you. 

_You remember what happened on the training grounds?_

_Yes._

_Can you do it again?_

_I — I don’t know. I can try_.  Nothing on Kylo’s body gave away that he was communicating with you, the Knights slowly shifted to spread out more and box Rey in but she saw. 

‘No closer! Or I’ll end her,’ she brought the blade closer and you cried out as it burnt your neck. Your mind worked fast, on the training ground it just happened you weren’t sure if you could do it now. 

‘No you won’t.’ You gasped. ‘You need me.’ She sneered in your ear.

‘We need you both and here you both are exactly where I want you...’ you concentrated pulling the force to you and blasting Rey away from you, her grip on you lessened enough for you to slip her grasp but you forgot about her lightsaber and she dragged it across your neck, you cried out from the pain but you didn’t stop moving. Your vision was filled with Kylo and your body launched towards him, his hand reached out for you and finally after all this time your fingers met his. A blast radiated out from both of you at the force of your connection, destroying everything in its path, the Knights were blown backwards landing in crumpled heaps on the floor, the cross you had been chained to all this time was ripped out of the rocky ground. Rey was blown backwards and smacked into the wall knocking her out, everything shook around you and cracks appeared in the floor at your feet, in the middleof it all stood you and Kylo. Everything died down to utter silence but Kylo was moving, dragging you with him. 

_The Knights...._

_Are gone. I have to get you out of here._

_Kylo you can’t just leave them!_

They knew the price . A cackle filled the air and dread washed over you making your feet stumble. But Kylo didn’t falter he grabbed you picking you up and carrying you like you weighed nothing. He gently placed you on a seat in the Buzzard his movements sure and swift as he he heaved the ship off the ground punching it into light speed. Your neck throbbed where Rey’s saber had carved a long line across it and you could feel your consciousness slipping as you slumped in the chair. He picked you up again and you clutched onto his tunic breathing him in, finally you were home. 

You dropped in and out of consciousness the whole way back to the fleet, Kylo rushed you back to his quarters roaring for the best doctor on the ship, you could feel his fear, his fear that he was losing you. His tunic felt rough under your sore hands but you wouldn’t let go, you couldn’t, it was all that was keeping you alive right now. You gasped as he lay you down on his bed the soft sheets felt like fire on your ripped up skin and tears rolled unbidden out of your eyes. 

‘I’m sorry I’m sorry.’ He whispered in your ear, the Supreme Leader of the First Order apologising for something he couldn’t help and you could feel how useless he felt as the Doctor came in ordering him out of the way, your fingers flexed wanting to hold onto him but he was out of reach.

_I’m still here I’m not going anywhere_ _._ He tried to hide his worry from you but all barriers were down and he was scared. You could see your broken, bleeding body through his eyes, you might as well be a corpse you looked hideous, surely you couldn’t be saved? Why didn’t he just let you go? 

_Don’t. Don’t you dare leave me. Not now. _

_Kylo..._ You felt so tired, exhausted even, how you wished you could just fade and the pain would stop everything would just end.....

Kylo couldn’t take it anymore he threw the Doctor out of the way and crushed the medical droid in a devastating force grip, he had saved you before he could save you again. You were limp as he lifted you slightly off the bed. 

‘Supreme Leader! Please just let me...we’re losing her!’ 

‘No!’ He held you tightly forcing his power into you, trying to heal you but he was faced with a barrier he couldn’t break down. Panic rose in him as the pressure of trying to save you rocked his body, he was tense his entire body rigid as he expelled as much as he could into you. But it wasn’t enough. You fell from his numb fingers as he slumped to the floor the doctor immediately taking his place at your side. More medical personnel arrived but they left him on the ground his chest heaving as he hated on himself, hating himself for not being able to have the strength to save you. His chest tightened as he tried to breath but he felt like he was suffocating. He couldn’t be in here anymore, he couldn’t even look at you not if you were going to leave him. He made it into the living area and the door shut smoothly behind him blocking out all sound from his room. Once his eyes managed to focus he noticed General Hux standing patiently by the sofa. 

‘Supreme Leader the Knights...’

‘Are gone. The fight was more than we anticipated.’ Kylo stood by the window staring at the stars you loved so much. 

‘How is she?’ Kylo swallowed harshly, he had withdrawn all his senses from the room, and from you so he had no idea how you were doing. 

‘If they can’t save her, I will kill  _every_ person in that room.’ Hux rose an eyebrow at his low threatening voice. 

‘Isn’t that a little extreme?’ He said dryly. They both turned as the door opened the Doctor approached Kylo cautiously. 

‘We have managed to stabilise her but she needs to be submerged in a bacta tank so she can heal fully.’ 

‘Do it.’ Kylo’s throat felt dry as he watched they took you out of his room, he wanted you to stay here where he could keep an eye on you but he also knew if he wanted you to heal fast you needed this treatment. Hux watched Kylo intently as everyone filed out of the Supreme Leaders quarters until they were the only ones left.

‘Will you stop running off on nonsense personal missions? We are about to engage with the Resistance on Kijimi.’ The rage rose in Kylo like an ugly snake, his hands shook as he tried to contain it, his fingers twitching to choke Hux, to watch the light leave his eyes.....but he needed him. 

‘Blow it up. Move onto the next planet.’ 

‘Yes Supreme Leader,’ with a click of his heels Kylo was finally alone. He clenched his fist, the leather creaking as the fibres were ground together and silently he vowed if you died he would destroy the entire galaxy. 

A week you were submerged in the bacta tank, they let you out a while ago and you felt the best you had felt in a really long time. You had healed but scars littered your entire body, slowly you traced the white lines down your arm where Rey had cut you over and over again. You shivered as your mind tried to sink down into the dark depths but you managed to pull yourself out, they had told you they were letting you go back to your quarters today but you knew exactly who’s quarters you were visiting instead. You had quietly asked a nurse if you had had any visitors and she told you no, which was fine. It was fine, he was probably busy what with Kijimi and all. The nurse entered your room with a new set of armour for you as your last one had been ruined. 

‘This arrived for you, we recommend you don’t train for a few days at least. Just rest we aren’t letting you back on duty for at least another week.’ 

‘Another week?’ She grinned at the tone in your voice.

‘Yes another week. I’d give anything for a week of rest! But you have been a dream patient Commander.’

‘I’ve been unconscious in a tank?’

‘Exactly.’ You watched her leave as you unfolded the new outfit, it was the same as your old one and you felt excited to put it back on and to hopefully have it ripped off again by a certain someone. You were discharged and again ordered to rest, you made a beeline for his quarters only to find them empty, his bed was made, his calligraphy desk was tidy and his quarters looked like they hadn’t been lived in at all. You played with your bottom lip as you decided what to do, did you wait here? Was he in a meeting? If he was you had no idea how long he’d be. With the feeling of disappointment settling on your shoulders you slowly made your way to the door of your quarters. As soon as it opened you could sense him, your quarters were littered with his gear and to your relief you found him sleeping soundly on your bed hugging you pillow. Smart really as no one would expect to find him in here. Suddenly you felt awkward, you wanted to snuggle up with him but it had been so long.....

‘Are you getting in?’ His deep voice rolled out of him and you closed your eyes at the sound of it. You had missed him so much. 

‘Why are you hiding in my bed Supreme Leader?’ You slowly got in next to him and straight away his hands were on you pulling you to him caging you between his massive frame and mattress. 

‘No one finds me here and it’s the only place I can sleep,’ he whispered in your ear, his lips brushing against your skin igniting something inside you. Your hands trailed softly under his shirt, feeling his warm skin beneath your fingers. He lifted himself up slightly one of his large hands going to your neck, his thumb just resting under your jaw as he uses it to tilt your face up so his lips can capture yours in a soft kiss. You couldn’t help the moan that bubbles up in your chest and you feel him smile against you. You go to slide your hand between your warm bodies but he stops you as he pulls away from the kiss. ‘You need rest.’ You roll your eyes, judging by the reaction your body was giving you, rest was really not want it wanted. His amusement filtered through your bond as he felt your frustration. 

‘But I’ve missed you. So much...’ the break in your voice is unmissable as emotion threatened to tear you down, you thought you were going to die without ever seeing him again. His hazel eyes sweep over your face as you try to hold yourself together but your lip quivers. 

‘I was scared too.’

‘You were?’ You took a shaky breath and singletear rolled out of your eye, he gently wiped it away his expression soft as you both relived the horror at the thought of losing each other. 

‘I killed. When they took you, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t concentrate....’ 

‘It’s ok,’ you whispered seeing the torture in his eyes.

‘I never used to be like this.’ It was his turn to take a steadying breath and he rolled off you laying flat on his back staring at the ceiling. ‘I stopped myself from choking Hux last week.’ You couldn’t help but snort softly at his attempt of humour. 

‘Well maybe he could take over Kijimi and you can take the week off with me.’ The shift in Kylo was evident, his expression darkened as he sat up turning his back to you. You felt him shutting down the bond between you straining as he tried to shield himself from you. ‘What’s happened?’ Dread pooled in your belly and you sat up now. 

‘Kijimi is gone.’ His deep voice seemed to reverberate through you as you absorbed what he just said, but you couldn’t. You wanted him to be lying, but he wasn’t. 

‘Gone?’ You flinched as he stood up grabbing his boots and beginning to get redressed. 

‘I’ve got a meeting with High Command.’ 

‘Kylo stop!’ Your voice rang out in the still bedroom and he paused. ‘Who gave the order? Who gave the order to kill — millions of innocent people?’ 

‘I did.’ Your brain shattered, he didn’t even hesitate with his reply, and Poe’s words rose unbidden in your mind.

_ I saw him give the order to murder an entire village, women, children...... he didn’t even hesitate ....... Are you telling me he didn’t have a choice? Are you telling me there is some unseen force guiding him to do these awful things, that he’s just a puppet? _

‘Why?’ 

‘Because we need to let old things die.’ He turned to you his eyes shining as he looked at your shocked face. ‘You need let go of this notion that everyone in the galaxy is innocent. They need ruling, controlling. They need order.’ Disgust roiled around, twisting your insides as you tried to not to fight him on this, but it went against everything you believed in, he had a choice and he still decided to end lives on an entire planet. ‘I had no choice,’ he said quietly as he left your quarters. The door whooshed shut behind him and you wrapped your arms around your body tightly, fearing you would fall apart. He was lost, out of reach almost. You didn’t want to change who he was,  _or did you?_


	31. Chapter 31

You paced in your quarters for the rest of the day wringing your hands with worry until they felt sore. You looked down seeing you had rubbed them so much in one spot you had broken the skin, blood smeared over your fingers making them feel slightly sticky. You tried to wash them and you hissed as the hot water seeped into the sore. You washed them again and again replaying the conversation with Kylo over in your mind. All those people, just wiped out of existence with a single command. _Had Poe been on there?_ You stopped your movements as water began to flow over the edge of the sink soaking your feet and legs but you didn’t notice. Was Poe on Kijimi when the fatal blast landed? You had to find out you had to know. Maybe Vicrul....or Trudgen.... _no_. The Knights were gone, you had killed them, you didn’t protect them from your power. Their blood was on your hands. You stuck your hands in the boiling water washing them again, your eyes widened as the water turned red. Such a deep vibrant colour you couldn’t take your eyes off it as it swilled around the basin. 

‘What are you doing?’ You gasped at the intrusion of Kylo’s demanding voice as he entered your quarters, probably more habit than him actually wanting to be here. He strode over and pulled your hands out of the clear water before switching it all off, his boots made splashing sounds in the growing puddle on the floor as he inspected your sore hands. 

‘S — so much death. The Knights, Poe...Kijimi, Coruscant.’ Kylo frowned as he wrapped your hands in a towel.

‘Poe Dameron?’ He asked quietly.

‘Poe — Kijimi,’ your eyes flickered up to look at Kylo, the frown deepened between his eyes as he listened to your jumble of words.

‘He wasn’t on Kijimi,’ he said it so softly you almost missed it as you flinched from the pain as Kylo turned your hands over with gentle touches.

‘He — he wasn’t? How do you know?’ 

‘Because I left him on Dantooine.’ Your brain was slow, foggy as you tried to pull yourself to the present but Poe’s face rose in your mind, when you stabbed him with your saber, the way his face went slack with shock that you would kill him. Kylo said your name but he sounded so far away, everything was slipping, tilting as you tried to get up. 

‘I need to find him...’

‘No.’ You felt Kylo’s hands grip tightly onto you and you tried to shake him. 

‘Let me go..’

‘I said no!’ 

‘I have to make sure he’s alright!’ You didn’t realise you were shouting until Kylo flinched at your words. 

‘What about making sure I’m alright?’ He bellowed back at you as he shook you slightly. ‘I nearly lost you! You slipped through my fingers I couldn’t save you!! I was powerless! They wormed their way into the First Order undetected and they took you from me!’ He released you, his face red as he looked down at you, his hair swept over his face giving him a feral look. ‘There is something bigger at work here, bigger then you and even me. Something else....to do with Exegol.’ 

‘Palpatine.’ 

‘What did you say?’ Kylo’s voice was low as he looked you straight in the eye.

‘P — Palpatine. On Exegol, he needs us, our bond to restore himself.’ Kylo’s cheeks expanded slightly as he expelled the breath he’d been holding, he dragged one of his large hands through his hair as he turned away from you, his cloak flaring with the sudden movement. ‘That’s why they took me, to get you there. It was a trap but I don’t think he expected us to be so powerful but Rey, she won’t give up.’ He rubbed a hand over his face suddenly looking so weary as he tried to process what you had told him. You tried to reach for him through your bond but he had closed himself off completely, again. Tears pricked your eyes at the loss of sensation between you both, after being separated for so long he now saw fit to alienate you even more. 

‘K — Kylo I can’t feel you. Why are you shutting me out?’ You stepped towards his tense frame and you saw his shoulders stiffen even more. ‘I _need_ you, please?’ His hazel eyes stared at you as you slowly approached, the burning desire to feel him in every sense was consuming you, desperately you needed his comfort. Still he made no move towards you. ‘What happened Kylo?’

‘You were taken.’ His cloak brushed against your shoulder as he moved past you to stand the other side of the table putting distance between you. 

‘I’m back now, you came and got me, you saved me!’ The pressure was building behind your eyes as your chest heaved, that familiar feeling of tension inside you was getting worse, your lungs ached, your hands throbbed and your vision swam. You felt like you were losing him. 

‘I love you Kylo...’

‘No.’ The finality in his voice made you gasp.

‘Yes...’

‘You forget, I have felt everything about you,’ you took a shuddery breath as you listened to his smooth voice rolling over you. 

‘Kylo I’m falling apart without you!’ Your voice was pleading as you stepped towards him again., but his silence was deafening as the roaring began in your ears, this wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening, you had given up everything to be here with him.

‘You’re falling apart, but it’s not because of me,’ he said softly.

‘That’s a little unfair! You won’t let me in Kylo why won’t you let me in?!’ You grabbed his cloak and turned him to face you, his face was tense as he worried his bottom lip. ‘Please, I love you!’ You placed a hand on his broad chest your breath hitched at the contact but he didn’t make a move to touch you back and you felt desperate, so needy for it. Your hand slid up to the side of his face to hook round his neck and pull him to you for a kiss but he stopped you, almost crushing your sore hand in his grip. 

‘Stop.’ He went to move away but you grabbed him ignoring the stabbing pain from your hands. 

‘No, no Kylo...’ 

‘I said stop!’ He shoved you with his hands and you slammed into the wall, you felt shocked that he would do something like that to you of all people. His voice was loud as he started yelling pacing up and down before you. ‘You don’t belong here! You cannot get behind the First Order and I cannot afford to have any distractions.’

‘Distractions? How can you just refer to me as some minor distraction?’ He advanced on you his face furious as he pointed at you. 

‘You are a major distraction, you cannot stay here!’ 

‘Stop shutting me out! I don’t understand where this is all coming from?!’

‘I love you!!’ He bellowed in your face, his expression twisted with anguish as he bent to to your eye level. ‘I love you with all my being,’ he spread his hands on his chest as he gestured at himself. ‘With every fibre of my soul....but you don’t love me like that.’ His eyes roamed over your face, he went to reach for you but he just clenched his gloved fist in midair between you. Straightening up he continued. ‘Because he will always have a piece of you. A piece I can’t have.’ Your mind shattered at the hopelessness in his voice

‘Kylo...’ he waved a hand in your face as he swallowed harshly. 

‘No.’ His voice was flat, devoid of emotion as he shut himself down. ‘No. We are done with this conversation.’ 

Kylo walked away, leaving you crying against the wall of your quarters. His ears rang with the sounds of your heartbroken sobs. He couldn’t even see where he was going as his soul splintered, the pain racing through him with every step he took away from you. He needed you off this ship, he needed you gone. So you’d be safe. He realised you couldn’t be together, not if Palpatine wanted to use the Dyad for his own gain, for the sake of you both and for the sake of the First Order you were now destined to be apart. 

‘Supreme Leader...’ Hux’s voice cut through the fog of his thoughts and Kylo had to enable all his control not to kill the man walking beside him. 

‘What is it General?’ He asked curtly.

‘We’ve had a transmission from the Knights.’ Kylo abruptly stopped, this didn’t make sense the Knights, they died on Exegol? ‘They are requesting permission to dock and they have a message.’

‘A message?’

‘For you.’ Kylo pointed at Hux.

‘Let them on board, ready the medbay I want them checked over, they have been on Exegol a long time. Make sure it’s really them. Brief the medstaff.’ 

‘Yes Supreme Leader.’ Kylo’s mind churned, anything could have happened to his Knights, he couldn’t afford the trust them. More than ever he needed you off this damn ship. 

You stared at the full bag Kylo threw at your feet. 

‘I don’t care where you go. Just get away from here.’ Your heart thumped slowly as you felt yourself shutting down, he was really doing this. Your numb fingers grasped the handle, you couldn’t look at him because you knew you’d start crying again. ‘There is shuttle prepared for you in the hanger, I’m assuming you can fly it?’ 

‘I can fly anything.’ Unbidden Poe’s favourite line fell from your lips as you whispered. You didn’t see Kylo stiffen, you didn’t see the pain cross his face as he stared down at you and you missed the way he bent over you slightly breathing you in one last time. 

‘You need to leave.’ You didn’t look up at him, you couldn’t, it was too painful. As you walked away you unconsciously reached for him but you got nothing back, emptiness. Just a void of darkness was at the other end of your bond. All too quickly you found yourself at the hanger, your small white shuttle was waiting for you amongst all the black, you almost didn’t see the trooper standing by the open ramp. 

‘Commander.’ He saluted sharply and you nodded. ‘Ships all ready. Special mission is it?’ You paused on the ramp, your mind screaming something at you, something you needed to remember. 

‘Yeah you could say that Captain.’

‘Where are you going? There is no record of it in the system.’ You straightened. His voice, you recognised it, the back of your head tingled as your mind finally kicked into gear. You turned your gaze to him and he visibly straightened as he saw the look on your face.

‘Are you questioning me, Captain?’ You asked, your voice low as it slithered out of you.

‘No Commander. Have a safe trip.’ He walked off quickly, you could have alerted Kylo to the traitor so blatantly walking about his ship but he had made it perfectly clear he just wanted you gone. You carried on up the ramp and closed it behind you, closing it on the First Order, closing it on Kylo. For good. 

You punched in some co ordinates, you knew they were proper ones you just didn’t know where they took you and honestly right now you didn’t care. You could feel the tell tale pull from your bond and then it felt like snapped, a numbness spread over your mind like someone had doused you in ice cold water. You tried to ignore it, concentrating on the white lights of hyperspace as they smeared across the windows of the shuttle and you sighed at the calmness of it all. You had no idea what to do now? You couldn’t go back to the Resistance, the First Order, Kylo....had no place for you and you had to hide from Rey. You looked down at the bag on the floor and slowly your fingers brushed the handles. You wanted to open it to see what Kylo had packed for you but just thinking about him doing anything for you made you want to crumble and cry. You didn’t, you steeled yourself refusing to acknowledge your emotions. You had survive now it was all you had left. You found yourself dosing as the ship raced through hyperspace until beeping jolted you awake with a proximity alert. The ship dropped out of lightspeed and a planet loomed ahead of you, you checked the control panel. 

‘D’Qar? Why am I here?’ You steered the ship down to the planet gliding over the lush greenery scanning as you went, there didn’t seem to be any native intelligent life here just animals. Yes this would do. Something caught your eye and you guided the ship down to land in a clearing. As you left the ship you could see the ground was black under your boots like the earth had been scorched but the plants had grown over it, so this had happened a while ago. You walked towards the drop at the edge of the crater, something with a powerful blast had done this. Animal noises echoed around you as a breeze rippled through the large jungle like trees. You walked around the crater, you could see something on the other side, it looked like a building but you weren’t sure. The closer you looked the more sure you became, the roof had caved in and the plants had claimed it for their own but it was definitely a building. You found it odd, because there were no humans or any other race capable of building such a structure. You ducked inside the light filtering through gaps highlighting the floating dust particles in the air, the smell was not unpleasant but you could tell it was damp in here. Some animals fluttered away from you making their way outside as you walked as far as you could, their scrabbling noises reverberating round the small space. This would do well as a camp, as you went to go back outside your foot nudged something metal, you teased the dirt off with your fingers and revealed the symbol underneath, Resistance. This was an old Resistance base. You frowned wondering why you had come here, why here specifically? You felt like you should be here that much was evident. You shrugged and dropped the plaque sending a ringing noise around the space before heading back outside. 

You hid the ship covering it as best as you could so the white was not noticeable from the air, you dragged your bag and a few supplies you found stowed on the ship one was a camping bed so you wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor. As the sun set you sat beside the fire you had made enjoying the peace, the bag Kylo had packed you was sat on the floor and you toyed with the handle as you gazed into the fire. Little bits drifted upwards and you couldn’t help but think they looked like tiny little suns until they faded from existence. The sound of the fire comforted you, it had been such a long time since you’d sat near one and your mind wandered. Echos of laughter rang in your ears and you remembered sitting with Poe and Finn, Poe putting his arm round you pulling you to him. And Naboo, the fire Finn had made after you and Poe returned from the waterfall. You looked up at the sky wishing your life hadn’t ended up like this. You had no Poe, no family and now no Kylo. Your mood spiralled as loneliness came crashing down on you and the tears you had been ignoring all day fell freely. You didn’t hold back as you screamed your dejection up at the empty sky, you screamed until your voice went hoarse and all the animals had fled. You felt so lost as you tried to stop the sobs erupting from your chest as you shattered, you imagined the little pieces of you rising and floating like the sparks from the fire and fading from existence. 

The next morning you woke with your head resting on the bag and the fire had gone out completely. The air was humid and you felt yourself sweating under your armour, you removed it and tucked it into the storage box you had removed from the ship, you looked at the bag again as you played with the zipper. In one swift movement you ripped it open and the first thing you saw was your lightsaber. You had dropped it on Kijimi when you were taken, clearly Kylo had found it and returned it to you. You refused to think it was anything more than Kylo just packing it because you needed it, but it meant he had kept it safe the whole time you weren’t with him. 

‘Don’t cry. Fuck. Don’t cry.’ It felt weird to talk knowing no one else was around but you needed to hear a voice, even if it was your own. 

For days you explored your new surroundings, you found fresh water and some fruits to eat. You had killed one of the blue birds native to the planet and roasted it over your fire, you modified your top and leggings cutting the sleeves off and making shorts because it was just too hot to keep wearing clothes like that. You got pretty comfortable in your surroundings until one day you saw a ship. 

You heard it before you saw it and you scrambled to hide away as much as you could, you grabbed your lightsaber panic gripping you incase it was Rey. Had she finally found you? You hid deep amongst the trees as you heard the ship power down, you crouched down in the tall foliage as you watched the smoke rise from your freshly put out fire. Hopefully they would be drawn to that first and you could get a look at who had disturbed your solitude. The waiting was excruciating, apprehension gripped you as you tried to breath evenly but your chest constricted and your heart pounded. You caught the glimpse of someone in the shadows, they made a motion with their hand and pointed at the fire, someone in a black jacket slipped into your make shift camp and you felt anger rise inside you and for their sake you hoped they didn’t take anything. 

‘Clear!’ You cocked your head as the voice rang out and your heart fluttered. It couldn’t be...your gaze was drawn to a large tall hairy Wookiee as he slumped into the camp. Your heart stopped as two humans met him by the fire but your eyes were drawn to just one. You crept forward as you drank him in, his tanned skin, the way his dark curls were stuck to his sweaty forehead, his brown eyes as they took in his surroundings with the frown of someone trying to work out what he was seeing. 

‘Someone’s definitely living here.’ Said Finn. 

‘Yeah but who?’ Poe asked as he shed his jacket. Chewie made a noise and Poe nodded. ‘Yeah you’re right it’s damn hot this cycle.’ A twig snapped under your boot and instantly they all shot their blasters in your direction, you managed to duck behind a tree your chest heaved as you turned your face in their direction.

‘Don’t shoot!’ You called out, Poe straightened up as he heard your voice disbelief crossing his handsome features. 

‘Stop! Stop shooting!’ He lowered his hand and stepped forward. ‘Who’s there?’

‘You’re not going to believe this....’ you called as you stepped out from round the tree a smile tugging the corners of your mouth as you locked eyes with him. Your name fell from his lips and he lowered the blaster as his eyes widened at the sight of you. ‘It’s me.’ You said lamely as he hesitantly took some steps in your direction before going into a full on run and barrelling into you burying his face in your hair his arms locking you to him in a death like grip. You hugged him back just as viciously, automatically your fingers tangled into his damp curls, you looked up at the tree tops thanking the Maker he had found you. He pulled away from you slightly his hands finding your face as he kissed your forehead, his whole body trembled and you felt his tears smear on your skin. 

‘Poe....’your voice was choked with emotion as he pressed his forehead against yours his eyes tightly closed.

‘Is it really you?’ He gasped. You grinned through your own tears.

‘It’s really me.’ A sob ripped from his throat and buried his face in your neck his shoulders shaking as he cried. ‘Hey what’s this? Tears?’ He sobbed harder as he tried to smile at your words knowing that he had said those to you before. 

‘Glad to see you’re not dead!’ Shouted Finn, you raised a hand to acknowledge his shout before he tugged on Chewie mumbling something about the Falcon, leaving you and Poe to your reunion. Poe’s arms were round your waist and you had to be on tip toe to rest your head on his shoulder, you lazily traced patterns on his shirt before you came aware of how uncomfortably sweaty you both were. Reluctantly Poe released you but he kept a hold on your hand almost as if he thought if he left go you’d disappear again. He wiped his hand across his face to try and get rid of the tears as he cleared his throat. You felt odd, the last time you had seen Poe he had left you literally in the arms of Kylo, you felt misplaced almost like you shouldn’t feel so happy to see him, to feel his hand in yours as you walked back to the camp. ‘Poe...’

‘Don’t. Ok. I’ve spent,’ he paused and closed his eyes. ‘I have spent so long thinking you were dead.’ His voice wavered and he stopped again, taking a deep breath. ‘I just want to live in this moment, here, now. This moment....’ 

‘Ok — ok we can just live in this moment.’ You whispered as you pulled his head towards you pressing your forehead against the side of his face. His arms snaked back around you and you both just stood there breathing each others air enjoying the comfort you found in each other. A whistle shattered the still air as BB8 came racing round the corner bumping into your legs as he greeted you in his own way, you bent down to pat him and noticed Poe did not take his hands away from you. You sensed his desperate need to connect with you, he was still reeling from it actually being you that they had found on this abandoned planet. 

‘What are you boys doing here anyway? How did you find me?’ 

‘Sensors had been installed and they recorded unusual activity, Leia sent us out to investigate incase it was a stranded Resistance member who needed rescuing....’ he trailed off becoming guarded as he looked at you. ‘Are you?’

‘Am I what?’ 

‘A Resistance member that needs rescuing?’ You looked at him, you desperately wanted to say yes you were but the words got stuck in your throat. If you went back to them you’d be putting them in danger, if Rey found you she’d slaughter everyone to get to you. No one was safe around you. You pulled yourself out of Poe’s reach as you stared at the tall jungle trees surrounding your camp. 

‘I can’t go back.’

‘Are you here because — of  _ him _ ?’ You sighed, why were you so torn between these two, one on the side of light and one on the side of dark. 

‘He cast me out of the First Order. But I am being pursued by someone dangerous so I have to stay in hiding. I thought this was a good place but it seems anyone can find me.’ Poe came to stand next to you, his hands twitched like he wanted to pull you to him, he didn’t. 

‘We can protect you.’ His eyes were fierce as you turned your head to look at him. ‘The Resistance can protect you, you can be safe with us, why are you shaking your head?’ You smiled sadly.

‘She will not give up until she finds me and I really don’t want to go back to that place.’ Your mind darkened as the echoes of your screams rang in your ears, you subconsciously rubbed the scars on your arms as your vision clouded over, streaks of lightning stuck the ground in your peripheral and you sucked your breath in as everything went dark. You could see the Knights, standing there in their armour with their weapons as they looked at you, silently waiting. For you. 

‘Hey! You zoned out for a second you ok?’ Poe reappeared before you, his heavy brow pulled down in concern as he gripped your upper arms. You plastered a smile on your face as you reassured him but really, that place will never leave you. ‘If you don’t come back with us what are you going to do?’ 

‘Honestly Poe, I haven’t got that far.’

‘You were just going to stay here? Wouldn’t it be better to surround yourself with people?’

‘Then I put them all in danger as well.’

‘Fuck, who is hunting you to be that dangerous?’ Cold realisation trickled down your spine, they didn’t know. They had no idea their precious Jedi had been cloned.  _ Your sister _ ….was a Sith. 

‘Ask me another time.’ 

‘Don’t you think we have the right to know?’

‘No Poe I don’t! Now you should leave.’ Panic tinged your voice as you went to duck inside but he grabbed your arm, his fingers pressing harshly into your bare skin sending fire into your body. You squeezed your eyes shut as memories bombarded you, stolen moments on the Falcon, urgent and needy, unspoken breathless moments of passion before you broke away to continue with your tasks. Your desire filled gasps echoing behind a waterfall as your feverish bodies slid over each other, tangled together in unbridled lust. You couldn’t pull away from him, the hold he had on you was too strong. Maybe Kylo had been right. Poe would  _ always _ have a piece of you. 

‘I refuse to leave you again.’ The pressure of tears built up behind your eyes, a burning sensation you had grown to hate as you ground your teeth together in an effort to beat it. The temptation to go with him was overwhelming but you knew the feeling of being safe wouldn’t last. ‘Don’t make me drag you back.’ 

‘Just leave me alone!’ You yelled, wrenching your arm free of his grip, turning your back to him. 

‘What are you running from? What are you hiding?’ He followed you inside your space and you felt suffocated, crowded as he stood behind you. 

‘I c — can’t tell you!’ Tears welled, spilling down your face as you felt your control slipping under his constant onslaught. 

‘Yes you can! I can help you…’

‘No! No one can help me!’

‘Will you just — fuck!’ He ran a hand through his curls. ‘Just fucking tell me!’ His voice broke as he yelled at you, his desperation tugged at you and you felt yourself slipping. ‘Please…’ your body rocked with a sob that you tried to fight. ‘What are you so afraid of?’ He whispered as his hands slid up your arms, the heat of his body melded with yours as he pulled you flush against his chest and you sobbed again. He buried his face in your neck and you automatically wrapped an arm around his neck plunging your fingers into his hair. 

_ ‘It’s Rey _ ….’ 


End file.
